Why do I feel sorry for him?

[Wildwoodflower]

Its been almost (detail removed by moderator) since i left my ex. we have children together. at times i still feel sorry for him even after all the abuse. there was incident where police where involved and i found myself wanting to drop charges. I also constantly doubt if i experienced abuse when it was so so clear. This constant doubting myself really gets to me. Some days i feel so strong and others so low and depressed where i almost miss this man that was so horrible to me. at the moment he is not allowed to contact me. however he did the other day asking if he could (detail removed by moderator)? he has his contact with them so there was no need to message me

[Anonymous]

Hi Wildwoodflower, welcome, What he’s doing is intentionally violating boundaries (it’s what they do) it’s a kind of I can still do what I want and message you just because I can (kinda thing) your experiencing what’s known as cognitive dissonance (things are so much easier to understand when there’s terms attached) your clearly empathetic and abusers love those traits (not because they think it’s nice or are proud to have someone with them)but because it’s a trait they can use and exploit to their hearts content, you miss him because you might still have feelings but when it comes to abuse it’s more likely a trauma bond, you did what you needed to do for you, your safety, and your sanity, it’s not something you should “ever” feel guilty about 🤗💖🤗

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Wildwoodflower

All that you speak of seems familiar to me also, and is the way life after abuse often is for the survivor.

You have done so well to get apart from him, for you and the children to not have to live your lives in fear and risk anymore. Its not easy to do and you’ve done it, but the feelings don’t necessarily just disappear, there’s a whole lot of letting go and leaving in the past to do, and that can be upsetting even though you dont want to be with him anymore. You invested yourself and your hopes and dreams into a relationship that presented abuse to you, and mostly the flip side seems to be the feeling sorry for them! It is the result of horrible manipulations, emotional blackmail and much more. If he can make you feel mean and guilty then he can take the blame off himself. Deny their abuse, blame it on you, but just because he may blame you doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for any of it. The blame is with him, let go of his manipulations and cut your emotional ties. You owe him nothing; he abused you all and that changes all the rules.

warmest wishes

ts

[Wildwoodflower]

Thank you so much for your replies. They have been very helpful. I am feeling strong today. At present his contact with the kids is supervised because i asked for a drug test to be done. Almost (detail removed by moderator) later he has done it and i believe he reckons he can get whatever contact he wishes if it is negative. any advice on what to do? he also wrote on (detail removed by moderator) he is so childish.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

I think its important to have psychological testing done, as well as routine drug testing. He should only have safe access, whatever that is.

I don’t know what he wrote on as its been removed, but if you have the opportunity to report incidents to court as part of the process of establishing safe contact then do report to them any and all breaches, and certainly any abuses.

ts x

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