30th June 2020 at 9:57 pm #108330JustHadEnoughParticipant
So today I went to view a rental property for myself and my son to move into in few weeks. I will know tomorrow if I’m accepted. I know I want to leave and I’m reading all the self help books I can get my hands on. However he’s being especially nice (I think he has an inckling that I’m going) I can see he’s acting nice and it won’t last however I’m so so sad that I’m leaving and feel like I’m failing. I’m so tearful as I heard a few people make reference to ‘their husband this their husband that’ and I know I won’t be saying that anymore and I feel really sad at what I’ve lost I suppose also the house I’m moving into is very different to what we are used to. I know I know this sounds so materialistic but I had worked hard to build up this house to a home and it only took a few years for my husband to ruin it for all of us. So instead of feeling anger towards him I’m feeling loss of what I had/worked for and what was promised as a future. Why do I feel like I’m kicking a puppy when I’m making these devious plans behind his back ?!?! He’s awful to us and he makes us cry most days. So why am I feeling this ??? I don’t want to be weak and fall for his trap and stay….I really don’t but I know I’m throwing my son and me into an uncertain future with just me keeping us with a roof over our heads….help I feel so weak and need to know this is normal!!! Will I get strong again ?
30th June 2020 at 10:23 pm #108339Wants To HelpParticipant
Yes you will, it will take some time, but believe me, you will get there – and you will feel so much better for it. You are feeling sad and down because you are putting yourself in his shoes, you are thinking “how would I feel if he did this to me?” You are using empathy and compassion and in role reversal.
I delayed my escape for what I thought would be one week because I felt sorry for my abuser. I had the opportunity to leave one day, but I felt bad about just going, I thought I’d explain we were leaving and why and I’d give him the chance to accept this and say goodbye to our son. What a mistake that was. By not fleeing when I should have I put myself through so much further trauma, by trying to be ‘fair’ to him he just took advantage of the situation. Shortly after that I did flee, literally in a 12 hour window of opportunity with just a suitcase and my son.
This is the start of a life changing decision. It is huge change. Human beings don’t like change. We tend to keep doing the same things over and over again but hope for a different result, but that’s not reality. You do what you always do, you get what you always have. To make change you have to take risk. Many of us are risk averse by nature.
I left when my son was very young. I had very little in the way of a support network as I had no family or long standing friends around me at the start. I had to make friends, I had to find people. I took my son to church play groups, I went to indoor soft play areas, I volunteered at church groups during the day and took my son with me. We started to meet people, make friends. These friends would baby sit for me so I could have a life for myself at times.
As my son got older I enrolled him for football, martial arts, horse riding. He made friends, I made friends with the other parents, we had football tours and camping trips with the other families. My social life revolved around my son’s hobbies. I had to make this life work and find positive things to do, otherwise we’d have wallowed in our loneliness. I never missed my abuser, but I did find some of the times lonely, so I made sure we had things to do. I created a new life that suited my son and I. I had to make the best of this opportunity to start again, after all, I had chosen to take it. The alternative was to remain with my abuser and be miserable.
I know if I’d have stayed my son wouldn’t be the young man he is today. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. If you have the opportunity to choose a life free of abuse then grab it with both hands. The future is a mystery, but staying with your abuser… well you know exactly what your life will be like. Trust me, leaving is not failing, leaving is the start of a whole new future of your making.
30th June 2020 at 10:41 pm #108344JustHadEnoughParticipant
Awww thank you that has resonated and made me cry. Thank you for your honesty I will keep re reading this and reminding myself when I feel low. I didn’t realise I am doing the role reversal but it makes perfect sense now I’ve thought about it. Thank you xx
1st July 2020 at 8:12 am #108356CantmakedecisonsParticipant
I’m (detail removed by moderator), since I left. I totally understand everything your saying because I felt/feel exactly the same!
I moved to rental, and no, it doesn’t feel like home and those first couple of days are really difficult BUT each day will get easier. At the weekend I got home home comforts just things like cushions, fairy lights and throws. It’s going to take time to feel like home but you have to remember why you’ve done it and the future.
Of course you feel sad and weak, you’ve been through so much. It’s time now to keep looking forward and not back but little steps at a time.
1st July 2020 at 10:35 am #108364LifebeginsParticipant
I too know how you’re feeling. Like cantmakedecisions I’m (detail removed by moderator) after leaving due to years of abuse, but am back in the ‘family’ home as my ex has bail conditions not to contact or come to house/road. It’s definitely uncertain times as I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep him out of the house or even keep the house as I’m up to my eyeballs with debt. Worse case I’ll have to sell up, clear the decks and start again. I’ve actually made my peace with that if I have to do it. Could you potentially get back into your home at a later date?
For ages I felt like exactly like you. I don’t think it’s materialistic. It’s just that you have spent time and care building a home that gives you some pride and pleasure in what is otherwise a pretty bleak existence. I guess you, like me, are mourning the great life you could’ve had if it wasn’t for his behaviour. What I’m discovering though is that ‘great life’ is just a fantasy. We will never have the life we dream, imagine and deserve with these men. They will not allow it. They will give us some happy times to keep us hooked but s****h that away any time they choose.
Being single is daunting. But when I wrote ‘ex’ for the first time on this forum I felt empowered. Having a husband should be a loving equal relationship with someone who supports and respects you. I had none of those things in my relationship and from reading now, I don’t think he ever felt love. I suspect it is the same for you.
I’m also feeling guilt about having to contact police, get him out of the house etc. But as everyone is telling me. It’s his behaviour that’s put me in this position. And I can bet your bottom dollar he’s not feeling any remorse for his actions just outrage at the injustice he’s facing. So I’m trying very hard to put the guilt behind me. You too should not feel bad about doing what you have to do for you and your family. He’s being nice now because it suits him and possibly because he senses somethings up.
I took a bit of great advice on this forum and this is what made me take that final step to leave and is keeping me going. If you don’t take action now, do you want to see yourself here again in a week/month/year? Something to think about….
Sending you lots of hugs and support in this difficult time 🤗 🤗🤗🤗🤗 xx
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