Why does it take so long?

[fizzylem]

My body and mind still feel battered and broken; it’s been years since I kicked him out, although only (detail removed by moderator) since no contact – I foolishly thought I needed to keep the line of communication open for our daughter.

It feels like I can’t do anything, feels like I am kidding myself some days that things will be better than ok one day. We live in the same neighbourhood and I plan to move a long way away, to start again, I’m hoping that it will be too difficult for him to keep up contact with our daughter – and that he will give up. Half of me thinks that may be a possibility as he wants me far far away so I never come into contact with his new woman. Yes, this is his number one priority above anything else, how sad for our daughter hey. I think he will let us go though, so maybe its not such a bad thing, and when we go he can use what Ive done to make folk feel sorry for him again – ‘she took my daughter away from me’, I doubt anyone will question why he doesn’t do anything about that if he feels so strongly hey.

I’m done with this man, have been for years now, but what I dont understand is why I can’t just simply move forwards? Why do my feet feel like they are stuck in treacle? Why can I not let go of the anger of feeling duped? The anger for all the hurt and pain he has caused us? I can see I have wasted years trying to defend myself. I don’t understand why body and mind dont work anymore, why recovery is such a long, and slow process?

Feel the need to live by the sea, to take long walks across the beach and breath in the sea air – feel that only when I have achieved this – when we are hundreds of miles away from him, this, my abusive mother, only then will we be free – am I delusional? Or maybe this is just my way of feeling some hope.

[Anonymous]

I am not in your position as he is still here but I am not sure there is ever a free when you are tied to someone via family relationships unless like you say he gives up and walks away from your daughter which is a possibility if you move away. Either way I think it must take a long time to get away from the thinking you had while you were with them. People on here get their lives back and they move on and you can do that too, possibly after giving yourself enough time to process everything and feel better in yourself.

Keep moving those feet eventually they will get free, the treacle will be not so sticky with a bit of work x

[fizzylem]

Thankyou for your kind words Imagine. Hope you get out soon. If it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t, be brave,take the leap of faith, although it’s hard on the other side – it is nowhere near as dreadful as the daily stress and angst when staying x

[Nova]

Hi Fizzylem,

Your feet are moving! Your freeing your mind and thoughts…that’s the key!
The body follows to the seaside for long walks and a change!…that’s sounds so positive.

As you say a move would be positive for you and your daughter, and a new life new friends and surroundings, you will make those decisions when the time is right for you and your family.

sometimes small things can make a big shift and re inspire our thoughts, a change of location a chat a new group of friends to connect with a swim! (that’s my therapy anyway LOL cheap & cheerful!)etc…any chance you can take yourself to a seaside for that much needed breath of fresh air & walk…your future is ahead of you waiting!

c x
hugs

[White Rose]

Maybe it never goes away fully but we get better at dealing with it?
When I left and found a place to rent, someone I met near my new place got talking to me eventually I opened up to her. She told me she’d left her abusive husband about 20 years previously but recounted his behaviour as if it was yesterday. What was different though was she described it as fact, no emotion, no upset, no anger just acceptance of something she’d been through. She’d had a son with him but the ties weakened over time between father and son. She’d had no conact throughout that time and swore this was a factor in her strength. I don’t think “no contact” was invented then! She’d not had much support just police and friends and had moved miles from her old home and started again.
I’d love to forget it all but I can’t at the moment it keeps rearing it’s ugly head plus I see reminders of him daily in our child – there’s an uncanny resemblance in appearance despite people saying she’s like me. So I’m hoping one day I’ll be like the lady I met that I’ll have her calm and accepting manner and the anger I feel will be a thing of the past.

[fizzylem]

That would be good hey WR. I want that too. A memory, a small chapter from the past – that I could live with. Took my kids hiking over the last few days, being away in a new place to explore really helps, feeds the soul and I only thought of him when my daughter brought him up – that is a big difference to me. I’m so ready to move away Cuppa, but it takes time hey. I will go, don’t know when, but if I keep chipping away it will happen one day wont it – and that will be a great day! Thanks for your words ladies x

[mixed-up mum]

I feel just the same – you have taken the word right out of my mouth.

Chat again – too late tonight.

x*x

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