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I feel so confused and can’t sleep as i have had no choice but to ask my partner to leave again. My neighbour came to the door asking if i was ok as she could hear him running at me. He had his fist clenched as if he was going to hit me but never. He grabbed my face. I turned away n put my elbow out to protect myself. He never hit me but he has before a few years ago. Now it’s always namecalling and yelling. He doesn’t hit me but grabs my face n pushes me. (Detail removed by Moderator). He ran after me and pushed me down the bottom stairs. He looked so angry like he wanted to hit me but stopped himself. I said (detail removed by Moderator). He says vile thibgs if i ask him to go. He shouts at me either when he has weed withdrawals or after he takes coccaine. I don’t even take drugs. I put in a tireade of abuse again after he took Coccaine (detail removed by Moderator).. This is a recurring problem i’ve had. I’ve told him if he takes it again. We r over. He still took it. Full well knowing it will end our relationship. I can’t even say he’s addicted as he takes it every (detail removed by Moderator) weeks so it must be a choice. Ive read the book Lundy Bancroft inside the mind of an abuser. He is all they things. The jailer( wants to know where i am at all times) in a way this made me feel loved at first. Not now. I find it diserspectful. He goes into tirades of accusing me of cheating if im longer at Asda than i should be. He is the (liar) Constant promises of how he won’t take coke again as he won’t have me n loves me so much he doesn’t want to lose me. Then he goes n does it n says he won’t abuse me the next day but he does. Every time i get yelled at and called names n blamed for anything as he lies in bed all day n stomps around any time he gets up. When he asked me for the money i felt bullied n scared. Any time he gives me any money to save for a holiday or anything he gambles all his money n asks for it back. I have no life where i can plan anything with him. When i ask him to go sfter being abusive he phones his kids msking them feel sorry for him. He cries saying dhe is throwing me out. He fails to tell them why thst he has been abusive or took coke. He even lied once it was because i had another boyfriend. Which was complete lies. I see nobody n go nowhere apart from my mums – However he then has this other side when the Coccaine wears off the (detail removed by Moderator)weeks in between when he can be the sweetest most caring man who promises me the world n is so loving n how he is not going to let me down again n we will save for a holiday n he cries at the thought of him scaring me n shouting at me and he says he loves me so much. He tells me he told his kids he judt said thst because he was upset n it wasn’t true. It does look like he does love me more than anything at these points which is what i will miss. I felt he loved me more than anyone else has in the whole world the way he wanted yo constantly call me or message me but was it really love. I seem to feel sorry for him when i do believe he loves me n has messed up everything through his own eratic behaviour, however,he won’t chsnge it. Recently i done a test on him online snd it came out saying he showed high probability of borderline personslity disorder. He still denies he has this and won’t seek any help for it. All i know is i have no choice anymore to have him live with me. My neighbour has a child n her child gets frightened with him shouting and swearing. I feel so embaressed and humilated as i’m not that type of person to cause a disturbsnce and i’m very quiet and mild mannered. I just wish i could stop believing he loves me n he is my soulmate n move on. I need help to do this.
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Dear tiredanddrained,
You’ve been very strong asking your partner to leave. You’ve explained serious physical, financial, emotional abuse and coercive control. Everyone has a choice in how they behave, and sadly abusers choose to behave in this way to have power and control.
You mention a personality disorder at the end of your post. A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, n**********c personality, borderline personality). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers. If your partner is not owning up to his actions, is not admitting to how much he’s hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change, and it sounds like you recognise this now.
It’s normal to feel conflicted, it’s normal to love the “nice” bits of the person and to grieve the relationship you should have had. Many survivors talk of a ‘trauma bond’- perhaps have a read about this.
You absolutely need and deserve help to end this relationship safely, as this is a dangerous time and his abuse has escalated recently. Please consider using our Live Chat service or contact your local domestic abuse service for support. You can also have a read through our Safety Planning page.
Keep posting to let us know how you get on,
Lisa
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Hello, I’ve lived very similar to this and lovely, even if he gave up the coke the abuse would still be there. He takes it because he can, he’s ‘entitled’, he’s ‘better than you/the law’. You say he’s not addicted but I’d say he probably is, it’s highly addictive and sadly so widely available. If he hasn’t given it up for you, your family or even himself by now then he won’t. You’re doing the right thing telling him to go, but he won’t go easily, they never do. Watch out for the nice guy routine to hook you back in. There’s many reasons you still love him – you’re trauma bonded, our bodies get addicted to the hormones released during the highs and lows too, the cycle of abuse, the future faking, the idea of what could be if he was just clean/different. Be kind to yourself, this isn’t easy
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Thankyou Bananaboat and Lisa for your replies. I really appreciate them and it’s good to hear it’s not just the coccaine because your right he was yelling at me the day before it. I need to read up more on trauma bond and i will. He is definately never going to get help so i need to ensure this time there is no going back. Im going to end it for good. I’m bot forgiving him. Im determind this time and will use the live chat for support when needed. Thank you both so much for taking the time out your day to reply and help me 💖x*x
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