Why do I still care for him or want him?

[Readytoheal]

Hi, I’m really struggling today, will there ever be a day when I no longer care for him or feel I want him? Some days it hurts so much, my heart aches and my brain tries to listen to it.
I just want to stop thinking about him, I was told it takes time but the longer it seems to be the more I want to just talk to him somehow? A need to text him or see what he’s up too? Although I know he’s already in a new relationship, whilst I’m here struggling with everything that’s going on..
why is it that I can’t seem to let him go even though I know I have too? He’s now leading a whole new life whilst I’m her feeling so lost and lonely with no friends and nowhere but forums or support workers to turn too?
Can anyone give me some idea coz everyone keeps telling me it will get better, but when? It’s just so hard and I know I’m near to giving in, it feels it’s inevitable. I’m just so lost right now, I’ve tried my hardest all these months to be brave or strong but I’m failing miserably. How do I forget (detail removed by Moderator) years of relationship, s**t or cruel or otherwise? Please help?

[Bananaboat]

You don’t forget your relationship, it’s ok to miss the good times. The challenge is to recognise it was not good for you and not go back. You’re probably missing being in a relationship and sharing your life with someone rather than him as a person. You say you want to contact him but has he ever contacted you? You say he’s moved on so if you did contact him aren’t you setting yourself up for more hurt or worse, being the other woman. These men don’t feel love and connections like we do so don’t be fooled into thinking she’s better than you in anyway, she’s just the new supply, the next fly in his web. Be kind to yourself, whilst yes it’s good to be away from abuse remember you’re still going through a break up and all the usual feelings that entails. The thought of what could’ve been is tough. Have you tried keeping a journal? That way you get your feelings out of your head and on paper, plus you can go back and read it as needed. If you haven’t already then look into counselling, hopefully that can help you to work through not only coping strategies for now but also how to avoid similar relationships in the future. Just remember it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to miss the good times and what could’ve been, but don’t forget the bad, the fear, the anxiety too. Try setting yourself small goals each day, it could be just a walk round the block, to say hello to a neighbour in the street, working up to perhaps joining a club/gym. You got this, it will get better and how long? Well there’s no set timescale, that varies person to person xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh and just because it’s raining today doesn’t mean it will tomorrow, it might not be tomorrow, next week or the month after but the sunshine always comes back eventually x

[Readytoheal]

Thank you so much, it’s been horrendous with every kind of abuse possible, he wasn’t and isn’t a nice person at all.. it’s been terribly hard and a very long marriage it spanned (detail removed by Moderator) decades.
I know I need to try to stay positive and my adult children would never talk to me again as they forced him out and made me wake up coz they’d had enough.
I really am trying to do better and to be better, I just get these odd days when I really miss him. I do know it’s the whole trauma bonding thing, I just wish my brain and heart could align once in a while.
I’ve yet to go through all the police and court stuff and I’m dreading it.
I was in a seriously bad way 7 months ago and am only just starting to get a bit stronger

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard when there is a lot of history there , my relationship wasn’t as long as yours , but I can imagine how you must be feeling. Your still grieving and it is in a way mourning the loss of a relationship, so you will go through these stages as the previous lady wrote don’t set yourself up for further hurt by contacting him , all you will feel is used after and not any better about the situation. Take each day slowly and try and focus on positives less focus on him and his thoughts & feelings . I wish I could say there was a magic wand to banish all these feelings and it’s a hard task to move forward , but without sounding cliche it does get better in time . I thought same as you how am I going to get over this ? No matter what his done to me , I still love him , why ? I just wanted to be over him and the pain in my heart to stop . I still in a way love my ex , but it’s not painful anymore , I can see a future for me and I’m doing my best each day to move on and focus on me . I try to keep busy and plan daily what I have in mind to do , be it cleaning or shopping, washing , silly things even , just so I feel as though I’ve accomplished something today , this takes the focus away from him . You will feel better trust me , it’s a long relationship just to wipe away in an instant, baby steps xx

[Author]

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