Tagged: Why do I not walk away
12th November 2020 at 7:51 pm #116323
I understand my story is nowhere near as bad as some people and I don’t even know if it is classed as abuse but I do feel trapped in my relationship and constantly say it’s over and I don’t want to be with him but nothing ever changes. My partner has multiple addictions which he is totally in denial of and can’t hold down a job. I work hard and pay every single bill on my own meaning I have no money left over and am often struggling and in my overdraft to make sure we have a roof over our heads. He will lie and con me out of money or steal any money I may have on me. He has lost his temper particularly over money if I have refused to give him any and cut up some of my clothes, locked me in the flat and when I managed to get out he followed me and smashed my windscreen claiming that was my fault for not giving him it in the first place. He lies about everything to everyone and his friends all see me as the problem. Maybe I am for being so weak and allowing him to treat me this way.
He constantly puts me down whether it’s about the weight that I have put on during our relationship, I can’t seem to stick to a diet as food is my only pleasure in life, the fact I don’t wear enough make up among many other things. I feel I don’t have an excuse for staying as we don’t have a mortgage together or any children but I continue to stay and I don’t know why. I just wish someone could make this situation go away for me but I know it has to be me and I hope that speaking to other survivors who have overcame much worse will help me walk away
12th November 2020 at 8:19 pm #116324gettingtiredParticipant
Hello, what you’ve described is absolutely abuse. He sounds dangerous. Like you, my partner has addiction problems (drugs/alcohol) but is in denial. He also financially abuses me which is what your partner is doing to you. They obviously have no self respect allowing us to rally round sorting all the finances whilst they sit back and barely contribute a thing.
Also like you I am not tied to a mortgage, marriage or children but I still find the thought of actually leaving almost unbearable some days. Have you read about trauma bonding? That helps explain what keeps us with them despite the abuse xx
12th November 2020 at 8:33 pm #116325gettingtiredParticipant
It’s also terrible that he puts you down in that way. My partner has called me f*t before (I’m not even overweight but even if I was how vile of him) because he knows it’s a really hurtful thing to say. Emotional eating is absolutely fine and very normal but sometimes it’s a clue that something else is going on. If you’re into reading I’ve got some good book recommendations which really helped my relationship with food I can message you. The book list on the forum is also very helpful to understand about abuse. It really helps to gain as much knowledge as possible xx
12th November 2020 at 8:41 pm #116327
Thank you both for your advice I will need to look into some of the books on the forum, particularly trauma bonding. I am sorry you are both going through similar situations. I wish you all the best xx
13th November 2020 at 12:45 am #116331Hope123Participant
I can hear the doubt in your words but if someone close to you told you that story would you say that it’s nowhere near as bad as others? No you would see it for what it is. But because of those trauma bonds you don’t see it for yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give someone else.
It’s really hard and it takes so much to unpick yourself out of those bonds. I still want someone else to do it for me! But that’s impossible.
Be kind to yourself but give yourself the tough love you need to get out and be safe and be happy xx
13th November 2020 at 7:26 pm #116348LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum! It is great to see you have already had replies so I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
20th November 2020 at 8:54 pm #116605CamelParticipant
Instead of asking why you can’t walk away, perhaps you should be asking yourself why it is you stay?
This ‘relationship’ is entirely weighted in his favour. He’s getting everything he wants and needs, all absolutely free. Gambling money, food on the table, a sofa in a warm house to doss on all day. You’re a cash machine, not a ‘partner’.
Telling him it’s over is never going to spur him on to change. He’s a thief, a violent bully, a waste of air.
And all the while he has you believing it’s YOU that’s not good enough. You fret about your weight and how you look. You eat to feel happy yet hate the woman who can’t stick to a diet. But, believe me, dropping to a size 8 will not transform you or the relationship. You’ll still be miserable. He’ll still insult you, steal from you, abuse you.
I doubt very much whether his friends see you as the problem. But so what if they do? If you’re so much of a problem wouldn’t they approve if you walked away? Why does it bother you what they think? After all, you don’t call them your friends.
Do you have your own friends? Or have they somehow disappeared since you got with this man? You need people in your corner.
You do absolutely need to be kind to yourself, especially when no one else is. x
21st November 2020 at 3:12 am #116619
Thank you all for your advice. Yes I do have friends but I don’t really speak about what is going on to anyone as I am embarrassed. This has not been too bad a week as he has been working but as (detail removed by Moderator) is his (detail removed by Moderator) day off he is sitting up all night drinking which although he’s not done anything to me I resent him for because he can borrow money from his family for alcohol but can’t contribute to the bills. He managed to go (detail removed by Moderator) days this week that I know of without drinking which is the longest he has managed during the whole of lockdown.
21st November 2020 at 3:07 pm #116630CamelParticipant
Your entire life revolves around him – what he does or doesn’t do and how it makes you feel. Which is miserable and trapped.
It’s not a trick question or a judgement when I ask what it is that’s trapping you. Work out the answer and you’ll be able to plan changes.
It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to let your friends know the detail. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed but I know that’s easier said than done. It’s important that you keep them available though.
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