21st January 2019 at 2:06 pm #71074
I’ve come to the realisation I was in an abusive relationship. It’s not over, he still controls my life and as we have kids and were married there’s lots going on.
I’m slowly coming to terms with the reality of the situation and understanding it as abuse.
But one question, what makes an abuser, why they do it and do they know, is a conscious thing? My ex always blamed depression for actions. Can it be fixed? If so how?
21st January 2019 at 5:41 pm #71095IwantmebackParticipant
If you read the book by Lundy Bancroft, why do they do that, it may help. Living with the dominater is also a very insightful book.
21st January 2019 at 7:19 pm #71102LandyParticipant
Just ready the Lundy Bancroft book. It’s really helpful.
23rd January 2019 at 7:12 pm #71210
Thanks guys, though not sure I have time for a book.
23rd January 2019 at 8:17 pm #71211maddogParticipant
Nobody knows! It is what and who they are. It could be any number of things that kicked them off. We weren’t there and they’re unlikely to take responsibility.
24th January 2019 at 8:38 pm #71263
Defo not take responsibility! Even after police conviction my ex still denies he so much as blows air in my direction lol.
Just wonder if they know what they do, or mental thing can’t help.
25th January 2019 at 10:02 pm #71333EbonyRavenParticipant
I used to wonder a similar thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that he doesn’t get up in the morning thinking “Today I’ll pretend I didn’t say (whatever the thing is), and I’ll accuse her of cheating out of the blue. Then I’ll criticize her dress sense and complain that the whole world is stupid and out to get me, and that’s her fault and she must be punished for it……
I think he gets up, loathes himself, or feels the need for some validation or power play, looks for someone to offload that onto, and we’re there, nice and easy for him to victimise and bully to make himself feel better.
26th January 2019 at 4:46 pm #71361FlowerchildParticipant
You will find the Bancroft book un-put-down-able, I guarantee, J!
But after all, does it really matter WHY he does what he does? You don’t have to know why before you decide you don’t want any more of it, do you? Even if someone could explain exactly why he says and does abusive things, it wouldn’t mean you had to put up with it.
His problems are not of your making; you are not qualified to fix them and you are under no obligation to try.
If you don’t like it, there’s nothing more you need to understand, really. Why not forget trying to work him out and focus on yourself instead? What do you want from your life? What makes you happy? What plans will you make for your future?
You don’t need anyone else’s permission or approval to start over, do you?
26th January 2019 at 7:15 pm #71365
Not for me flower but for my kids. I’m out of it, I have my future planned- divorcing him etc and so on.
but what’s it mean for kids is why I ask. Why he do it, can he be fixed or stop it, is it forever. He fighting to see kids and I want him to seek help, he claims no issues and refuses. Trying understand if he knows what he done and doing , why did it and if can be fixed for sake kids.
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