Why do I feel like this?

[Blondexxxx]

Don’t know if this is the right section but I’m really struggling at the moment, I spent so long feeling unhappy in the long term year relationship always watching I said, having to put up with his drinking drugs and gambling, everything was always my fault.

During lock down I constantly was accused of cheating, Apprently I’m sly and mow he’s the one who left me he’s saying he never wants to be with someone like ‘me’ again?!

I think that’s why I’m struggling, he left me? I never cheated I didn’t even dare go anywhere other than work, he knew my passcode for my phone and I came off all social media.

I guess that’s why I’m struggling to accept the situation, is there any advice?

It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) weeks now, he was constantly sending me abuse telling me how much I didn’t care about him etc but then for the past (detail removed by Moderator) weeks he hasn’t contacted me once.

It feels weird, why if I was so unhappy do I secretly want him to not leave me alone ;(
I keep thinking he’s seeing someone else now.

I darent go back on social media, I would never dream of going on a date or messaging someone else, I just try keep busy but each morning I am always hoping he will message me?!

We have a child together and at first he kept telling me and threatening me he would take me to court for 50/50 access but then that’s changed now he hasn’t bothered me at all.

Our child goes to my ex partners mums house (detail removed by Moderator) a week to see his mum, as that’s what he always did anyway so I haven’t stopped that. But then (detail removed by Moderator) when he went I messaged as usualy get texts with photos of their day but this time I got told my ex had taken our child out for the day, I didn’t react but I started to get anxiety, then when our child came home my ex had taken him to have all his hair cut off (knowing I love his long hair)
I didn’t react I just felt so upset

We haven’t spoke either and I feel like he’s still getting to me

Why do I even want him to contact me I read quotes all the time how he was actually mentally abusive towards me

But In my head even though everyone tells me I’m better than him, I keep thinking he’s running around without a care in the world, thinking I was the reason we split because he didn’t trust me ( still don’t know why )
And I’m the one left upset and with anxiety.

I also keep thinking what’s he planning with our child is he going to take me to court or is he happy just seeing him (detail removed by Moderator) a week at his mums.

I don’t even want our child to grow up anything like him 🙁

But then can’t help missing being a family.
Wish could just get this feeling to go away, Iv been in hospital within blood sugar levels and had to have an ecg, the doctor said I need to look after myself more xx just causing me so much stress

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Blondexxxx,
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling.
I think even though your ex has left, the abuse and control is still continuing and he knows this.
It sounds like trauma bonding (google this if you are not aware of the signs) to us women it feels like real heart ache but it is not!
Your ex will do whatever he does and you thinking about what he could and could not be doing will drive you mad, so stop doing it now. Having attention on him just takes it away from you.
He has done you a favour by leaving so let him go, this is time for you now.
Start to focus on you, pour all the love you wanted from him into yourself… start to respect and honor yourself. This will build your confidence and help you to start to realise that you do deserve better than your ex was giving you. It’ll strengthen your boundaries so when he does contact you again, which he will, you will be ready for him and standing stronger.
As regards to your child, why don’t you take control of this? Rather than waiting for your ex to drop the bomb on you of what HE wants to do. This is your child to, you decide how it is going to play out. Otherwise you will constantly be waiting for something to happen. Set something solid in place so everyone knows where they stand, this will give your child some stability too.
As regards to your physical health, this is now your body screaming at you to take care of yourself, everything that was happening emotionally is now playing out physically. For yourself and your child start to take care of yourself.
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life… it’s a great place to start for some self love.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi, I know how you feel, my partner broke up with me a few years ago, it was (detail removed by moderator) we were apart, but the control was always still there. I think it can be harder to heal when you don’t instigate the break up – because summoning the courage to leave yourself means you have overcome that hurdle and have build yourself up enough to get to that stage, Shannon Thomas – healing from hidden abuse speaks about that – I really recommend that book too, you can listen to it on audible – get a free trial.
Also yes Darcy’s recommendation ‘Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life’ is an amazing book! A must read, it will change your life, I know that sounds corny, but I now constantly tell myself now ‘I approve of myself’ – so simple but I feel so much better since. You can build yourself up from within with her teaching by changing what the abuser made you think of yourself subconsciously – you an change it.
Your not alone x*x

[Darcy]

I think you have said that beautifully ‘eyesopening’ about instigating the break up, I understand it is a different healing process this way round.
I love how you tell yourself ‘I approve of myself’… I do to and many other positive affirmations in my morning routine.
I don’t think it sounds corny when you say the book will change your life… it changed mine!
You will see on my posts I am always recommending it… it is so so important do to the healing from the inside otherwise you will just keep going round in circles repeating patterns xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi
So true Darcey, you need that inner strength to get free.
I have actually ordered it in hard copy now so i can have written down the affirmations.
Also a valuable take away, is never criticize yourself.
Also at work they had is watch a short vid on YouTube called The Elephant and the Rider. It was soooo relatable but to my personal life.
Your logical brain is the rider, your emotional brain is the elephant, so it’s hard to guide the elephant if your logical brain wants to go one direction but the elephant doesn’t. One of the solutions it says is making the path easier for the elephant helps. Check it out xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Blodexxxx,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wanted to let you know about trauma bonding as Darcy did.
You are the one with empathy and care, and that’s what your ex is playing on when he turns everything around on you. You didn’t hurt him or betray him. He did that to you.
He cut your sons hair to spite you, and you have every right to be hurt by that. But I’m happy you didn’t react. It will keep you safer and not give him the pleasure of seeing you upset. My ex also used our children to get to me. We were together long enough for him to know what would hurt me and he made the point of doing it all.
I agree with Darcy, take the arrangement of your child into your hands. And Darcy has a great point about that providing stability.
You said you don’t want your son to be like his father, are there any other concerns?
I find it concerning considering your ex partner’s controlling behaviour that he would collect your son without arranging it with you. Abusive men can make us feel like we have no rights. But you have the right to protect your child.
Abusers can make us feel obligated to them, because they are so needy. And doing the right thing can feel like we are betraying them because that is how they have made us think.
Social media is not necessarily for meeting men. I use it to keep in contact with family and friends. He knows you are faithful to him. He is just making accusations to isolate you.
Think strategically, like you are playing chess. Prepare for his future moves. You don’t have to wait to be blindsided.
I know what it’s like to miss being a family. We had some good memories too, most were tainted by his abuse. It gets easier, and you’ll enjoy the freedom.
I would keep record of his contact with your son. And anything concerning that he does.
You definitely deserve better.
Invest in yourself as the others have suggested.
Best wishes xx

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