Why do I still feel hope?

[Anonymous]

My partner attacked me (detail removed by moderator). He dragged me across the bedroom by my hair and kicked me in the back down the stairs whilst calling me names.
All I remember is screaming and luckily his lodger was in who stopped it by shouting at him.
He had never attacked me to this level before. He’d crushed my hand in bed once when he was annoyed at me and we’d had volatile verbal fights but it was always more emotional control.
The worst part is that after the last incident I ran in to another room and cried but didn’t call the police. I told him I had to scare him but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew he’d be in serious trouble and with two children that he has joint custody of after a messy divorce, I still defended him and didn’t do it.
Unfortunately, he panicked, thought I’d rung them and so rang them himself too. He then lied to them about me (detail removed by moderator) and he had no injuries…
I’ve never been in trouble before and am terrified of anything ‘legal’ and all things serious so to be arrested and taken for questioning about something I didn’t do was one of the most hellish experiences I think I’ll ever have.
The next day a friend went over to collect some things on my behalf and he tried to charm her on his doorstep in his (detail removed by moderator). He told her how he’d packed things in bags he knew I liked and she said it was like she was going around for a cup of tea. He then proceeded to message her twice (detail removed by moderator)’ and stating he’d forgotten a few things. I asked her to ignore him.
I am currently waiting to hear whether anything will happen to me, the DC told me it was highly likely to be no further action as there is no evidence and it’s just ‘he said, she said.’
I understand that but when I asked if he’d been arrested after I told them how he attacked me he said No and said I’d have to start a whole new process of allegations against him.

I naively assumed that my interview was enough for them to at least go back to him and question him.
I’m still in shock and absolutely devastated that this man never loved me. I know that he doesn’t, that he is an abuser and I know I can’t go back but I’m still sitting here hoping that he’ll change and that he’ll finally finish an anger management course and we’ll still get married and live happily ever after. How do I stop myself thinking that?
I went to the hospital to get checked out as soon as I was released from questioning and was referred to some DV charities, who have all been wonderful. My injuries were documented and I took pictures and sent them to friends and to myself to remind myself of what he did to me if I start missing him.
There were so many good qualities about him that I’m absolutely terrified once the shock has worn off, I will start to forget what happened and beg for him back, as I have so many times.

Every time I left him after an argument he never contacted me, never begged for me back, never did anything that you read about abusers doing. He just didn’t think he’d done anything wrong and didn’t truly care about me. This devastates me more than any physical harm he ever did to me but also has made me incredibly vulnerable and weak around him. If he ever for some reason begged for me back or tried to woo me I know I’d cave and go back. I’m almost glad he’s so sociopathic he won’t but I’m desperate to start seeing him for what he is and stop sticking up for him in my head.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Don’t even waste energy on a man like this , i know u say he has lot of good qualities, but he clearly has bad qualities too , u want someone that will respect u, keep thinking of why u left, dont focus on what was good. it does take time to get over them and u do miss them like crazy, but in time it does get better. start focusing on things u like doing to keep yourself distracted

[KIP.]

Hey there, my ex had me detained by the police too after he attacked me. It was devastating as I still thought he would do the decent thing (detail removed by moderator)He’s prepared to leave you with a criminal record if it comes to it. What kind of lowlife does that. Write down everything he’s done to you and how it made you feel. Our minds want to remember to good times as its too painful to recall the abuse. However abuse always gets worse. Work on no contact with him. I think the reason he never pursued you was that he got his kicks out of you coming back to him. You have a witness in his lodger, you have visible injuries and you have your own statement. I would go back to the police. Ask for the domestic abuse police and make a statement. They will have to investigate. If the lodger makes a statement then you may have enough evidence. Talk it over with your DV worker.

[survivr]

It’s very hard to realise that they don’t love you isn’t it? My abuser used to tell me thousands of times a day how much he loved me but still continued the abuse. He just needed reassurance that I loved him. When I split up with him last time he went on an abuser programme and was hostile towards me all the time. I loved him so much and really thought that the programme would force him to see that what he was doing was abusive but it didn’t. He’s never going to see that.
A lot of literature on domestic abuse says anger management courses don’t work for abusive men. I can see why because abusers are not angry, they just use anger to manipulate us. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t see any need to.
He’s not going to lovebomb you like other abusers do because he knows you’ll be begging him to come back once, in his eyes, you come back to your senses. Give him time and yes, he’ll probably start to love bomb you. He does want you back, he needs you to feed his ego.

[older lady]

Hi. I wrote a very long-winded post and then realised it would be better if you looked up ‘trauma bonding’, and anything on power and control in abusive relationships and how emotions get used and confused. xx

[Author]

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