Why is this so hard

[marmaladechamp]

I’m not sure where to start when writing this. To everyone on the outside my partner is this caring, kind person who will do anything for his loved ones. He’s the one who posts all heartfelt posts on social media about me. To the outside I suspect people would think he is the perfect partner. However I often wonder if the person I know and the person they see are two very different people.

We’ve been in a relationship for just (detail removed by moderator) and are due to get married (detail removed by moderator) next year. He proposed after about (detail removed by moderator) of being together. We moved in together in a few months because I was looking to move out of my (detail removed by moderator) and he wanted to get away from his mum’s before their relationship broke down. I said yes because I loved him.

From the very early stages we had our issues. I was battling some mental health demons, as was he and we were both going out and getting drunk and having these huge explosive arguments afterwards. Neither of us were perfect.

His temper controlled him and he was paranoid about everything. He made me feel guilty for for meeting up with friends because it meant that he had nothing to do for the day. He didn’t trust people and thought they were out to get him or hurt him. He keeps knives beside the bed just in case someone tries to attack him in the middle of the night so he can defend himself. He would interrogate me about my previous relationships with guys and past dating. he made me download my entire (detail removed by moderator) archive to prove that I wasn’t messaging another guy when we first got together. He used to self harm and I would get messages off him saying he didn’t know how he could carry on anymore. Before we moved in together I was constantly having to go and stay with him at his mums house even though I had my own place because he would just refuse to see me if not. Complained that he didn’t like my house, hated my housemates and was particularly annoyed if I told him I was speaking to the guys who lived in the house. He would argue with me for hours on end over something trivial to a point where he’d be exhausted and mid-argument would just say i’m going to sleep and that was it. That was just in the first few months.

Some things have changed since then and he admits his behaviour was wrong. His temper is always on the sidelines waiting to be called upon though. Most recently he discovered (detail removed by moderator) (he blamed me even though I had just washed it) and became so enraged at me. He slams doors repeatedly, punches walls, kicked things over etc. He also flung the (detail removed by moderator) at me whilst screaming and telling me how he can’t believe how stupid I am. Then he said that I make him feel like he wants to strangle me.

When he gets like this I retreat because I get so scared of him. I start to shake, my heart races and I can’t think straight because I can’t give him a proper response. Everything becomes hazy.

I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened, how many holes or dents he’s put in the wall/fridge/door etc when enragd. I’ve started writing down his insults and I recorded him (detail removed by moderator)

I know what I need to do but I am so scared of him. I feel broken. I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore or flinch when he walks in the room or touches me. Since this realisation everything has changed inside me and I just want to be free. I’ve contacted Women’s Aid and they have given me an appointment on the (detail removed by moderator)  (the earliest one they had due to a staff member on annual leave). I think I need to go before this and I am planning my escape.

It’s so hard and I’m all over the place. He can be so lovely and kind but more often than not he isn’t.

Thanks for listening, I feel the more I talk about it all the more I understand it.

x

[BeautyMarked]

You do absolutely need to get out and I’m glad you have realised this now. This man is an absolute danger.

Is that your local women’s centre that set that date? Perhaps try phoning again to ask them to signpost you to other organisations who can help. Have you contacted the police or a GP? They may be able to advise. You have plenty of evidence by the sounds of it for police to get involved.

These people look good on the outside, they have to. I’m so glad you are getting out and see you definitely need to get out sooner rather than later. I don’t want to advise the wrong thing but I would perhaps try phoning again and explain how desperate your situation is and look for how to leave in the safest way you can x

[marmaladechamp]

Hi Beauty Marked,

Thank you for replying. I feel like the enormous mountain of pain is slowly chipping away each time I open up about it. There is so much to process.

I rang today and they have moved some things around so I can meet someone next week. I spoke to them on the phone and outlined my situation and they have put a DV marking on our address just in case I do need the police.

I am an emotional wreck at the minute. He has been so sweet for the past 2 days and we have a day out with his brother and sister in law on Friday as well as a family event on Sunday.

I really hope he can come through this and get the strength to change for the better. I feel so guilty for leaving him it’s just eating me up inside.

[KIP.]

Please do not tell him you are leaving or even thinking about leaving. It’s a very dangerous time when we try to leave. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve been abused and traumatised so you’re stuck in a fog. Abusers use fear Obligation and Guilt to trap us. If he wasn’t abusive you wouldn’t have to leave in secret. He is not your responsibility. You need to prioritise yourself. Speak to your GP and have the abuse recorded with her. Ring the police if he should make you fearful. Never underestimate these men x

[blue eyes]

Yes I second that, don’t underestimate what he is capable of. For years I minimized what my first ex was like. I knew he could be awful but I never thought he could hurt me physically. I didn’t think he had it in him. I was never that scared of him. He was quite a slight man. Yet he snapped one day and he put his hands around my throat and started to squeeze. I was so shocked I just froze and I remember just being on the settee looking up at him while he was on top of me strangling me. Fortunately he stopped but I couldn’t move and I didn’t try to stop him it was bizarre. You would have thought I would have pushed him off but that thought never even entered my head. So please be careful how you go about things. Say nothing to him. And he is not your responsibility. He is choosing to be abusive, nothing you have done or said has caused this. Could there be some sort of mental illness there too?
“He didn’t trust people and thought they were out to get him or hurt him. He keeps knives beside the bed just in case someone tries to attack him in the middle of the night so he can defend himself” This is how a relative of mine thinks and he has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. My relative has never hurt anyone, he is more likely to hurt himself but he has but he has been known to run down the street with a knife in his hand and it makes you wonder what would happen if he bumped into someone. My relative has been hospitalized and is on medication now.

[marmaladechamp]

Thanks Blue Eyes and KIP,

I don’t think ive quite grasped the intensity of the situation yet. Judging by the shocked and concerned reactions from people when i’ve told them what’s happened I am starting to realise how much danger I am about to put myself in.

I’m trying so hard to hide my tears. He’s been so sweet (detail removed by moderator), telling me he loves me and how much I have changed him for the better. After the last outburst he promised he would make an appointment with his gp to talk about getting help for his anger issues and he went (detail removed by moderator) and got a referral to support.

I think he can change he just needs to be completely honest with himself and open to it. I have always wondered if there was something wrong and his mum has said a few times that she thinks he could be on the spectrum but he was never tested.

I can’t stop crying right now and I just want the pain to lessen. I am absolutely dreading the day I leave. I don’t even know if i’m going to be able to drive because of how upset I am

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