Why is it so hard

[Averagegirl01]

I know I’m new to this and have only just left my abuser but why does it feel like I could literally cry and beg for him
To come back 🙁

[Grey Rock]

Maybe trauma bonds. I definitely had these but only recently learned about them . There are lots of good YouTube videos explaining about these. If you can maintain no contact it will get easier.

GR

[Averagegirl01]

How did you get rid

[Grey Rock]

Rid of that feeling of wanting to reach out?

Well, spending time with family and close trusted friends helped when that was possible.

Mostly just educating myself about abusers and the things they do to control. Once I’d recognized what he was properly it was easier to stay away. Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans were my main YouTube watches. I took notes too lol.

I had to treat him a bit like an addiction to be beaten in a way. I just know that I need to stay as far away from him as possible because he’s so good at getting me believing his lies and feeling scared of upsetting him, like it’s my job to sort his life out for him and guilty for taking my life back. So I keep no contact and if he contacts me I am grey Rock. I do not react or respond.

I did need to change numbers and passwords and avoid social media for a while.

GR

[Eyesopening]

Its so hard. I just discovered Melanie Tonia Evans, I also really like Dr Denise Dart, and Vivian Mcgrath’s videos on YouTube.
I am struggling to stay away. I think as I learn and hear more from
Others that this is perfectly normal, it makes me feel better. I have to keep re-reading my diary and posts on here…to realize the truth .. theres trauma bond, cognitive dissonance, manipulation, abuse amnesia, so many things we have to overcome, thats why its so hard. But it’s normal..
Stay strong xx

[Averagegirl01]

Always here if you need a chat. We are stronger then this and will hopefully find someone in the future who makes us feel worthy x

[ISOPeace]

I somehow managed to mostly break the trauma bond before I left, so I’ve been lucky to not experience that huge pull to go back. I must have googled ‘how to break a trauma bond’ so many times. Zero contact was the most common thing that came up.

A useful piece of advice I read before leaving was to focus on me rather than him. Abusers want all our focus to be on their needs rather than our own. They want us to believe that we need them to survive. The less we focus on them, the less control they have over us. Zero contact makes it a lot easier to not focus on them. Actively focussing on looking after ourselves is really important to teach ourselves that our needs matter, that we can look after ourselves and to relearn what our own wants and needs are.

I was saying to someone earlier that abuse makes us feel like we’ve lost part of ourselves and our abusers convince us that they’re the only ones who can fill that gap. But the reality is that they created the gap and the longer we stay with them, the bigger they will make the gap, until we’re just a shell. I read somewhere that if you leave/stay away you will lose him. But if you don’t, you will lose yourself. Sending lots of love xxxx

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