- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
Supporteachother.
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7th November 2022 at 5:30 pm #151551
Supporteachother
ParticipantHello all,
I know I’ve been here before and I’m really trying to make things work. I feel like I date 2 completely different people. I have one who is so perfect, the best of men, someone who can do no wrong and then the second is the most heartbreaking person, blames everything on me. Even if I agree with something he says such as “we can’t afford this right now can we?” And I reply with “no probably not the right time” he completely loses his temper, says horrible and unkind things to me, blames me and tells me I should leave him if I think he’s hard work.
He’s so angry when he becomes this person and I’m no angel either but all I can liken it to now is a caged animal, it’s only going to be poked at so many times before it bites back.
I’m blamed for so many things, things that really are so insignificant. I don’t move close enough on the sofa, I don’t reply straight away if I’m thinking about something etc
He says things like: “You need to tell me when I do something to upset you” and if I reply with “why should I have to tell you when you’re disrespectful? You should know how to behave?” I get the same response of “It’s your fault that you feel like that”
It just keeps getting worse and worse and nothing changes. He says I’ve made him feel worthless because I’ve told him he is horrible when he’s treated me. But that’s exactly how he makes me feel too. I shouldn’t have to justify getting cross and angry when he has picked away and being nasty to me for months and monthsEverything is someone else’s fault, refuses to accept responsibility for his actions, even when other people tell him he behaves in the complete wrong way.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this all down again. I know what position I’m in, I guess I’m just looking for some friendly words
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7th November 2022 at 10:25 pm #151564
Bananaboat
ParticipantSorry you’re living this. Why does he blame you? Two key reasons are 1) they can never accept any fault with themselves and 2) it dampens your spirit, you change your behaviour, you become more compliant to his needs.
We all do it, we cling to that nice version and use it to excuse the horrible side, but that nice version is the fake one, the mask they put on to win us over and keep us hooked. If you haven’t read it yet then I’d recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ X
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15th November 2022 at 9:45 pm #151818
Supporteachother
ParticipantThank you, I’ll be sure to read it.
I think the compliance is a huge factor. I don’t always feel like myself anymore. I used to be quite “bubbly” and fiesty. I could stand up for myself in lots of situations and now I think because of this I’m so frightened of an argument or being anxious or feeling like I’ve let anyone down I just agree with the most unreasonable things. Even things with my family and friendships is starting to be affected now too.
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it
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8th November 2022 at 9:17 pm #151603
terribleheadspace
ParticipantAnother thing to look at is trauma bonding and reactive abuse. It may help to navigate your feelings.
I get things ‘wrong’ also a lot.
I get things wrong that were right just a few months ago, to the point it’s illogical what the person is saying to me. I think but hang on last time you said this, or you liked this. Now when I do it it’s wrong.The point I think to try to remember is it’s not about you getting things right, you are not dealing with a normal relationship dynamic, the point is…. why is everything you do no matter how hard you try not good enough. Why are your opinions spun to make you feel like you are attacking someone when all you are doing is sharing an opinion, why cant you sit where you like on a sofa, why cant you have the freedom to just think for a moment without repercussions. Thats the thing I’m learning, the abuse isnt about me getting things right, it’s that no matter what you do or dont do, they will find a way to blame you, to chip away at your sense of self and make you doubt your reality.
How can he be controlling when he can be such a nice guy. How can he be abusive if he is SOMETIMES so loving and such a gentleman. The truth is…. what I am trying to get my head around also is that someone cannot be abusive and loving at the same time… it’s impossible. Control is not love, abuse is not love, how can you love someone you want to break down. So one of the people I am in a relationship is fake. Deep down I know which one it is, even though my emotions try to tell me otherwise. I’ve had noone talk to me like this person has ever…. ever. Yours sounds similar to mine.-
15th November 2022 at 9:47 pm #151819
Supporteachother
ParticipantThank you for your advice.
I do question everything and it’s exhausting. I feel like I could have written your reply myself. I will have a look into what you have said.
Sending lots of strength to you too, I hope our situations can get better
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