Why do I keep finding myself back here?

[Ariel]

I went back to my ex after he admitted his drug addiction. He gaslight me for … years before I found the truth.
now he wants to put it right but every time I question something that doesn’t make sense he blows up and accuses me of being like a police officer.
I’m keeping the relationship quiet from my sons as they will be devestated and feel I’ve betrayed them. As he stole money from them but he’s never admitted it.

truth is I think I’m in a trauma bond and I feel like I’m going to die when thinking about him with someone else. That’s what’s keeping me from cutting off completely again.

any advice please I have no energy now I even struggled to get out of the bath today. I was just there feeling stuck.

[Sunisshining]

I understand your struggle today. I’ve heard of trauma bond but don’t really understand it. I have no answers but can say I understand your emotions. I’ve cut of completely because of an incident that is unforgivable but before after going through lots of time in confusion and forgiveness. I had to leave. But your emotion of feeling of being stuck is understanding for me. Be strong be so kind to yourself you deserve answers to your questions

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I don’t understand trauma bond properly either but the only way I can understand it is; that if you brutalise another living being, that being is sent into shock and trauma. They crave going back to ‘normal’, to how they felt before you brutalized them.Imagine if your cat is kicked brutally by someone in the street, it will run back to you and search for comfort and safety. After a while it will recover and understand that the world is safe apart from some nasty beings who brutalize you. It will become anxious to go back in the street and will cling onto you more, because you offered comfort and normality.
Abuse is not normal. Living beings don’t like it and suffer badly from being exposed to it.

If you are brutalized by your closest partner, they also offer themselves as your refuge. This is because they isolate you from other support, but also they present a dual face. They are the abuser and the person you run to for comfort.
So, you are brutalized, and in a natural setting you would run away and find a safe refuge, and not go near the brutal person again. But they trick this response by being the only person you can run to.
This is how I understand it. It may be wrong.

Its maybe how a dog can stay loyal to an owner who hurts or hits it. You might say it dosent know anything different. The abuser is abhorrent to nature and tricks our most basic and natural reactions. We shouldn’t blame ourselves for this.
That’s my take on it. I hope if I’m wrong someone will explain it better for us.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps in the book ‘Why does he do that’ the writer ( who is very experienced in working with abusers and perpetrators) says that solving problems of addiction dosen’t change abusive behaviour. So, people may think the problems in the marriage will go away when the abuser gives up the drugs, or booze etc but they don’t.

[Ricepudding]

I took control (timeframe removed by Moderator) and went to therapy. I took all my afford then I was told it’s not on next week and the week after it’s with a different woman. Then I get home thinking I’ve pulled it off he dosen’t know anything so I walk the dog I take my time to gather my thoughts when my phone rings I’m helping an elderly woman  with her walker and dog walk through the park. I get to the other side. I ring him to find out what he wants to find him driving around the streets looking for me. Why

[englishbullterrier]

I’m sorry you’re going through this at the moment, your not alone. I understand how difficult it is being in a trauma bond. My understanding from your message is that you’re aware his behaviour is wrong, I’d say do some research into trauma bonds. Seek therapy if your able too to help break the bond.

 

[minimeerkat]

dont know if this helps at all but my understanding is that we dont actually crave the person but are actually addicted to the feelings we experience – because their abuse causes us to produce all kinds of hormones.  when they are abusive we will be producing stuff  like adrenaline & cortisol but when they are ‘nice’ we experience the effects of say dopamine & oxytocin.  this cycle of fluctuating hormones leaves us feeling like a drug addict ourselves.  we end up being quite desperate to be with them so that we feel better – when what we are actually craving is the dopamine hit.  realising this can help so very much towards breaking this toxic bond

[Ariel]

Thankyou everyone I just found the replies. Yeah it’s exactly like that minimeerkat. I crave the affection and the safety of when he’s being lovely but at the same time I’m on egg shells.

[Author]

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