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    • #64438
      lost
      Participant

      Im at the point now where he knows im going. We talk about it with varying degrees of absurdity. One day hell be heartbroken because its taring our family apart…but its still my fault because i cheated (i have never even thought about cheating..ever)
      The next day hes spittling bile… he rips my life apart telling me what i feel and think. Im not allowed my own thoughts and anything i say must have been put there by someone else. Its like hes demonised me to the point that im just this immoral harlett who hates her kids and is abusive to them and him. When hes like this i have to leave the room. But he follows me. (removed by moderator)
      All i want to do is sit down and say ok we will split our time with the kids like this. But he just skews everything i say or do. I literally cannot have a civil conversation with him. Well i can manage fine but he just cant.
      And i could fix it all….if only i would tell him who ive cheated with! Ive at times just thought about making something up. Just to stop him asking. Ive thought about taking a lie detector test. How crazy is this. I dont want to be here but i dont want him to belive things of me that are not true. And i really dont want my kids to think that. Its like he woke up one morning and just thought to himself i need a hobby ill accuse her of infedelity..no cause..no evidence…just make it all up.
      I just dont get it. I just dont understand. Why make that up. And does he really belive it?
      Im terrified to go but i know i will. Im terrified of being painted as the scarlett woman. But im mostly terroified of loosing my children. I genuinly belive he could win custordy if he chose to. He is so belivable in the things he says about me that even i doubt myself at times. Is that crazy?
      The thought of loosing my children is stopping me going the fast route through a refuge etc. But it wont stop me going the long route.
      I know i cant ever get back together with him. I cant forgive because it will never change. The goal post will shift and id be back where i started. Everyone has a line and mine was being called a cheating s**g repeatedly for weeks. Which makes me depressed about how much i put up with before this occured…
      But im so so scared im going to loose my children. I would never do that to him. But he would.
      Im getting a plan together.
      I know your all going to say just leave now. But if i do hell play nasty and willl ruin my life ive no doubt. I just know in my heart ill loose my son to him. Theres so many people on here who have.
      Sorry for the novella. I start writing and i cant stop…Xx

    • #64439
      KIP.
      Participant

      He doesn’t believe you cheated. He believes by saying you did he can destroy you. They know our weaknesses and go straight for them. Please keep a journal of all this behaviour and any evidence you can. I even recorded an assault. Speak to your GP about his behaviour. This is how it went with my ex before his final violent assault. There is never a good time to leave an abuser. The longer you stay the harder it is. At least you know what you are up against. Learn from others on here how to keep your children safe. There is lots of help out there. My ex threatened for years to take my son. its another means of control. He’s playing nasty just now and ruining your life. Get all your ducks in a row and leave safely. There’s nothing safe about your home at the moment for you or your children x your children also learn from his behaviour. It’s a lot easier to parent on your own. To set boundaries and teach them that abuse is never acceptable. Either as a perpetrator or a victim x

    • #64441
      dustypink
      Participant

      They are psychopaths, google it and you’ll find what it means. There are a lot of good articles.

      The twenty traits on the Hare Psychopathy checklist are:
      pathological lying
      glib and superficial charm
      grandiose sense of self
      need for stimulation
      cunning and manipulative
      lack of remorse or guilt
      shallow emotional response
      callousness and lack of empathy
      parasitic lifestyle
      poor behavioral controls
      sexual promiscuity
      early behavior problems
      lack of realistic long-term goals
      impulsivity
      irresponsibility
      failure to accept responsibility
      many short-term marital relationships
      juvenile delinquency
      revocation of conditional release
      criminal versatility

      The most important thing – they NEVER change.
      Their purpose is – to destroy our human dignity.
      They cannot love, their brain is different, they cannot empathize, they are just not able to.
      You will never understand him because he is different, he thinks and feels in a different way. My biggest mistake was that I thought he feels the same as me, I was denying the reality. It was too awful to accept what kind of person he is.

    • #64445
      lost
      Participant

      I know your right and i know he wont change. Its definately right about the lack of empathy ive seen that through our whole relationship. And no remorse. For anything ever. Hes sorry for the consequences but never for the deed. Because he is ALWAYS justified and ALWAYS right.
      I just dont know which way hell go. I can belive equally that hell destroy me or let me go quietly.
      I know it sounds like im still letting him pull my strings which i am. But im having such a difficult time with my son it terrifies me to loose him and if i do it wrong hell stay with his dad. The other day my son chastised me when i was explaining why he shouldnt hit.  (detail removed by moderator) But he said it in a direct mimic of his dad. Im slowly learning how to deal with this child rather than my beautiful boy that was here a few months ago…i keep bringing him back to me only for another reinforcement from his dad that mummy is mean and useless.
      I know it would be better to go now. But i wont go without my son. Never. Id stay forever like this rather than leave him.
      I just need to keep saving and keep planning and keep loving them. I record everything in my diary but also post on here because ive a feeling it will one day go missing…ive been to the gp. But got scared of their reaction so told them everything was ok now…
      I feel stupid writing this. But some of you will know what its like facing loosing your children. If i could fight i would…but that wont help me and my son. I have to wait it out and let he thinks hes made the decisio. To split. Im getting those ducks lined up. Slowly slowly.
      Please please dont let me be making the wrong choice. My heart and head is screaming to go but my love for my son is keeping me here.
      Thankyou all for listening again…

      • #65390
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Hi lost, it took me a few visits to the dr b4 i confided in her. Baby steps sweetheartđź’•đź’•đź’•

    • #64462
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      Dear Lost, However tempting it might seem to get him off your case, please don’t give him a false confession; it may escalate the abuse and make things even worse. He really wants to believe the worst though he knows it’s untrue. This is ultimately his problem, not yours. Try not to engage when he gets like this. Easier said than done, I know. Try for a very plain, short response in a flat voice and repeat as necessary, never varying the tone or pace of your delivery. Perhaps something like, ‘I know that’s what you think, but there’s no truth in it.’ for the accusations of cheating, and something like, ‘I hear what you’re saying,’ for any other rants? That means he’s having to put all the energy into these encounters and you are conserving yours and can minimise the amount he is able to wind you up and stress you out. It’s sort of not talking by talking! He won’t like it, but if you won’t engage further he will eventually lose interest in trying to torture you that way. Watch out for what he might do instead, though, darling. Keep us posted, there’s always someone to listen. Flower x

    • #64463
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Lost

      He believes you cheat with anyone you make a passing comment to, he believes you are shagging in the aisles of your local shop.

      It’s because he doesn’t have the capacity for love, understanding,belief in fellow human,or trust. He doesn’t understand these things. They are the demons in his life, in his mind, they are HIS demins, not yours, and the love-bombing is just the opposite version of coercion,to keep you there.

      I believe you are giving him information that is yours only. You can never appease himor hve a reasoned convo. There simply is no reasoning with the unreasonable.

      So sorry he kees drawing you in this way, it really is torture,and endless

      ..he follows you.. Yes, same, and its vile to not be able to get away! I got real issues with that and getting trapped in rooms with him never stopping.

      Don’t feed him, anything and everything you say is food for him to feast on, to twist and comfort.

      It’s not about you and never has been,its about him only.
      Keep strong there, warmest wishes ts

    • #64464
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s using you child against you already. That’s child abuse. Emotional abuse. Mummy is useless etc. It’s brainwashing. While you’re with him you will tread on eggshells. Anything to keep the peace. When you’re free you can parent anyway you choose. Reinforce boundaries and won’t have his voice in the background emotionally abusing. I was terrified to stay too but your child is obviously learning behaviour from an abuser. Can you go into a refuge until you are stronger. We are stuck in a FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. Our headspace is all taken up trying to survive leaving little room for rational thought. That’s what abuse does. Lean on women’s aid and agencies that can help you deal with him because you won’t do it alone. You don’t need to wait for an excuse to leave. That door is always open for you x

    • #64466
      lost
      Participant

      Thank you. I am trying. And its hard. I bite my tounge and sometimes even have to leave the house to just breath. I wont make a false confession…it sound stupid now.. but sometimes it all gets to me and i grasp at straws…
      The most infuriating thing about him is his flits between amicable. To hostile. To indifferent. I never know which one hell be. I just wish i could have a normal conversation like an adult. Sometimes hell just be totally reasonable and i think…ok weve made a breakthrough…this lasts about 15 seconds and were back to the accusations.
      Im going to try the short responses. I never get angry any more. Im seeting on the inside but i stay calm so he cant say im shouting….but i do engage with him too much.
      How did i not know he was like this. I can see signs right back at thd start. I just loved him so much they were not enough to leave him.
      The main thing i know is i want out. I think until very recently i was still lookkng for a fix. But now i want to be away. Thats got to be something.
      Ill keep posting as it really really helps. Both writing and reading replies. And reading other stories.

      Xxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #64489
      Shipoffools
      Participant

      Hi lost,

      Gosh reading your posts, especially your first one reminds me very much of my own experience in the last few weeks of my DV relationship, after I’d told my ex our marriage was over (I’d found him in bed with another woman!)…I managed a couple of weeks of these ‘talks’ you mention above…from nice to nasty to indifferent and round again…he also accused me of being unfaithful too…said he’d found a stain in our bed that proved it!! (Complete madness)

      It was a very crazy couple of weeks, at the same time I was TRYING to do my job at work each day, looking after the children before and after school and run the house…luckily for me my brother rang me at work and said you’ve got to get out of there pack a bag, pick the children up from school and leave….so I did….

      My heart goes out to you….the sooner you leave the better for you’re mental health…..xx

    • #65393
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      It’s great yu are planing to get out. Make sure above all that you are safe.

      Yes do keep posting and working through your thoughts and feelings. Were all here to help! Warmest wishes ts

    • #65783
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      It’s himself he hates, really. Anyone who bangs on about cheating so much is probably cheating themselves. When he rants, listen carefully, because it’s actually a confession! It’s called projection. Every accusation that spews out is what he’s up to himself.

      This man could probably only change with years of psychiatric support and you don’t need to stick around waiting to see if he wants to do that.

      The switcheroo thing is to keep you permanently off-balance so you can’t think straight for long enough to plan your exit..

      Flower x

      • #66043
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Hi Flowerchild, my husband is always accusing of seeing other people, having sex with them cos he’s not getting it. He knows im not, i dont go anywhere for a start. Obviously something happened way back in their childhood, and this distrust follows them around forever.plus its just another stick to beat us with. I no longer bite the bait. I just switch off most of the time, but the knot of anxiety is excruciating

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