Why does she keep doing this?

[Goldenrainbow]

Hello, so I’ve talked about this before but its come up again and I’m so upset.

A (detail removed by moderator) a relative of mine added my abuser on social I got really upset about this because I work so hard to keep my life private and my childs life private to keep us safe and she was talking about my child to him and I was very close to cutting her out of my life because I really just want to keep me and my child safe. There was a massive argument and she promised not to speak to him again (she’s knows about everything he did and even witnessed things too)

Then today I found out she’s met up with him very recently and (detail removed by moderator) and discussed my child/me with him again and now I’m ready to cut her off because it’s too much of a risk and it causes me so much stress. My family all agree how wrong it is that she’s done it but don’t think I should cut her off completely for my families sake but I’ve had enough.

[Camel]

This relative is under your ex’s spell. He’s charmed and manipulated her. They do this whenever they can and they’re good at it.

You can’t change what she does, only what you do. Unfriend her on social media so your ex doesn’t have a way into your life. This isn’t cutting her off but simply following up your statements to her with clear actions.

Do what is right for you, not what’s right for the rest of the family.

[KIP.]

I had to cut people out of my life for my own sanity and safety. Camel is right, whatever her reasons it’s not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to you and your child. This is where you find out who will support you and who won’t. She made her choice. Cut her out. Tell your family not to share anything public about you. Tighten all your security on any social media. I think I previously said for you to come off all social media in the meantime. Anything to do with him will be very triggering but you won’t always feel this way. Not only is she betraying your trust but she’s lying to you too. You can’t sit on the fence with domestic abuse. You need to take a side and she’s chosen hers. She will find out exactly what he’s like in time.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she has been caught up in his BS and has become hooked by his BS. If that’s her modus operandi its best to leave her to it and move on.

When we leave an abusive relationship with an abuser, we also sometimes have to leave others who show us they are not aligned with us. This comes as very hard and unexpected, but it’s part and parcel of leaving that defunct life behind. It hurts and it feels cruel and unfair, but sometimes the medicine we take to make us better doesn’t always taste good.

I’ve lost people I considered close in the turmoil of the abusive relationship and afterwards. At the time, I was so hurt but I look back now and I realise that if they didn’t want to be there for me in the toughest of times, they’ve actually done me the biggest favour and shown me who they really are. As hard as it feels, understand that she is showing you who she really is… you don’t like it, that’s ok, it just means the road you once travelled together has come to its end. You will go one way and she the other.

[Author]

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