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Why do the abused get the spotlight shone on them whilst the abusers can lay low?
People are quick (perhaps sometimes to genuinely help) to focus on the mental health of the abused which in my experience is extremely stigmatising when it really shouldn’t be. On the one hand abuse affects our mental health, it deteriorates in response to what we are going through which is powerful evidence of the abuse in itself, but on the other hand having the light shone on our mental health seems to have a punishing effect on the victim as people question your rationality. They see you as ‘confused’ and ‘unfit’ when they really have no idea what has been going on.
What can we do to address this? Particularly when it comes to taking formal/legal action? Is it up to us to prove and justify ourselves? Why is it always about the victim’s actions and behaviour and not the abusers? This simply keeps people trapped in the cycle it seems. I hope someone can answer/shed light on some of these questions. If you’ve been through the legal process, did you encounter these problems and how did that work out for you? I’m getting sick of being portrayed in this way and it just makes me act out more in a desperate attempt to clear my name. It’s so easy to see why people just go back. I’ve had a bit of a revelation myself and feel that my urge to beg and plead with him is so that I don’t have to deal with the stigma that has been attached to me. I just want to clear my name. This is why I feel doing nothing is not an option. I refuse to be tarred and want to be heard and want my abuser to be known and to receive justice. Is that wrong?
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no its understandable – this might be the wrong thing to suggest but have you thought about contacting the papers? i considered this at one point but didnt do it. i wonder if your MP would get involved my MP was so understanding and helpful. i did go to court but obviously only for contact not the abuse. i wish i had now but i wasnt sure id have enough evidence as it all happened quite some time ago now. so i know how you feel about not really getting it all acknowledged in light off all the damage he did to me. im like you i was discarded and there were kids involved – a long storey but similar to you. i think as far as clearing your name ie in that your sane is to keep saying its is when you are faced with anything to do with him. keep stating and getting it all down on the notes this is related to the abuse you have suffered by him. thats what ive done. when your feeling overwhelmed go to the gp even if your there time and time again. thats what theyre there for and then its very well documented incase you need it. i can see things going down this road where women will be asking for compensation from these men. especially for those who now have PTSD its very unjust that they just get to walk away x*x there is always a means to an end x
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I think the spotlight shines on us because we speak out. We want our story heard. The trouble is we are vulnerable when we speak out. I’m a totally different person now than when I spoke out. I crawled blindly through court and police intervention. That’s why women’s aid, rape crisis, the Samaritans etc are so fantastic. And this forum. I interacted with women who had walked my path and was supported beyond belief by this forum. It takes tenacity and sheer b****y mindedness to get justice. Sometimes it’s just too much while we are damaged and vulnerable.
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Thank you both.
I hadn’t thought about contacting my MP although I’m not quite sure what I would say. How can they help?
I have thought about the papers as I know this is a big issue in universities and I know mine has come under criticism for not being good enough. My college have also recently dealt with an historic case so I imagine that could be part of the smear. I received my data today and I’m very concerned about some of the things written about me. I think some of it is genuinely trying to be helpful but I’m concerned some of the things documented do not reflect what actually happened. I’m quoted as saying things I know I didn’t say and some things have been taken out of context. I’m concerned the emails that I sent to my ISVA are in the data package that my college sent me. Surely that’s confidential? I was told by the central data people that it would have been captured from my email account which is a college address, but if that was so then why aren’t all my other emails in there too? I’m VERY worried.
I don’t really know how the papers would be interested and I have no experience of dealing with this. I wouldn’t know where to start to be honest. The conflict is still so great. I’m desperate to make reparations with him and yet it seems utterly impossible. He’ll never trust me even though he’s the one whose betrayed my trust. It’s a lonely, troubled path.
Justice is so important and it’s just so much easier to try and appeal to the abuser than get it. I don’t want to be a victim or a survivor, I want the justice and for my abuser to be unmasked. I want the justice for myself and to protect others, especially vulnerable undergrads. This person is a predator and callous beyond belief. Even my college said that they looked up his social media and were concerned enough to think that they wouldn’t want their daughter being tutored by him. Yet they question me. ‘Why do you want to complain? What would you get out of it?’ Why do people keep asking me this question. Isn’t it obvious? The lack of belief is astounding and this is from a woman who is involved in a domestic violence charity!
Does anyone know what level of evidence you need or what constitutes good evidence. I have most of my chat history and a number of voice clips that document our relationship. Some of this is clearly nasty, but I wonder is it enough? How do you know what you have is good enough?
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My history of depression (caused by his repeated assaults) was used against me in the judicial side of things. I was very disappointed to learn that a depression years prior to the assault in question could somehow discredit my character – but it did. To me – that depression was caused by his abuse, his abuse was certainly not caused by my depression but this is how they spin it I’ve since learned.
There is a stigma around mental health still even with all the advances that have been made to try and combat this, and the courts haven’t caught up to this yet. Break a leg and walk around in a cast for a while and no one bats an eye, but take anti depressants for a few months and suddenly you are a lose cannon.The unfairness, the stupidity required to even think such a thought that any sign of being mentally unwell somehow discredits victims, I simply cannot fathom how people uneducated in mental health can make such assumptions and judge and rule based on it.
I’m thankful that at least the mental health professionals I have spoken to have all agreed – the abuse deterioated my mental health, not the other way around. As DM says, make a point of always saying any reaction that may be out of character for you is because you have had to deal with him – it’s the truth and I should hope would start to at least open the minds of people to that very possibility. I wish I had in hindsight made a bigger point of explaining why I had that depression years ago.
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How ridiculous. So his defence is that your depression caused his abuse? Surely when someone is depressed we help them as much as we can. We don’t abuse them. Unless we are abusers, who then target us more because we are vulnerable. It doesn’t matter what his excuse was. There is no excuse for domestic abuse. Very typical to pass the blame back. Put the spotlight back on us. Victim blame.
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His defence was in part that, yes. I think they had skizofrenia confused with depression – I’ve never hallucinated and it’s not something that was part of being depressed, but when adding it all up together it seemed admitting to a past depression made my story less credible which only served to reinforce his side of things and the fact no one saw. It still bothers me, as in hindsight there were so many ways I could have answered those questions mentioning his historic abuse, but oh well. I learned and I keep fighting xx
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What the heck? I can’t believe this – it makes me so mad to hear this was used against you! How can people be so ignorant? Did you have someone acting on your behalf? Did they get access to your medical record or did they just create a narrative that took you by surprise? This is terrifying that people can do this and use it to hurt someone already vulnerable.
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They had to get access to my medical records in order for them to see all the times I had been to the GP with my ex tagging along as well as the injuries the GP documented. Regarding the depression there was actually a note from my GP stating the situation with my ex was the likely cause, but that didn’t seem to matter.
In the end I was told the burden hadn’t been lifted in terms of evidence. No one had seen it happen, he had fled, no one took photos so I did so myself. It’s hard to explain in anonymous phrases on here but no one acted on my behalf. What I’ve taken from the experience is that not everyone in this world means you well and sometimes sharing a vulnerability will be exploited, much like abusers exploit the secrets we tell them x I so agree with KIP, I wish solicitors were also provided to victims, perhaps something to advocate for once I am in a better place mentally x
So BM my best advice is a straight copy of DM’s – any mention of your mental health, refer it to having to deal with his abuse. This isn’t manipulating facts, it’s stating the truth. You know this, I can read in your posts on here that you know you weren’t always feeling the things you are having to feel now. You ask what is wrong with you sometimes so you know this isn’t who you always were, but nothing is wrong with you that wasn’t caused by him. Cause and effect x Maybe all victims do not have problems with their mental health and I admire these women for having the strength to stay sane and protect their minds – but likewise there is no shame for those of us who are affected, who have their mental healths left in ruin, we just have to remember this is also an injury caused by our abusers x
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I’m learning a lot. Before this happened to me I never had to even think about abuse. Never thought it would touch my life. What I’m learning is horrific, and the treatment of victims is shambolic.
I have a mental health issue in my early life and a bout pf PND. I would hate for something that happened to me over a decade ago would affect anything. It’s frightening. I’m assuming they’d only take medical notes from the time period I was with this person though anything more is surely overkill and only to try and dig dirt? I have no experience of anything like this. It seems like as long as you are well prepared and contextualise things that things can go in your favour? With my complaint I have made sure to pull statistics and supporting evidence from scholars in the field of DV as well as organisations such as Refuge, WA and WHO. I’m hoping by putting supporting evidence of things such trauma bonding, the fact that women return to their abusers etc will help give people who potentially don’t understand some context? I really don’t know how these things go and what constitutes a good argument. I’ve got plenty of evidence in the form of messages and voice clips as well as GP notes etc
Thank you for sharing AS. I hope you continue to fight. One of the worst things is that people expect you to just ‘move on’ as though justice is unimportant. I see it as vital to my own personal recovery but that’s perhaps just me. I want to see all women hurt in this horrific way vindicated and empowered. We shouldn’t have to be victims or even be survivors. We should be who we are, but with justice x
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say you were diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia or a grandious or even the type that tells people to set fire to there house or others like delusional thinking thats a worrying diagnosis and at that there are sections in place in the law to protect people suffering from this even at that theyre not killers as perceived in the papers. psychopaths are however far more dangerous like our exs! so post natal depression cannot go against you that was a time (and only time) that your mood changed due to your hormones. they might try to make out your the psycho but that would be pure projection. i feel you are experiencing institutional bullying if they try to pull this one on you xxxx it would be discrimination an unfounded. a psychologist would say the same xx
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im reading this back – so have you taken your concerns to the police? have you managed to articulalte his behaviour to the coersive control tick list on the CPS web site xx i work for a large institution and something happened along these lines well it was actually sexual harassment any way this institution freaked out as in backed down xx he should really be sacked x does he have a clause in his profesional papers about good character?
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I phoned 101 for advice on the day after everything came to a head. I just explained to the person what happened. They said it was a domestic incident and they asked me to come in so I did. I spoke to an officer in uniform. I explained again what happened. She had a laptop and also recorded details. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t even know if that means I logged an incident or not. She simply called him a ‘knob’, gave me a number for the miscarriage associated and I left. I then phoned WA who explained about CC and said they were disappointed in the police response and encouraged me to go back if I felt able. I keep phoning 101 to get someone to look at things again but no one gets back to me. I’m now trying to see if I can speak to my home force and they take it up for me. I had no idea about Clare’s Law or that there were specialist teams you could speak to. I feel let down. I didn’t really know what was happening as I was in such shock.
I’ve looked at that checklist and one of the main parts of my case I suppose is coercive reproduction I suppose and I don’t see much about that. Apart from that it was the usual verbal attacks and gaslighting and psychological distress. I’m not really sure what to do tbh.
He’s a PhD student so he is studying but he has a tutorship so it’s very casual. i doubt he even has a contract. Doesn’t really matter to my mind as he’s a risk to the student community, to his undergrads and his future undergrads. He certainly should never be in a position of power. He has a social media account with his professional details outlining how he is sexually dominant and likes knowing he can hurt someone but chooses to show mercy. The man is sick really in some of the things he says. Talks about ejaculating over partners. If that’s your sexual preference that’s one thing, but would you want your daughter tutored by him? Two members of staff at my college who know about it agree it’s unacceptable. At best, he’ll get a word in his ear about taking it down. Doesn’t stop him being a risk to women and vulnerable students though, does it?
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He is not aware that I had PND and no one except my family know of my struggle when I was very young (one isolated episode of self-harm – more of a cry of distress). I also had a stress related anxiety related to work. The first two were both over a decade ago with the self-harm incident being well over. I wouldn’t want this used against me in any way. I would hope that if anyone had to access my medical records it would only be information related to the time period in question. I’ve nothing to hide, but I wouldn’t want things that had nothing to do with what’s happened to me now to impact upon any case. It does make one reconsider whether reporting to the police is worth it. I’m ‘fortunate’ in that I can use the university channels which come (very clearly) with it’s own problems but in which the burden of proof is less, being based on balance of probabilities. Plus I’m not really asking for their judgement on abuse as such (although I suppose I will have to demonstrate that I have evidence for this that could amount to a criminal case) – only that I want them to show that sexual violence is not tolerated, especially by someone who represents the university in a teaching capacity. I think this is perhaps the most compelling part of my case. If he wasn’t a tutor I don’t think I’d get far at all. I’m not even sure what I should suggest as a desirable outcome. I’m supposed to suggest something. In my view he should be expelled but then I would think that because that’s what I think he deserves, I’m pretty sure no one else would agree.
Why do so few men get convicted of DV or coercive control? Is it simply lack of evidence whatever that means? It seems such a minefield. How can anyone navigate it, especially on their own? I always thought I had strong evidence, but perhaps I don’t.
It angers me as I totally understand why women get driven back into the arms of dangerous men.
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its not enough to say your not sound off mind not at all – this is his conditioning off you talking i think. the notes are deleted on the main system after 12 years. they are in the brown note tho but again not enough theyre no going to be able to say anything against you. im not sure i think they dont get convictions or even women to come forward because we are so traumatised to do so. we need advocates at this time. at least historical crimes are acknowledged. violent sexual crime should be reported tho dont you think?
love diymum
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In dubio pro reo – all/any doubt will benefit the accused. This would be why so few get convicted. The nature of domestic abuse is often very private, so a case of he said she said would be unlikely to result in a conviction. Photos of injuries were not enough for me as evidence because it couldn’t be proven he was the one who had caused the bruises as no one saw him do it. The bar is very high but I try and remind myself that not guilty is not the same as innocent. For some the price of having a criminal conviction may mean losing their jobs and they will fight harder even if guilty, whereas for others it won’t matter if they have a criminal record if for example their jobs won’t be affected by this. The penalty for some of the crimes are ridicoulous, a common assault can be a small fine, maybe an anger management course. Coercive control is different though as it’s an indictable offence meaning it will go straight to Crown Court if charged. Common assault is a summary offence only dealt with in Magistrate’s Courts.
I had to give over my entire medical records from my English GP. I’ve lived in other countries, so he had no rights to see medical records from other countries I’ve lived in. As I understood it from the Police at the time, I had no choice but to give over my entire medical record – I couldn’t just give them access to the ones around the assault in question. I can’t tell you if that is standard procedure or not, I just went along with it as I didn’t think the depression could be used as it’s so clear to me and my ex why that happened. My ex knew I was depressed because at the time he beat me up weekly. And I guess I didn’t think he would stoop that low, thinking he professed his love for me so often, so how could he? I shouldn’t be surprised but I was. If you are thinking of Police involvement, you can always ask them. I know the Police mishandled many things for me, so perhaps it is possible to only give what is relevant.
I would think it would be up to them what happens and that they have strict by-laws or guidelines to determine such misconduct complaints and what likely outcomes there may be. I don’t think someone like him should be in a position of trust – which teaching in any capacity is, it’s an authority figure – so if you must mention a suggestion, I would say it as it is. I do find that odd though as that should be their merit to determine, not yours. Maybe suggest nothing and leave it to them to decide on the severity and what a proportionate action on their side might be and state what you would like for yourself – an apology, an acknowledgement of wrong-doing. I doubt he’d do either of those but I know I would like for my ex to stop being a coward and admit all his despicable abuse. I think a public acknowledgment from my ex would be the best kind of justice for me.
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justice can be from within – it takes a long time but the way i see it is he will never have a descent life with real emotions they are incapable (with anyone for that matter to have this) but we do and we will again that is justice because we rise above them eventually xx because we have goodness in us xx
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Gosh, I hope you still have legal recourse. It breaks my heart knowing that women are being let down like this. It’s so wrong.
I think I may be slightly ‘lucky’ as our relationship is mostly documented on text with gaps and scope for it to be twisted against me of course, but he can’t undo those angry voice messages he sent.
I agree it’s strange that they ask me to suggest an outcome. I mean it’s good in a way, but I know they won’t go with what I want so I think it’s a bit pointless. I agree he shouldn’t be teaching and I know he wants to be a (detail removed by moderator). It’s a worry frankly. He may be on his best behaviour now he knows he’s potentially jeopardised his career with this. I can understand why he won’t talk to me. I’m dangerous in his eyes. And yet all I want to do is be able to work it out as I cling to the hope that he acted this way because it was an intense situation.
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but it wasnt he could have behaved better BM he sounded very controlling. ive been in hard situations and havent behaved like that . its his choice to be abusive and he has been to you. if your guts telling you he should be sacked then thats the outcome id say you want. if you dnt try you might regret this and your protecting other women because i promise you he will do this again xx
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It’s truly worrying to picture him as (detail removed by moderator), that is a powerful position of trust with many potential vulnerable victims. I truly hope they take this matter seriously. It sounds really good to have texts and voice messages because indeed how is he going to talk himself out of those? I think that is really strong evidence and I hope the University will agree.
It was an intense situation, yes, but he created the situation. I think you need to work on letting go of the excuses you have for him, he will only let you down again. You need to remember he was abusing you before the gaslighting situation, before the miscarriage. He acted how he acted because that is how he wanted to act. He chose it. A non-abuser wouldn’t be sexually violent. Wouldn’t gaslight you. Wouldn’t send you angry voice messages. Wouldn’t ghost you. His actions are despicable and it’s what he chose. Every step of the way he chose himself with no regard for you or your well being. Intense situations do not turn us into abusers, in fact I would claim the opposite – intense situations causes us to seek comfort and support, not to abuse those closest to us. I know it’s really hard, but until you let go of that hope and let go of making excuses for him, you won’t be able to let him go either. Sometimes we have to kill all hope for them and see them as they really are in order to heal and move on xx
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Thank you, and I believe you are both absolutely right. It is a terrifying thought that he could be in such a powerful position and in spite of all my feelings for him, I know this. The evidence is there in plain sight and his behaviour even now just confirms who he is – a dangerous predator. I wish I could know more of his background for sure as that would confirm it. He’s never spoken badly of anyone – not overtly. But I do begin to wonder about this now too. More and more I am questioning and interrogating. I just wish things were different. I do want my justice and I definitely want to protect others. Thinking about vulnerable people who may be even more prone to falling for his fake persona makes me feel cold inside. I would just hate to be left wondering if he hurt someone in the way he has hurt me. There is absolutely no excuse. None at all. He doesn’t think like me. He doesn’t have feelings even towards a life he helped create which I feel is the ultimate monstrosity. I do still love him but he disgusts me too and no woman should go near him – he’s sick, sick, sick in his callousness. No compassion. No excuse. He can hide behind his Dean excuse and regret taking me up on my naive offer to work things out later.
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your getting there now BM and in time when your ready and properly strong again youll do this xx your intelligent and articulate you have compassion. you tried your hardest to do the right thing. your now realising with an abuser our best is never good enough. it wont change the fact that an abuser is what he is always, it maybe hidden under the surface at first but its always there in them xxxx
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One of the only friends I managed to keep through my relationship with my ex said to me: “You can love him and you can leave him”. Even though he was the one to end the relationship, her words made me realise that I could walk away. I didn’t have to beg anymore. It sounds like you are starting to see this, too. Seeing him for what he really is. Hold onto that, remember who he is and what he has done. The love you feel for him will lessen as you let go of the hopes of what you wanted him to be. It’s a big step towards healing – because indeed, there is absolutely no excuse xx
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Thank you. It’s only because of the ladies here that I can start thinking this way. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll be a wreck again but I do feel I’ve seen a small glimmer. All this stuff I’ve been getting through just incenses me and makes me want to fight. I’m not running away from seeking closure and justice – not just for me but because I’m genuinely sickened and appalled by the things I hear and read about how women are being let down to insidious and overt abuse. It’s so wrong and I had no idea until it also happened to me. It’s a travesty and a disease in our society.
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