Why do I miss him after everything he has done

[Anonymous]

Hello, I’m new here and I honestly don’t know where to start.

I have my closest friend and my family who have been amazing and supportive but I don’t feel like I can talk to them about it in case it upsets them.

My ex partner is currently on remand in custody after what he done to me, not just me my family too. I feel ashamed to say it after everything that has happened but I find myself missing him but asking myself why I miss him. What is there to miss. It’s all still so fresh.

[Hereforhelp]

Hey clouds and welcome to the forum. What you describe sounds like a trauma bond, it’s the same feeling as addiction. Have you had any counselling? Please don’t feel ashamed as what you are feeling is normal, my ex husband was.awful, me and our 2 kids are down for trauma therapy yet some days (rarer now as I am further along) I crave him (I would never have him back, he disgusts me which in turn makes me feel disgusted in myself for even thinking it, crazy eh… after everything these men have done).

Keep posting as you are not alone ❤

[Eyesopening]

I know how you feel. You miss the good him, that false him that he portrayed to keep you with him. Our minds protect us so we only remember the good times. When we need to try to remember all the bad times and that bad side of them. Then we can start to push those thoughts of missing them aside x

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering do you think these men know they cause this type of attachment, trauma bonding?

[KIP.]

Yes I do believe they know. A policeman once said to hit your girlfriend if you want her to stay. I know it’s just a comment but for me it meant he was recognising that behaviour from the victim. You will find abusers learn from previous relationships around the responses they get from abusive behaviour and you can bet they take that knowledge into the next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum. When reading about trauma bonds it really does tick all the boxes. It’s crazy how someone who was so cruel can still have this effect on you. That’s exactly what I ask myself whether or not they are that manipulative that they create this bond knowingly and did I ever mean anything to him at all. I haven’t yet been for counselling but I am being signposted to. Do you find it helpful? Also your children, my child has also been affected by this.

Thanks so much again, I’m learning so much from being here already. I really do appreciate being able to communicate with you all.

[RedStrawberry]

Hi clobuds I felt exactly the same at the beginning. I was so lost and confused. Sometimes he made me feel amazing and then the next day he’d make me feel rubbish when I’d done nothing different, it just depended on what mood he was in. I cried almost every night but then I remembered what he had done and the horrible things he said to me. Gradually it has got easier and I’m not thinking about him at much. It will get easier I promise

[Anonymous]

Thank you, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in feeling like this. I am trying to focus on all the negative things he said and done. It’s not so much the good him or the good times we had together. I still care about him and I’m concerned about his mental health. So silly but the amount of times I have wrote a text message to his dad asking if he has heard from him and if he was ok and not actually sending the text. I know if I did it could jeopardise the whole case and I know he deserves to be where he is right now for what he has done. Ah I really do feel so confused. (detail removed by moderator).

[Anonymous]

I did this when I split with my ex , I contacted a family member of his to see if he was ok as I’d heard he was in a bad way , I was received by his side as the cause of it all , in fact blaming me he was in a bad way . No responsibility at all I found , no remorse . End of the day I know family stick together, but knowing what they do I felt there should of been some compassion on my side . I regretted reaching out , we are caring people that’s our problem, even though we are hurt , we still don’t want to see or hear that someone we loved or still love is struggling.

[Anonymous]

You definitely would expect them to have some understanding, the fact that you reached out to check on his welfare says a lot in itself. I think if I was to get that response I would regret reaching out too. I feel like I am starting to come to terms with everything that has happened. Or at least having a better day today than I have since it all.

[calendula]

i cant help but think when i’m reading some of these posts….was she one of his? my ex used to have at least 2 on the go at the same time…he conned us lived off us and traumatised us for years and i know there were others…one (detail removed by moderator) i also was having and still do heart literally beating so hard it was visibly pounding out my chest at times thought i was going to die of heart attack….i don’t even think he’s human his eyes have actually gone completly black once but then he was (detail removed by moderator) that could be why….i miss him so much every single day and have no idea why i was so miserable with him but then that is the familiar feeling i’ve had since childhood so maybe that is what makes me feel comfortable…i’m miserable without him and don’t want anyone else even if i meet someone nice…i hate myself for this its pathetic

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