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He hurts me and upsets me with the way he treats me and then he blames me for it. I keep trying to make him realise but all he does is hurt me with his words then blame me like it’s my fault. Yes I made mistakes in the past as I got with someone else when I broke up with him and now he’s saying he will go do the same. I felt I turned to someone else because I was hurting and now I feel he just wants to get me back. I seem to have forgotten what a normal relationship is.
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Hi Anon,
He sounds exactly like my ex, it is a sign of an abuser to hurt you then twist things round to somehow make themselves look like the victim. It’s also a sign when they use something you did before and bring it up as a weapon to hurt you and guilt trip you, my ex saved up something that happened right at the start of the relationship to make out I was this bad person and he was this saintly person and that apparently everything was my fault. They all do it, they have no empathy and are liars, incapable of love and only wanting control over another.
Can you ring the helpline? They were great when I called and helped me to understand what was happening when I was incredibly confused. Leave a voicemail for them to call you back if you can’t get through. Also try ringing your local domestic abuse team who are often easier to get through to. He won’t change, abuse always escalates but there is a good life after abuse and these ladies on the helplines can help you create a plan of action. It hurts terribly at first but it does get better with time.
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Hi i am new and oh my days seeing what you have a wrote i can relate he blames me for everything the things he does is my fault the arguments i have hit rock bottom an i just cant see away out you see things have been going on for a long timean not so long ago i found out he is an addict my life is in turmoil he has emotional wrecked me he smashed things up.. Financial ruined me i have nothing i have lost job because of him but it’s all my fault
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I’m struggling with the blame thing too. He didn’t get promoted and it was my fault because I made him depressed whilst he was at work. He couldn’t come to bed because I got to hot in the night and that made him ill. He got into debt which was my fault because he was spending his money on me (which I never saw). He had an affair and it was my fault because I didn’t love him enough. He raped me and it was my fault because he had needs that I wasn’t satisfying. He broke his foot and that was my fault because I asked him to hoover (I wasn’t even at home). The list is endless but I’m doing the freedom project and so many things he used to say are in this book. It is like the book has been written just about him. I’m starting to get over the feeling guilty for all the ways I apparently ruined his life but now I’m starting to feel shame for letting him blame me in the first place
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The Freedom Programme is brilliant, isn’t it! I was blamed by my husband for my daughter’s assault on me. He then blamed me for his starting divorce proceedings. Throughout he has blamed me for anything and everything that goes wrong for him. He has blamed me too for his sexual behaviour. I have never had a compliment for something going well, like the sun coming out after it has been raining, or the car starting. If we had that much power, we’d be up there with god, or whoever.
I feel ashamed that I didn’t know what to do sooner. The alarm bells have been ringing from early on in the relationship.
The trouble is, that in the beginning, when love is blind, we dismiss these things. Then it’s a gentle heat. Then when we pull them up, they lower the heat, then they bang it up again.
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