Tagged: Why do I not walk away
12th November 2020 at 7:51 pm #116323
I understand my story is nowhere near as bad as some people and I don’t even know if it is classed as abuse but I do feel trapped in my relationship and constantly say it’s over and I don’t want to be with him but nothing ever changes. My partner has multiple addictions which he is totally in denial of and can’t hold down a job. I work hard and pay every single bill on my own meaning I have no money left over and am often struggling and in my overdraft to make sure we have a roof over our heads. He will lie and con me out of money or steal any money I may have on me. He has lost his temper particularly over money if I have refused to give him any and cut up some of my clothes, locked me in the flat and when I managed to get out he followed me and smashed my windscreen claiming that was my fault for not giving him it in the first place. He lies about everything to everyone and his friends all see me as the problem. Maybe I am for being so weak and allowing him to treat me this way.
He constantly puts me down whether it’s about the weight that I have put on during our relationship, I can’t seem to stick to a diet as food is my only pleasure in life, the fact I don’t wear enough make up among many other things. I feel I don’t have an excuse for staying as we don’t have a mortgage together or any children but I continue to stay and I don’t know why. I just wish someone could make this situation go away for me but I know it has to be me and I hope that speaking to other survivors who have overcame much worse will help me walk away
12th November 2020 at 8:19 pm #116324
Hello, what you’ve described is absolutely abuse. He sounds dangerous. Like you, my partner has addiction problems (drugs/alcohol) but is in denial. He also financially abuses me which is what your partner is doing to you. They obviously have no self respect allowing us to rally round sorting all the finances whilst they sit back and barely contribute a thing.
Also like you I am not tied to a mortgage, marriage or children but I still find the thought of actually leaving almost unbearable some days. Have you read about trauma bonding? That helps explain what keeps us with them despite the abuse xx
12th November 2020 at 8:33 pm #116325
It’s also terrible that he puts you down in that way. My partner has called me f*t before (I’m not even overweight but even if I was how vile of him) because he knows it’s a really hurtful thing to say. Emotional eating is absolutely fine and very normal but sometimes it’s a clue that something else is going on. If you’re into reading I’ve got some good book recommendations which really helped my relationship with food I can message you. The book list on the forum is also very helpful to understand about abuse. It really helps to gain as much knowledge as possible xx
12th November 2020 at 8:41 pm #116327
Thank you both for your advice I will need to look into some of the books on the forum, particularly trauma bonding. I am sorry you are both going through similar situations. I wish you all the best xx
13th November 2020 at 12:45 am #116331Hope123Participant
I can hear the doubt in your words but if someone close to you told you that story would you say that it’s nowhere near as bad as others? No you would see it for what it is. But because of those trauma bonds you don’t see it for yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give someone else.
It’s really hard and it takes so much to unpick yourself out of those bonds. I still want someone else to do it for me! But that’s impossible.
Be kind to yourself but give yourself the tough love you need to get out and be safe and be happy xx
13th November 2020 at 7:26 pm #116348LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum! It is great to see you have already had replies so I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
20th November 2020 at 8:54 pm #116605
Instead of asking why you can’t walk away, perhaps you should be asking yourself why it is you stay?
This ‘relationship’ is entirely weighted in his favour. He’s getting everything he wants and needs, all absolutely free. Gambling money, food on the table, a sofa in a warm house to doss on all day. You’re a cash machine, not a ‘partner’.
Telling him it’s over is never going to spur him on to change. He’s a thief, a violent bully, a waste of air.
And all the while he has you believing it’s YOU that’s not good enough. You fret about your weight and how you look. You eat to feel happy yet hate the woman who can’t stick to a diet. But, believe me, dropping to a size 8 will not transform you or the relationship. You’ll still be miserable. He’ll still insult you, steal from you, abuse you.
I doubt very much whether his friends see you as the problem. But so what if they do? If you’re so much of a problem wouldn’t they approve if you walked away? Why does it bother you what they think? After all, you don’t call them your friends.
Do you have your own friends? Or have they somehow disappeared since you got with this man? You need people in your corner.
You do absolutely need to be kind to yourself, especially when no one else is. x
21st November 2020 at 3:12 am #116619
Thank you all for your advice. Yes I do have friends but I don’t really speak about what is going on to anyone as I am embarrassed. This has not been too bad a week as he has been working but as (detail removed by Moderator) is his (detail removed by Moderator) day off he is sitting up all night drinking which although he’s not done anything to me I resent him for because he can borrow money from his family for alcohol but can’t contribute to the bills. He managed to go (detail removed by Moderator) days this week that I know of without drinking which is the longest he has managed during the whole of lockdown.
21st November 2020 at 3:07 pm #116630
Your entire life revolves around him – what he does or doesn’t do and how it makes you feel. Which is miserable and trapped.
It’s not a trick question or a judgement when I ask what it is that’s trapping you. Work out the answer and you’ll be able to plan changes.
It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to let your friends know the detail. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed but I know that’s easier said than done. It’s important that you keep them available though.
28th November 2020 at 9:26 pm #116967
I wish I could answer that question I honestly don’t know what is trapping me, I feel sorry for him as he didn’t have a good upbringing and his parents have never really been interested so I make excuses because of that but sometimes I do think this will be his last chance and maybe this time he does mean it and he will change. I do believe deep down he loves me he’s just so messed up that he doesn’t know how to treat me.
I am really struggling this weekend. I had decided to stay with my mum even if it was just for a night to get a bit of space then found out I was to isolate for 2 weeks and my mum is high risk so couldn’t go there. I feel not being able to get out of the flat has really heightened my emotions and how unhappy I am. At least when I am in work it is so busy that not all my focus is on him and this situation but right now I can’t escape it plus I’m now having to rely on him to do the food shopping and giving him my bank card with the hope that he won’t steal money off me or use it to stock up on alcohol and leave me with no money to pay our bills
28th November 2020 at 10:36 pm #116973HawthornParticipant
Covid lockdown escalated my situation too. While it was traumatic I see it was a blessing now as it forced me to deal with the situation and get myself out.
I left with nothing. Left my home, my job and all my belongings. It had been a difficult journey but I’ve never regretted it.
Not to sound callous but they all have a sob story. One of hooks to lure you in. Prey on your kindness. Excuse them anything. I forgave so much because of my abusive husband’s traumatic past. The thanks I got was him dumping all his trauma and toxicity onto me. Lots of people have trauma in their lives, it doesnt make them abuse other people. He chooses to behave the way he does.
It is not your fault. His dreadful behaviour gets him his way and he feels totally entitled to treat you as he does. It’s not a behaviour problem but a thinking problem which is why these men rarely(read:never) change.
It’s a horrifying thing to comprehend, that your partner has been deliberately abusing you. Be kind to yourself. This has been done to you and is not your fault. Reach out for support if you can; GP, womens aid, family and here. You deserve and need support whatever you decide to do xxxxx
28th November 2020 at 10:36 pm #116974
Being absolutely frank, giving this man your bank card is a mistake. Take precautions and leave only enough in the account to pay for food. Or transfer money into his account. Take the card back as soon as possible. Reset your PIN if you can. If not, report the card as stolen.
This might sound extreme but he has no right to you money just because you’re in a relationship.
Pay attention to your heightened feelings. Having a bad upbringing is not unique and is no excuse for his behaviour. Do you deserve this misery just because you feel sorry for him?
28th November 2020 at 11:10 pm #116976
To reassure you that I do understand, I once found myself in a similar situation. While we were dating his business went under. I did everything I could to help him get back on track (bar giving him money.) He carried on as usual, having fun and running up massive bar tabs. I found out he had a drug addiction, which explained where all his money went. He lived (detail removed by Moderator) and when the power was cut off (he hadn’t paid the bill) I thought I’d be a terrible human being if I didn’t take him in. I felt sorry for him. Every day I went to work and every day he dossed on the sofa before going to the pub. He got a couple of days work and the very first thing he did with his pay was buy drugs. Still, I stuck it out for several more months before throwing him out.
28th November 2020 at 11:32 pm #116986
I have my bank card back and he only bought the food shopping thankfully. I knew I should have just transferred the money but didn’t know what the exact amount would be so thought it would be easier to give my card then as soon as he’d left I instantly regretted it. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is only 2 weeks and hopefully this will force me to leave. He’s currently not speaking to me as I found drugs hidden in a (detail removed by Moderator) when doing housework and poured them down the sink in a rage. He is saying they weren’t for him and I now owe this person money. It’s just such a horrible atmosphere living in.
28th November 2020 at 11:46 pm #116987
Change your PIN anyway. You know he can’t be trusted.
The story of you owing someone else money for drugs could escalate. He has absolutely no shame. Don’t get drawn into doing anything illegal. And bear in mind that if the drugs were for someone else then he’s dealing on your property. Where is he getting his drug money from if it’s not from you?
29th November 2020 at 8:48 am #117002
I will change my pin as soon as I am allowed to leave the house. No it’s not me he does odd shifts so that pays for drink, drugs and gambling. I very rarely give him money. I don’t believe they’re for someone else I think that’s to trick me into giving him money to buy more
29th November 2020 at 7:39 pm #117047
Hi I can understand how you feel I think. I don’t always trust my partner as there have been 2 occasions before where he has taken my bank card when I’ve been asleep and taken money for drugs. Gone mad when I’ve accidentally thrown drugs away or whatever. He doesn’t deal but buys and has a problem. He also binge drinks a few times a week and drinks in between that if he isn’t too hungover. Personally I’m too scared to confront him about the drug/alcohol abuse now as he just gets angry and defensive. I agree with camel, next time just transfer him money and change your pin in the meantime x
29th November 2020 at 8:38 pm #117054
You should be able to do this online. I found out you can even pay in cheques online since covid.
30th November 2020 at 2:33 am #117096
Thank you for this camel I did not realise you could change your pin online I’ll look into this just now. This is very similar to my situation getting tired he does not sell drugs that’s how I know saying they were for someone else was to make me worry and give the money. He has now decided to “forgive me” which also shows that he doesn’t owe someone money as if this was the case he would be panicking and demanding the money.
30th November 2020 at 3:17 am #117098
Yes so he is lying to you. It’s difficult dealing with someone who is abusive towards you and who has an addiction problem. Personally I used to partly blame the addiction and thought if he stops drink/drugs things will change. The reality is the abuse often happens when he is sober. Yes drink/drugs have made it worse on some occasions.
Does he have any intention of stopping the drink/drugs? Mine has said he wants to and I do believe that up to a point. He won’t take responsibility though, is in denial and says he does it out of boredom, not working, not having social interactions etc x
30th November 2020 at 6:26 pm #117125
He does say he wants to and it’s due to boredom because of lockdown but I don’t know if he’s just telling me what I want to hear. It was an issue before lockdown as well as was gambling but this has made it much worse
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