Why do I feel so guilty??

[Confused@123]

I’m in the process of leaving my H. We have a small child together which means I know I’ll never be completely free from him. I have been trying to leave but at every turn he is making it difficult, changing his mind on our agreements, insisting on a 50/50 custody split with our child and this is all inbetween the hounding, pleading, begging, telling me he loves me and I’m his soulmate, getting angry, accusing me of cheating or texting other men, constant text messages if we aren’t in the same room.
With lockdown and both working from home it’s just horrendous.
I’ve given up on the idea of being able to buy somewhere for myself as I’ve come to realise that he’s never going to release the equity without legal intervention but sadly there’s nothing on the market to rent at this time of year! Feel so stuck and hopeless at the moment.
I know that despite conversations about trying to be amicable and not having to get lawyers involved that it’s just not possible. But why do I feel guilty about doing that?
I’ve been through (detail removed by moderator) of mental/emotional abuse by someone I now see is a covert n********t but I feel so guilty when I think about sitting down with a lawyer and having to give reasons for wanting a divorce and knowing he’ll see that. The guilt and anxiety about doing it are so strong.

I just feel trapped and the only thing that keeps me going is my child. I’ve felt incredibly low lately. I can’t stay with family as I don’t have any that live anywhere near me.

Sorry for my negative post. I’m not sure what anyone could say in response but I just needed to write it down tonight.

I still question myself whether I’m making more of it then it is. He says everyone argues which I’m sure they do but are they called names? Made to feel on edge all the time? Worry about someone’s reaction to literally everything? Not be allowed to do certain things because their partner doesn’t allow them to? Not feel they can make any decisions for themselves?

Again sorry for my long post.

[Lisa]

Hi Confused,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low at the moment. It’s perfectly understandable considering everything that’s been happening; you’re having to deal with so much. Separating from a husband/ partner is always going to be difficult, but so much more so when the other person is abusive.

You’ve obviously tried to be reasonable with him, but unfortunately perpetrators will often make things as difficult as possible. Often the legal route is the only way forward so you have nothing to feel guilty about when doing this. It’s understandable why you’re feeling guilty though; by the sounds of it he’s still minimising what he’s been doing, but try not to let this influence your decisions going forward. You wouldn’t have to be thinking about going down the legal route if he wasn’t being abusive, so you’re not doing anything wrong here.

Have you contacted your local domestic abuse service yet? They often have access to legal advice so this might be a good place for you to start.

I hope you’re feeling a bit better today,

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Empoweredhealing]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this pain. Everything that you are feeling and believing is completely normal. Confusion, guilt, self blame, difficulty believing in your own perceptions and emotions are all effects of abuse. If you haven’t read them, please consider reading Patricia Evan’s “The Verbally abusive relationship” and “The verbally abusive man, can he changed?”In order to make it through this journey towards healing, you’ll need allies, people who can validate your perceptions and emotions as completely real and natural. Reading books like these can clear away confusion and allow healing to begin.

[Anonymous]

You are not going crazy! It’s only abusers who perpetually name call, lie, deny, avoid, minimise your feelings and thoughts whenever you try to express anything you want or think or do.

I second Patricia Evans books, she has also has done some interviews and these can be found online on YouTube but it’s her books which I found invaluable.

Here is a quote from one of her books, I hope it helps:

‘Verbal abuse is a violation, not a conflict. There is a definite difference between conflict and abuse. In a conflict each participant wants something different. In order to resolve the conflict, the two people in the relationship discuss their wants, needs, and reasons while mutually seeking a creative solution. There may or may not be a solution, but no one forces, dominates, or controls the other. Verbal abuse, on the other hand, is very different from a conflict. If we describe verbal abuse from the standpoint of boundary violation, we would describe it as an intrusion upon, or disregard of, one’s self by a person who disregards boundaries in a sometimes relentless pursuit of Power Over, superiority, and dominance by covert or overt means.’

[Author]

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