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after a really bad night, he was worse becuse of alcohol, which he only drinks once a month now, but doesnt really need it to be nasty or abusive.i lay awake all night and told myself i had aright to life after a longlong unhappy marriage with a totally self obsesed man. he told me he wanted me and our grown up son to be gone whn he gets up. iwant to go more than anything but something stops me. i do not have any love for him but feel a responsibility. he is forever calling us evil and (detail removed by moderator) and none believers, but every sentence has the f word in it. he threatens to smash my head into the (detail removed by moderator), if i dont speak its wrong, if i do its even more wrong, i cant go on like this but i cant put one foot in front of the other and walk out the door. i am desperate. love gran x*x
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Hi gran,
I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’re going through. Try not to be too hard on yourself; the good thing is you are thinking about leaving and you’re recognising that his behaviour is abusive. You will get there; just be patient with yourself. You have nothing to feel responsible for here; when you are ready to leave there will be a way around it all. He will have to look after himself or have a package of care put in place. He is not your responsibility.
Just a thought; have you looked into having any counselling? This might help to unpick those feelings of responsibility if this is what’s holding you back. You could ask your GP for a referral. But you can only leave when you’re ready; keep taking baby steps.
You can contact a Women’s Aid via the live chat (Mon – Fri 10am – 12pm) if you need to talk anything through/ any practical help.
Keep posting and keep reaching out for support.
Lisa
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Could it be you have lost your self esteem and motivation to seek help .
Have you got so lonely and desperate that you just try cope .
If you can’t do it for you then do it for your son ,As he got know choose who you go out with .You have a choose why you want stay around someone that dont give a dam gets drunk and expects you to slave after him he a user and if your want to be love your not getting it from this Guy
Be strong and go nearest women’s centre ,ask for there help get all your stuff and move out.
I read your statement again, Why do i plan to leave him at night – because that when your at your strongest cause your instinct to survive kick in ,the next day your mind can trick you into believing that it was all a bad nightmare and did not happen .But it has happened and if you carry on pretending it has not you will have more bad nightmare so please whoever you are.Leave and get your freedom back you don’t need this Guy .
He however might need you more than you need him but is this what you want leave before he destroys your identity.
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thank you lisa. i know all the things i should do but cant seem to put them in to action. i cant get councelling as he wouldnt allow it and i cannot go anywhere without his permission i am totally controlled by him,exept doing this, while he is inbed. i tried online coucelling with samaritans which helped a bit but really wasnt enough andas now i always have to rush, which is why i don’t have time to correct punctuation etc. i will try your page between 10 and 12 but as i have to call him at 10. 30 i cant really do that so well, thanks love gran.
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thank you all for your supportive comments, self love yes that song is always in my head i will survive, also queen, i want to break free, and d.i.v.o.r.c.e, i havemy own words to the last two. today is not so bad, hes not up yet though, he can be quite funny and last night said he loved me, but i don’t love him. sweet, thank you for your sound and caring advice,by the way my son is middle aged and broken up with his partner. he also has mental health problems. there was also another message which i read but cant seem to find from someone else, whose name icant remember but thank you any way, i hope you are all in a happier place now, love gran xx
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Hi Gran
It’s hard to give up because we want so much for them to just behave and be happy again.
The love we felt for them is hard to let go of.
Or we are scared of what the future holds for us alone.
The thing is only we can do it, I’ve watched my mum trying hard with men taking them back time and time again.
Nothing changes, just a little bit at first but they soon return to how they are.
I’ve done exactly the same, even went back after (detail removed by moderator) and it was so stressful!
Just don’t beat yourself up, don’t look at it as forever.
If you’re not ready to cope with that yet.
Break it up, what can you do for now towards a better future for you and your son?
Do woman’s hostels, safe houses, take on your son?
Will the police be there to help get your things?
What money are you entitled to?
Work through things so you’ve got a clearer picture.
You and Your son deserves so much more, love yourselves more then this man.
It’s not our job to save men who make us and our children have scars for life.
Yes it all takes time, but once you’re out, you’ve a chance of a life of happiness again.
The floaty feeling of love from a person who cares about you.
But first care for you, love the person you are. I will survive is a great song, sing it in your head. You can do this!!
We are behind you. People care you’re worth it. I believe you could just get up one night and take your son just like many women have done. People will help you people do care.
Take that step for you and your son.
He needs to find his own support, which he is capable of.
Best of luck! I know one thing you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.
Don’t do what I did and end up in a massive breakdown, unable to read, do my house, take care for myself, leave whilst you’re still able x
Or your mind could take over like mine did and just escape into years of sleep. You’re already taking steps being here x so well done, I’m proud of you, you’ll survive!!you’re as strong as others who struggled to leave a man,don’t beat yourselves up. Realise his not your responsibility, your son and you are!! Big hugs, by the way peace is bliss and you’re aiming to go there x -
Hi
The reason why you do that, will be to do with whats wrong with his behaviour, not yours.
I think every one on here who has left will tell you that it took them more time than they wished and that they doubted and doubted and doubted and questioned and doubted countless times and then blamed themselves for being week.
This is part of the struggle that leads you on the road to leaving. Its part of the process. In fact you can’t go until you have done it. But from what you say, it seems to me you are well and truly on the road to getting it done, you know all the reasons to go. That is a lot of progress. You have made it on to this group. That is very brave it took me till after leaving before I could contemplate talking about it.
Every human has the right to live their life based on their own principles of how kindness should feature in their life. That is not selfish. Selfish is if you don’t care about hurting others. Anyone reading what you wrote would care to say say that no-one should have to live like you do.. there is no human obligation that says it is right to be punished as he punishes you. You can care about him and wish him the best, but you can do this from a safe distance where you can;t get hurt and you can openly give the kindness to your son that you want him to know.
Thinking of you.
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What helped me was to say to myself. I am not leaving him now, but if I did this is what I would do.
Once I starting seeking out a place to stay and people told me how they could support me. knew I could leave, I felt at first better about staying as it felt more like a choice rather than being stuck and then i just decided to do the plan. -
thank you agapantha for your really good advice, i know everything you say makes sense and it also helps me to feel normal, when someone keeps telling you how stupid you are it makes you believe you are stupid if they tell you youare fat , you feel fat,etc i know you are right that i should make plans for if i do leave, he is always watching me ,if i go upstairs he accuses me of “being up to something” so i cant sort out all belongings etc. but i know i have to gradually work towards and plan a life without him. i donot have a passport but want to get one without him knowing, as icome from an offshore british island and am desperate to go home. thank you , love granxxx
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Hi gran, keep contacting Women’s Aid for every obstacle you encounter, e.g. going upstairs ask them what a good safe response phrase would be. Getting a passport, how can you do this safely? They’ll have answers for you.
Remember, take back your space slowly but surely, your freedom of movement, going to bed when you wish, having a shower when you decide, eating when and what you wish. Take back your power over your essential basic needs until you are out.
You’re doing well gran 💕
Keep strong & keep posting -
dear hopelifejoy thank you for the many answers you have added to my posts, as i have not been allowed for many many years to make friends and have had noone to confide in, this site hasbeen a godsend as i do not feel so isolated now and advice such as yours is so appreciated. if i ever get my freedom i hope i can do as you do and support others who are going through the same problems. although i may seem weak for staying so long, i still feel mentally strong, if you know what i mean, and still have hope for the future, even in this late stage of my life. i hope your life is in a good place now. love granxx
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You’re very welcome gran 💕
It’s great isn’t it, this forum is an absolute God sent indeed, for me too, to break the isolation, regaining strength. You are very strong, I know, he cannot break this mental strength and that is where it all starts. Strength from within. Soon ( or later) you’ll be able to break free physically as well.I am out of my abusive relationship and free to shape my life the way I wish. It’s not easy dealing with the aftermath but well worth it. Like you I have many dreams to full-fill, many many. One of them is to walk on the beach, and swim in the sea. I keep this vision in front of me, it is my carrot on a stick to kick myself forward, it works, I get all motivated like a little butterfly flying about happily when I see my dream. 🦋
Keep healthy gran, take good care of yourself, drink plenty of water (and add Vitamins C supplements to keep fit for the next few weeks), go outside walk get fresh air, listen to music, keep reaching for support and follow your plan, and step by step you’ll regain your territory over your very own life. Yes!
Keep posting, sending you hugs 💕 -
dear hopelifejoy,yes, i also dream of swimming in the sea again, as i did so often in mychildhood, i was brought up on a holiday island, and had an idilic childhood. i walk inside my home with my iplayer and run upstairs tokeepfit. i cant go walking alone, but do go to local shop every morning and that helps to keep fit especially as i would be qestioned if i took too long so i rush. i am a survivor. hope you achieve all your dreams, love gran xx
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Hi gran, it’s always very nice to hear from you 🙂 i loved to read that you are a survivor, you truly are, there is a lot of strength in that statement.
I can just imagine your beautiful childhood spend on the island on the beach, you must be a very good swimmer and perhaps even a surfer?
I too had a golden childhood, spend in a small village amongst green hills, my siblings, neighbours and I spent most of our time outdoors, at every season, we had a loving home to return to after our adventures outside, I dearly cherish this precious time of my life as I can see now how unique this was and how this vital period still transports me up until now.
Cousins of mine were living next to the beach and we went there some summers, I used to want to stay there. Haha. I love water, the sea, the sand, everything about it. I learned to surf, windsurf and sail during my life and I would like to do it again. If I had to choose only one single dream that would be it you know. I feel nowhere freer than on and in the water. I haven’t tried the air yet other than a single tandem parachute jump out of a plane, which I loved too. Girl you inspired me much here and brought back very good memories, thank you and sorry for the long reply. 🙃I was wondering and thinking of ways for you to gain independence…can you start a class of any kind? Aqua gym, swimming etc… ‘on doctors recommendation’ with a health recommendation letter to provide you with an excuse for the under lord of your house.
What do you think?Another question I have is; since you have a very clear destination to reach, what do you need to go from your location now to your island? Practically, financially, emotionally? Do you have free moments to brainstorm this?
I’m glad you’re able to go out every morning, that’s very good news.
Take good care dear sweet gran, pls keep posting 💕 -
thank you hopelifejoy, yes i was quite a strong swimmer, not so much as speed but more in the way of stamina, i’m afraid i have been stopped from going anywhere social where i could make friends, i love family history and there are family history societys nearby but i am not allowed to go places like that, how i hate the word allowed, it makes me seem so weak, but things are never black or white.sorry i have to rush this but i only have 5 minutes before he coms back. love gran xx
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Hi gran
You’re anything but weak that’s for absolutely certain, I think actually you’re displaying quite some stamina in your life not only in your swimming. There will be a way out of this for you.Sending you lots of good thoughts your way. I want to share my current favourite piece of music with you; it’s called A hidden life composed by James Newton Howard, soundtrack of the film of the same name. I find it very beautiful, especially the opening with the piano, the cello joining in. Then a violin. Then another… pure delight.
Enjoy 💕🎶🎵 -
thank you hope life and joy, i will look it up and let you know what i think, my favourite song is by chris farlow, its called on the beach, i remember finding it in a music shop as a teenager and loved it. my daughter who has now passed away asked me allmy favourite music and she downloaded them onto a cd for me which she titled “the best mother in the world” that cd is so precious to me now. the song reminds me ofmy childhood, will let you know what i think of the music you recommended later, thanks, love gran xx
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This is great music gran, it’s so upbeat, I listen to it right now, I like it alot, I don’t think I’ve ever listened to Chris Farlowe before. I used to go regularly to various live rock&blues bars together with my colleagues after work, this style reminds me very much of it.
Did you ever get a chance to see him play live?
Take good care gran, enjoy the start of the spring, the milder air outside, take in some deep breaths 🌸🌼🍀
Wishing you the best possible day, give yourself permission to do one thing just for yourself today 💕
Keep posting -
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Dear Gran
I love your posts. It’s clear you have a great imagination and that you find freedom in your dreams.
It’s hard to read about the fear you live with minute to minute but it explains why you can fall asleep determined to leave but lose the will next morning. Nighttime is the only peace you have. Use this quiet time to plan those first baby steps. I don’t know the legalities but can you get help to repatriate to your heavenly island? Perhaps you have family there? Do you have a dual nationality passport?
Is there an ex-pat social group for your nationality? One that you could email so you make connections and break the isolation?
It sounds trite but every journey really does start with the first step. I’m thinking now of my own gran who suffered decades of abuse that only ended when she was widowed. You deserve happiness now. Wishing you luck x
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dear camel, thank you for your kind post.my problem is actually worse at night because i am a heavy snorer, i have sleep apnoa and it is at night that i am getting most of the abuse because i keep him awake although he has always had a problem of sleeping but wont allow me to sleep on the setee which i would much prefer. i am also not allowed to get a passport or go on social media. sometimes i feel like writing my life story, but don’t want to hurt his familywith the things i would write. i have never thought of him as evil even though he keeps telling me i am but he is mentally very unstable and always has been but i have survived him this long long marriage and now with thi corona virus, who knows what will happen, he is in the over 70s and has (detail removed by moderator) so is at risk. the only thing going for me is i have been aprisoner for many many years and know how to survive it, so im used to being trapped, ihope youare well and keep safe over this frightening time. it must have been hard watching your grandmother suffer, i should have leftwhen my kids were young so they werent witness to his mental abuse. love and happiness to you love granxx
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Hi gran
If you can do write your book, i’m sure it will be a master piece. You can use an artist name as author. Never mind about his family. That’s how abuse works. Inside the house where only the spouse suffers. He puts on a public face for others. It’s only fair you’d write about it all, how it really is.I’m not wishing ill on anyone on the planet but let’s say your husband is definitely NOT in my prayers to stay healthy and safe.
You are in my prayers.
I’m sure your daughter is watching over you keeping you protected.
Stay strong and healthy 💪💕🌸 -
dear hopelifejoy, thanks, i probably wont end up writing that book, although i did write a novel about (detail removed by moderator) ago, although i never got it published or anything. i also write a lot of poetry that is how i overcome to a certain extent, my grief for my daughter, by writting poetry about her. she was a really talented singer songwriter, who was held back by (detail removed by moderator) etc. my problem is i’m a daydreamer rather than a doer. i hope your life is good and you are in a good place, stay healthy and safe in these uncertain times and thank you for your notes, they mean a lot. love gran xx
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How are you doing gran? Do you have everything you need?
Thank you for your concern, I am safe, healthy and very comfortable where I live. I fully trust my government to take care of us health wise. And they’re already taking big financial actions to reduce an economical disaster. I also trust WHO and find them reassuring.
I don’t have any reasons to worry at all. None. Nevertheless I suffer from anxiety. My adrenaline runs high. Our schools, day cares, shops, restaurants are all shut since beginning this week, I am out of work for the upcoming weeks. I offered my help to a colleague of mine, mother of two very young active children who are only used to play outside hours on end. She spends her time visiting one location after another, keeping them very busy, involving a lot of social contact and outdoors activities. So we did this up until mid week then decided to cool down social contacts and do physical distancing. Now I am helping keep their children busy inside their house, doing homework, playing etc…we are still allowed to go outside so we go for walks but skip play grounds and other parents. It’s been an intense week, the days are long and exhausting but I get to know their culture which is as different from western culture as night and day, very interesting. Both parents are survivors of the war in Syria, escaped through a difficult journey from their country till here, climbing over prison walls to reach freedom. They’ve been in uncountable countries, without any possessions, crossing borders, being put into prisons, escaped, catched again then through her amazing communication skills earned her way forward, they released her onto the next country, until she arrived here. She’s a tiny, petite, feminin woman and just like a butterfly, born to be absolutely free 😊🦋
This week has been so strange, it seems a year has gone by…It must have been a nice experience writing a novel. I used to write short poetry and songs too, all dedicated to my second abuser.
I understand for a dreamer it isn’t easy to put things in motion practically. Perhaps someone else can do this for you? Then you just follow the steps of the action plan. Women’s Aid can help you. Are you in touch with them at the moment? It would be good, just to make sure you’re safe right now and keep discussing the future in practical ways.
I’m glad you are able to write and talk to your daughter. It must feel peaceful and take you to another place. Are you able to remember her voice? Her songs?
Happy mothers day to you. Be proud of the time you’ve spend together 💕🌸Take good care of yourself, keep a healthy routine going, keep getting fresh air every day. 🍀🌼
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dear hopelifejoy, thank you for your last post, it is so comforting to get them. i think i missed one ,the one about chris farlow, no i have never seen him live, i think his most famous songs as a songwriter were covered by others like rolling stones etc but i actully prefer him singing them himself. i did see quite a few bands live but only before i left my home as a young teenager. i packed quite a lot into those early years.it must be very rewarding helping your syrian refugee family, too many people are so selfish and bigoted and selfish when these people have suffered so much, the mother sounds lovely. i am fine, we have enough of everything at the moment and i have booked a delivery at the end of this week, which i did last week and there was a 12 day wait but that is fine . one of my daughters is helping people who cannot get out to get things they need. another daughter gave me a hamper of food for mother’s day which was really handy. yesterday i went to visit my daughter’s grave, it will probably be the last time for a while as we have to stay indoors. stay safe and thanks again. love gran xx
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Hello gran, I’m so very glad you’re taking such good care of yourself. Your daughters sound generous and helpful and your daughter in heaven must be safe and warm.
The news are changing headspinningly fast. The advice for this week – in my country – is to stay home. So I can’t help the Syrian family anymore. I am very exhausted anyway so I welcome a time of respite, I think I am finally calming down. I had my first real day off today, even though I did a lot, I was also able to relax and enjoy every minute of my day. I had to giggle multiple times today, i feel i’m on holidays, it feels absolutely wonderful 😊
You know gran if there is ever a time to leave an abusive relationship it is now. Since the overall advice is to stay home, you would have plenty of time to rest in your new home/temporary transit home. Leaving an abusive relationship is exhausting, say you would go to a refuge/shelter or to one of your daughters you would get your very own room and be able to sleep, take walks, cry your eyes out and just take care of yourself and rest loads. Yes it’ll all be new, no familiar surroundings but it’s temporary and from there you’ll be able to get things moving to get your passport sorted. When the country and airports etc are up and running again you’ll go home. By summer you’ll walk on your beaches again ☀️⛱🏝 can you see it?
Take good care, sending love 💕🌸
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dear hope lifejoy and hunkydorythank you both for your posts, yes hunkydory, hljs messages really help me from feeling isolated and are inspiring and big hugs to you too. i will walk on those beaches again and one day i willswim in the sea but right now i can’t abandon him, although my family have some idea what he’s like they still lovehim , he has got a good side to him sometimes. the son that lives with us knows more about the bad side but sometimes i look at my husband and he’s really just a frightened child who tries to pretend he is a hard guy, but his power is slipping away. hopelife and joy i’m glad you are getting some quality time to yourself, you deserve it , you are obviously a kind and caring woman but if you don’t look after yourself, you will burn yourself out. i hope you both either escape this horrible virus or only have very mild symptoms, take care love gran
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Hello gran
I hope you find ways to stay busy and are doing fine.
Yes abusers are also having good sides, this adds to the difficulty of leaving them. If it would be all bad it would make it easier. I’m glad he’s loosing power, if this means you are gaining yours that’s what matters.
You’re so right about burning out, I think I might be a little bit. Since yesterday I need huge amounts of sleep during the day additional to my night sleep. It’s good I can rest now. I am taking good care of myself.
I too wish everyone only shows mild symptoms or none at all.
Keep getting fresh air dear gran, keep healthy 💕🌸🍀🌼
Hugs to you Hunkydory, I hope you’re healthy and safe 💕
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Hi gran, I’ve been posting on here fir over 2 years now. I left my oh nearly (detail removed by moderator) with the help of my local WA. I too spent many nights knowing we were over, only to wake up the next day thinking I’d made it through another night. I had an enough is enough moment, this was my drive to help me leave. We all reach it sooner or later. Getting the key to my own wee flat even though it’s still refuge was amazing. The peace,quiet and tranquillity of the place washed over me. I won’t lie, from going no contact, to having some(for now, only because of certain circumstances) hasn’t been easy. But not once have I thought I’d made a mistake. If anything it’s made me see what I did was the best choice fir me. I’ll deal with whatever life throws at me. Some days it seems too much, some days I laugh. I rarely cry now but I don’t have to squash doing so anymore when I do. Keep posting gran. Keep reaching out,keep journaling his behaviour.its a way to remind yourself when you start to forget just how bad things were. They don’t change but will promise you anything if you give them one last chance. They will say and do anything to win you back. You will be accused of having someone else constantly, male or female.
I now have my own house but again circumstances are such(covid19) that I can’t move on, yet. But I will. I will be in my own house by Christmas this year, hopefully long before that. Keep visualising your life free of him. Dare to dream. I’m a firm believer in the law of attraction (LOA), of it helps, look into it.
Love and light
IWMB -
dear hopelifejoy and iwantmeback, thank you for your posts i am uplifted when i read them. i hpoe you are both well inthis uncertain time, things seem to be escalating very quickly, likewise i hope you both escape this dreaded virus or only have mild symptoms. in a way i think i would prefer just the mild symptoms and get it over with and hopefully then have immunity. my daughter and herchildren are stuck in (detail removed by moderator), her husband is workingaway and they aremybiggest worry at the moment. i dont put emojis on my posts because i dont know how, in case you are wondering but smiley face and heart to you both love gran
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Dear sweet gran
Yes I thought of it that way too!! The virus isn’t mutating meaning we would be immune once healed. One medical woman in my town got infected and healed, she has offered her help working on the front lines with infected patients whereas normally she works behind a desk in the health sector. The solidarity between people is beautiful. We also have help groups available similar to the one your daughter is working in, who offer help for people who can’t get groceries themselves. The offer of help is even greater than the demand.
I hope your daughter and grand children are fine, trust that they are smart intelligent and self reliant people, they’ve been well raised by you so they are capable to take care of themselves and be safe and well.
You can find the emojis right there on your screen keyboard beside the number options [123] if it’s a mobile phone you’re using. Otherwise I don’t know. But it’s fine as is you know, your kindness is felt enormously through your words 😌
Keep healthy gran, get your daily vitamin D intake through sunshine. Do you have a garden or veranda? Otherwise take a comfortable chair, a thick warm blanket and open the window and sit there for awhile, taking in the sun through your skin on your face, your arms. Vitamin D helps the immune system stay healthy and high. You can also take in drops prescribed by your Dr.
Best it to take a walk of course. Which is allowed as one form of exercise per day still I think.
Vitamin C too is very helpful, boil an entire lemon cut in slices for few minutes in water, take out the lemon, let the water cool totally off then fill in a bottle and put it in the fridge. Drink a tall glass daily. I mix it with a little hot water to better digest it.If you get a chance, have you seen the information on Women’s Aid News site on Covid-19 and safety advice?
Take good care gran, stay healthy and safe and keep posting 😊💕
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dear hopelifejoy, thank you once again for your very helpful post. i do go for a walk with my husband every other day, he can be perfectly ok sometimes, he is like a jekyll and hyde, can be amusing and make jokes, which are not usually funny, but far better than his agression, it is mostly atnight when he cant sleep that he is at his worst. basically i have to walk on egg shells. have you ever read the book “walking on eggshells” it was an eyeopener to me. there were so many answers in it for me and made me realise that the wayihad acted during my marriage was the right way, or at leastthe normal way. i used to think i was some kind of freak for staying, but now realise life is not that simple. i do not use a mobile phone, but thanks anyway. thank you for the covide 19 info, i was wondering that, but am ok at the moment. i think when he is frightened he tries to be a bit kinder wellthanks again, take care of yourself, you obviouslyhave a very caring nature but also look after yourself. love gran x*x
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Good morning gran
How are you today?
I have another piece of music for you; ‘Dawn’ from the soundtrack Pride and Prejudice. Beautiful piano, I think it fits well with the Spring starting, flowers and trees flourishing, it’s just so peaceful.I’m glad you’re able to get a regular walk, I had to laugh at your comment of his jokes not actually being funny 😄
I haven’t read the book Walking on eggshells, sounds interesting, this is what we all do with abusers, in some way or another, I used to comfort my abusive ex after his angry raging outbursts. He always blamed his childhood. And always apologised because he knew if he did i’d forgive him and move on.
Enjoy your day dear gran 🌸🌼
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dear hopelifejoy, thank you i will listen .to “dawn” when i get chance,i am so glad you managed to escape yur ex and are now free to make your own choices my husband apologises sometimes but does exactly the same the next night he constantly tells me its because i’m fat but my wii fit tells me my weight is still in the ideal range and i prefer to believe it, thank you for your uplifting posts, stay well. love gran
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