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I don’t know why I always seem to go for men that control me and belittle me. Maybe it’s because I like the fact that they’re interested maybe it makes me feel like they care about me? Whatever it is I want it to stop. My most recent ex is still harassing me and I want it to stop the cycle of abuse to stop. I don’t want to fall for the I love you I’m sorry you’re my world and then me accepting the apologies and going on like everything is normal. I just want to know why these men seem to suck me in and make more informed and healthier choices for future relationships so that me an my children can have the happy normal life we deserve. I keep wondering if I have vulnerable, gullible and easily led tattooed on me which makes men like these come into my life? Well it stops now I am not a puppet on a string who can be controlled I am an independent woman who doesn’t need to rely on anyone.
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Dear Mummyof3,
Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.
Firstly, this isn’t about messages you send out, this is about perpetrators who deliberately look for vulnerabilities or chinks in someones armor. The blame primarily lies with them, they choose to behave in that way. Good people don’t select someone for abuse based on vulnerability or whether someone is easily led.
The main priority is identifying these perpetrators, identifying early warning signs in these types of men, to protect yourself from being sucked in. These type of men know all the right things to say and have mastered their own art of manipulation. They take advantage of good people like you who have a kind nature, it is about their behavior and not about you.
You could look at attending a freedom programme? They are group programmes for survivors of domestic abuse, that looks at understanding what happened and improving their lives after abuse. They run groups throughout the UK but you can also do a version online. http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes
Lisa
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Iam the same mummyof3 we love and we care . We are too vunerable to men . I was in the same situation as you .. all i wanted was to be loved and respected . We did not deserve to be hurt . Ive never trusted men . I don’t think i can trust again after this last relationship i just want to be free x
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Hi Mummyof3
Everyone has vulnerabilities. It’s the abusers who are very good at exploiting these vulnerabilities either intentionally or unintentionally.
It really a case of sitting down with a DV counsellor and deciphering what your vulnerabilities are that were exploited and how you will protect those vulnerabilities.
I’m dating after over 2 years out from my abusive marriage. I’m very aloof with the men I date. They are not allowed access to most of my life. They don’t know where I live or work. They don’t know about my childhood trauma or that my husband abused me. They don’t know about my mental health illness like depression or anxiety. I have separate social media phone and email for them.
My vulnerability in picking my husband and allowing his behaviour was that I normalised verbal and emotional abuse from seeing it as a child, I suffered with depression which made me lonely and blamed myself for everything wrong and because I’m responsible and kind and loyal, I took on more than my fair share in the relationship for years!
Now, I know what behaviour is abusive, I learnt how to manage my depression and loneliness (which turned out to be BPD) and I refuse to be responsible and take the blame for another grown adult!
This was a lot of self work. Self help, therapy, support groups and counselling. It is ongoing but I won’t tolerate anyone who tries to undermine my self-integrity when I’ve done nothing wrong to deserve any kind of abuse whatsoever.
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These men find their victims. I know women who would never be chosen. They have different personalities. They stop them from the start. A small sign and the man gets the sack immediately.
I found out for myself that this has something to do with personal limitations.
I was abused from age one year onwards. That made me a prey for abusers for all my life.
Only a long therapy can help here.
I stay away from men entirely. I am busy enough dealing with female abusers at work. They too spot that I am vulnerable.The Freedom Programme will help you spot the signs. I am now able to identify abusers after a very short time, males and females. They cannot get to me anymore as they could before I attended the Freedom Programme, because I avoid them now before they can cause me any damage.
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@mummyof3 I often wonder if its the type of men I date that’s the problem. Or if its the starter weeks where I let them into my life and don’t create any boundaries. Truth is whatever it is, they still shouldn’t behave that way. It’s still them that abuse, we don’t abuse ourselves. Focus on yourself, self goals, when the times right or the person is right youll find someone who treats you as an equal
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Hi Mummyof3. I am learning through counselling that I end up with men like this because its my ‘normal’ due to the type of childhood I had. Even a recent casual foray with someone who I didn’t consider abusive, related back to my ‘normal’. This casual fling was making me feel bad but for a while I carried on because feeling bad is what I am used to. The more I learn about myself and how my childhood effects me in my adulthood, the easier it becomes to spot my patterns and break free from toxic and abusive relationships. I don’t blame myself for ending up in such relationships but I am now trying to take more control over my decisions etc… so I don’t end up in another one! I am only achieving this by learning about my subconcious decision making process and slowly but surely changing it so I am make decisions that benefit me instead.
If you can get access to counselling I would highly recommend it.
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