• This topic has 17 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Doris.
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    • #72505
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi
      I cant seem to wrap my head around thus one.. Why do they mirror. I know for a fact with a lot evidence my ex mirrored me also one of his exs.
      I did not realise this till I left the relationship and read up on n*******m.

      I know now he had a mental illness. I do too but no way was I abusive to him
      Anyway just thought I would have a vent

    • #72506
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      My ex does this. It’s Just a deflection technique. All about not wanting to admit responsibility for what they’ve done.

      • #73846
        InHope
        Participant

        My ex mirrored what I’d put in texts, it was weird.
        It wasn’t until a police officer said to me how some people delete certain texts and go to court playing the innocent, then of course records show the truth and then they’re exposed. Never really thought about it before, I’m just too hopeful for normality with him! (Never gonna happen)…

    • #72507
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      I cant believe I fell for his games tbh. Put blame on me etc for what he dud.. Evil.man

    • #72523
      brandnewme
      Participant

      my ex even parrots the language back , so i if talk about taking responsibility , not being childish etc he will then use this back on me in a different contxt (detail removed by Moderator)

    • #72526
      diymum@1
      Participant

      any thing to shirk out of taking responsibility – its because they think its their right to behave like that! n*********s also see people as an extension of themselves – im not sure if n********m is classed as a mental illness- i think it should be xx luv diy

    • #72546
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      It’s a personality disorder. However there is massive debate amongst the medical community as to whether the terms personality disorder and mental illness are interchangeable.

      Suffice to say. We still don’t deserve to be treated that way, what ever the term is, and whether it stems from environmental factors or internal ones. Whether it is a mind, or a brain issue, it isn’t an excuse to abuse.

      The copying is part of how they maintain the confusion in you, the cognitive dissonance.

    • #72548
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I think it’s because they have zero identity so they steal yours, they basically want to be you, if they could they would probably possess you by going into your body and live your life. But of course they can’t so they mirror your identity and steal your existence away from you.
      That’s what my ex did to me anyway.

    • #72552
      KIP.
      Participant

      I agree with HopeLifejoy. They are empty inside. My ex took on the hobbies I enjoyed. Started getting close to my family. I reported him to the police. He did me. I reported him to the tax man. He did me. I reported him for sexual abuse. He did me. They are so predictable if you just take a step back and listen. There are some fabulous YouTube videos. (detail removed by Moderator)

    • #72563
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Thanks for your replys. I told police all this about him mirroring my social media including photos of me and grandkids .. also his ex … Ooo the games they play

    • #72570
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      The mirroring thing is actually a weakness of theirs if you think about it. Imagine if you play chess and they mirror every move you make. You can think ahead and calculate a strategic plan and count on their mirroring to make them move their own pieces where you want them to, you are able to check mate them within few moves. Interesting though init…

    • #72595
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I would say my ex was on the narcissitic scale – that I have experiecned naricissistic abuse. We all have these n**********c traits, only most of us grow, understand there are others in the world to consider and develop emotional intelligence / gain control over our thoughts and emotions. To deal with a N is like dealing with an unreasonable and out of control child that is reacting from his/her emotions.

      Someone may score low – moderate or severe in n********m – mod to severe could be an indicator this person may have a personality disorder – no one likes to own the label I have a personality disorder, so the pc and accepted terms nowadays are ‘a severe mental health problem’ or a cluster A, B or C personality type – depending on which group of traits a person has.

      I would say that if a person meets the criteria for a n**********c personality disorder (NPD), it could also be termed as a ‘learning difficulty’, because neuroscience can now show us that the part of the brain to process emotions is much smaller in people with NPD than the average person – the person with a NPD has a very limited capacity for learning – meaning change is not likely, there is some capacity for growth, but as we all know, a person needs to acknowldege the problem and ask for help in order for this to happen, so most of those with NPD rarely if ever make it into therapy as it is always someone else’s fault.

      People with the N traits don’t have empathy, the N knows it is wrong to be unfeeling towards others – especially when interacting with a partner, therefore he/she mirrors your empathy, your feelings, apears to agree. This keeps their true often vile and childish thoughts hidden.

      Agreeing and mirroring is also a form of control – it prevents intimate, truthful discussions taking place – it passifies others, and it is employed to avoid taking personal responsibilty as the above have also noticed xx

    • #72613
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Thank you all for your contribution to this topic. The reason this forum removes the word ‘N********m’ is because we believe that discussion of it can cause confusion for survivors of domestic abuse.

      Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control.

      Many survivors can believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality). Sometimes believing this can be slightly easier to stomach than the thought that they are consciously choosing to be abusive.

      While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.

      Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. However as Borntobefree says in her initial post, there are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.

      If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner.
      It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour. If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.

      Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.

      In relation to this topic, I would suggest that ‘mirroring’ is a tactic that an abuser knowingly uses to gain and retain power and control.

      Please do ask if you have any questions about this,

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

    • #72619
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi lisa
      I have a mental illness that was used against me! No way would I abuse. So many changes need to be made.
      He makes me feel sick he got away with his actions.. I just feel so upset by this

      • #72633
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi borntobefree,

        Thanks for your reply. Yes, abusers will often use a woman’s mental health against them, another way in which they can be deliberately manipulative. But as you say, your mental health would in no way cause you to be abusive. Which is why Women’s Aid believe it’s incorrect to suggest that a personality disorder causes someone to abuse another person.

        I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment, it’s awful when you feel there has been no justice. However try to remember that you know the truth, as do we, and others around you I’m sure. Your recovery is going to have ups and downs. Perhaps some counselling would be helpful for you to process your feelings? I hope you feel in a better place again soon.

        Kind Regards and keep posting,

        Lisa

      • #73845
        InHope
        Participant

        That is a really interesting point. Thank you Lisa. Searched for N and found this and I’m glad I did, makes so much sense. Fed up of excusing the OH, I do it even now.

    • #73897
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I’ve never been one for labelling people, there’s enough of that in society without me adding to it. But I nearly got sucked into believing my oh was an N. I believe he had traits of but isn’t one. That can only come from a professional diagnosis and as we all know many many abusers will never admit to a professional what they are, unless it suits their agenda, which is to be abusive.
      It’s so much easier to accept that the person we loved has a problem, because accepting they are deliberately abusive is so abhorrent, we can’t accept that.
      But we are getting there, there have been changes in law and to the law, once society begins to see and stops victim blaming, that’s when change will happen.
      As always Lisa, thank you and to the other ladies who started this forum, who started women’s aid. Without it we would still be wandering in the sea of despair.

      IWMB 💕💕

    • #73898
      Doris
      Participant

      Hi, my own conclusion is that my husband will often use mirroring as a tactic because he really has no empathy – he really cannot think beyond himself. Now that I am a bit more savvy with what is really going on here I can see that he actually runs scenarios past me to get my take on it. Scenarios when he has been cutting and sarcastic towards others or even abusive to employees. When I say ‘you cannot talk to people like that’ or ‘might be better to use please and thank you’ or ‘that was a bit hurtful’ he will often apologise to them being the big guy or change tactics with them. If he cares that is. If he doesn’t then he just laughs. When he turns my own words against me – usually twisted – then I know that he must have found them a bit near to the truth so I was on the right path. X

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