Will he change as promised?

[Mommabear]

Hello,

I’m new…my husband has been emotionally abusing me for years. We have two children and he is also mean to them.

It has got better (in the early days he cheated on me, drunk drove, threw we across the room, kicked me, used to go out and get drunk and didn’t know where he was). This has all stopped, the EA hasnt though.

Some recent examples, swearing at me in front of the babysitter because I was late for a taxi. Shouting at me at an event we went to saying I didn’t love him and he wouldn’t put up with me anymore. Swearing at me for 45 minutes in front of my daughter when we were trying to move a piece of furniture. Screaming at me because I’d opened the wrmg bottle of wine (too expensive) and offered it to a neighbour.

He has a history of not apologising, he hasn’t until recently taken any responsibility for his actions.

My daughters have started to stick up for themselves and question his moods.

I am very stressed, depressed and in a bad way. He’s promised that he will change. He’s seeing a counsellor. Is this possible? Will he ever change? I can’t take much more…

I’ve been in touch with a legal person, I’ve talked to friends and my Dad (who have all told me I’m not going crazy). Like most well here, I guess I’ve always been hopinga nd praying that he will change and this time will be different.

What can I do to take the next step? We are going on holiday and I know it’s only a matter of days before he starts getting abusive again. I’ll never forget being shouted at (in front of my kids) because I hadn’t put his shirts correctly in the boot of the car.

I have given him an ultimatum, I’ve told him enough is enough but still I am here.

I am in the process of leaving my job, we are financially ok but I need to make sure I am well enough to be there for my children. I’m going to embark on a fitness regime and get myself in a better place emotionally and physically.

When will I find the strength to do what I need to do? For my sake and for my daughters..

X*x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Mommabear,

Welcome to the forum, it sounds like you are in the right place and everyone here understands what you’re going through. I think maybe you already know the answer but sadly no, they never change. Acting like this gets them an enormous amount of power and control which is the thing they most want. It sounds like you are treading on eggshells and that he has treated you with total contempt and disrespect as well as violence.

Look up the Power and Control Wheel and Cycle of Abuse if you haven’t already as it should help make more sense of his behaviour. They always behave in this cycle of being really nice, then tension builds, then abuse happens, then apologies and promises then the cycle just starts again. Meanwhile the abuse gets worse each time and sadly many women end up getting killed. You need to put yourself and your children first, he will never change and it sounds like a very unsafe environment to be in even if he hasn’t hurt you physically recently. The fact that he did in the past means he is set up to do it again, it just sounds like he has shifted his abuse tactics to be more emotional. Also look up Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that’ and Pat Craven’s resources as they really shed a light on this sort of behaviour.

Definitely ring up the helpline and leave a message, contact your local women’s aid and any DV charities and they can help you put a plan in place. And the ladies here can all help you too as you go through the process.

[Mommabear]

Thank you. I wrote this 6 months ago and I am still here. Things are still bad. I feel like I am going crazy. I told him so a few nights ago.

He has offered to go to a psychiatrist/abuser program but doesn’t seem to be able to find one!. His father was abusive to his mother and he had a horrible childhood and so the cycle continues.

My concern is for my daugthers, they love him dearly but I am worried about the effect this is having on them, at the same time as worrying about us splitting up. i keep hoping that he will change.

I feel so weak and I am sure you have all heard this a million times before.

He has actually got better, he is going out less, he is drinking less, the episodes have become less frequent and less horrible but I cannot move on. I can’t stop thinking about everything that has happened and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to move on from what he has done.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I am desperate

[KIP.]

Please contact women’s aid for support. It’s really hard getting out without help. They can assist you with everything from housing to solicitors to just listening and explaining the dynamics of abuse. I think you have answered your own question by your post. It’s sad to accept that someone we love is actually knowingly abusing us and gets a thrill from it. Your children will suffer, often in later life is when a traumatic childhood gets a grip. You have done nothing wrong. You’re trapped in a FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

[Mommabear]

Like most women in my position, I ocsilate between thinking that it’s maybe all in my head, not that bad to wow, this is serious. I spend every living moment of every day thinking, worrying and beating myself up about it. When we do talk (which is infrequent), I am told that I am too sensitive, I think too much, I worry too much.

I cannot just ‘get over’ what he’s done and I certainly cannot forgive and forget. Countless friends have asked me why I put up with it and even a fiend of my daughter’s 9age 10) asked me why my husband was so mean to me? Ansd yet, I am still here, doubting myself.

I am intelligent, gregarious, loving, kind woman. How on earth have I ended up in this awful situation?

He tells me that things have got better and I am not forgiving. How can I be when he has treated me so badly.

I have seen a counsellor but I felt that even she was getting fed up of me.

I have spoken to friends and family and they ahve seen it/ are there for me but I’m worried that they too will have enough one day.

My usually, lovely and very sensitive (detail removed by moderator) has been horrible to me recently. She told me today that I am always blaming everyone else. I feel like my husband has got inside her head. It’t not her. She sounds like him when she speaks. I am way too soft with her.

Sorry, this thread feels out of control but I don’t know where else to turn. I self medicate with wine and zopliclone every night because I cannot sleep due to the worry.

I am going to see a good friend tomorrow, I am hoping a good chat with her will make me see sense.

Are there any face to face support groups out there? I would love to find a group where I can talk/chat/cry in person. I hate being behind a screen.

What was your final straw? How can I break free of this awful awful situation?

Much love to all you warriors out there x*x

[Mommabear]

I feel like it’s all spiralling out of control and I am becoming a weak and pathetic mess not the strong woman I should be for my daughters.

Other chat rooms have questioned why i am still here and what the hell I am doing and I know that they are right but I just cannot seem to help myself. I just crave support x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi mommabear, I take it these other sites are across the pond. This is the only forum that is for abused women, you’ll get no negative comments on here. None of, I’m so sassy if that was my man I’d….
If any one questions why you are still there they do not get the dynamics of abuse and it’s affects. Have you heard of trauma bonding, that’s where chemicals are released in the brain. Think of having a baby, that utter rush of love you have for them. Those same feelings are released when you fall in love, they are also released when you are in a situation of excessive flightless(flight/FRIGHT) when the same person majes your brain release these criminals that’s when things get confusing, add in the duration you are with this person, is it any wonder we don’t leave. The question that should be asked is, why does she stay not why does she not leave.
You’ll get so much support from us. We walk in your shoes as you do ours.
IWMB 💕💕

[Mommabear]

Iwantmeback thank you soooo much. I have felt utter shame after posting on the other site. It just made me feel worse to be honest. It’s not that straightforward and as you mention above there is still a kind of bond there. I wake up every morning, hoping and praying that things will just be normal and we can play happy families but I know that this won’t happen. Yet I am still here.

Has anyone got experience of men doing intensive therapy or programmes or do they not work? My husband is promising to do this sort of thing and has admitted the abuse and he even said that he felt bad about how he treats me. He isn’t, however that forthcoming because I think on some level he believes that if he admits too much then I have power over him. Power to potentially make him weaker financially and power to have custody of the girls if it comes to that.

(detail removed by moderator), he accused me of looking through ‘HIS’ finances. Firstly, they are OUR finances because we are married, secondly, I have no idea where he keeps all his documents and what savings HE (or WE!!!!) have. I explained this to him.

He has also accused me of cheating, of not loving him, of only being here for financial gain. None of this is of course true. I just want to be happy! It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I told him that I would prefer to move to a smaller house and to live peacefully than live like this. It’s like he doesn’t know me at all.

I am going to see a good friend (detail removed by moderator), we will talk and hopefully she will give me support.

Much love xxxx

[Iwantmeback]

He’s starting to feel as if he’s losing control of you. Checking finances accusing you of having affairs. That’s called projection,putting onto you what he’s (possibly)doing. Listen very carefully to what he says to you, you tend to find what he accuses you of, he’s confessing to you what he is. He may not want you to see the finances because he’s possibly having affair(s)
No he won’t change, I’ve noticed many men promise to go to courses, see someone. My own OH has recently said the exact same, he who only a few months back refused outright, saying there was nothing wrong with him but I could go if I wanted to. So I did. I saw WA and a psychologist and my doctor. I’ve opened up to a few older ladies I know, everyone of them including the professionals, said I’m being abused.
It’s awful hearing that. People like us, we dont get abused, but that my friend is where the falseness ends. The truth is, there are NO stereotypes, of an abused/abuser. Women who are abused, we go through a period of disbelief, I personally looked like a bag lady in the first few months,finally admitting to myself that that’s what I am. I don’t get beaten up, I don’t get forcefully raped, I don’t get my cards cut up and given an allowance but I am threatened with being hit, or slashed, put out of the house or he’ll leave. I am verbally abused most everyday. The name calling and his extreme rage sends to have stopped, but I know that’s because I called him out on it last year at some point. He’s been on as good a behaviour towards me as he can. But once we admit what they are, that they choose to abuse how in whatever way, we can’t go back to being the loving family unit we were. He’s broken it and only he can fix himself. Yes I may stay put or I may not, but living with someone I no longer love, that is no life at all.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, you’ll see your relationship or parts of it in so many others. It’s so so hearbreaking.

IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

There are a few things raised in your last few posts that I think I can helpfully answer. The first is breaking points. They are different for everyone. Obviously for some people it is something major like him assaulting them. But for a lot of us it isn’t. I always said I would leave if my partner hit me, but I didn’t. I convinced myself he hadn’t hit me hard enough for it to count. In the end my breaking point was him forbidding me to change my hair. Don’t ask me why this registered and the hitting, undermining if my ability to work and suffocation didn’t, but it did. And I said f**k that. It’s my hair and I can do what I please with it. And started making the plans to leave which finally got me out.

Experiences of men doing therapy. They are not upset enough that you are upset to accept stopping benefitting from the abuse. My partner went for counselling because he said that he wanted to stop hurting me – he just used it as ammunition to abuse me in more subtle ways.

And yes, as other posters have said that he is accusing you of financial abuse and cheating suggests that he is doing these things himself. Mirroring is a common a user technique. I would also worry that he is hiding money so that he can keep it if you divorce. You might not feel ready to leave yet, but it seems he is sensing that you are getting stronger and making preparations to keep you tied to him.

Do try to find the bank documents while he is out if you can. And photograph them so you have some evidence of what money was where if you do leave. You can save this to a secret email account and put the documents back exactly as you found them.

I hope you find your breaking point soon. It sounds like your relationship is putting a terrible toll on you and your daughter’s. Try calling women’s aid if you can do so safely. They are really helpful for listening and validating our experiences as well as helping to make plans going forwards when you are ready for that.

[Mommabear]

Thank you Iwantmeback. I think I have reached that point. Tiffany, you are right about the projection.

I just don’t trust him, the affair is the only thing I have found out about, goodness knows what else he has been up to that I don’t know about. I am certain that he will have tried, having heard from the husband of the ex friend he had an affair with what his tactics were.

I swing between feeling really strong and knowing this is the right thing to do and thinking maybe I am making more of the situation than I am. It’s like two voices inside my head. I am sure you will all understand the turmoil I am in.

The truth is however, and the point that I have reached in my saner moments, is that he doesn’t truly love me. How can he? This isn’t love. Too many things have happened and there have been too many instances of him lying to me or doing what he wants. He is untrustworthy and he has broken what we had.

He totally minimises everything that happens and makes out like I am the crazy one. Real mean don’t behave like this. Real men don’t treat women like this.

I have another weekend away soon with my three oldest friends who I have known since school. I plan to talk to them extensively about what has happened.

I have also done a lot of research about abusers changing and I can see that it takes years, if ever for these self entitled men to change. I don’t have that long. I simply don’t want to live the rest of my life with a man I do not trust.

His dad was the same and my DH hasn’t spoken to him for (detail removed by Moderator) years, yet he is repeating all the same behaviours and has the same amount of respect for me as his Dad had for his Mum.

I am pleased I have now come to this realisation, I will start getting my ducks in a row. He’s blown it, it’s his fault and it is now beyond repair.

I have to stop feeling sorry for him. He has done this and I cannot change him.

Here’s to the rest of my life!

xxxx

[brandnewme]

Hi
I stayed in your situation for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs , thinking he will change, i am making to much of it, remembering the good times , believing all the promises
when i called womans aid the advisor said they never change.
He just dragged me down and nearly ruined my job, impacted on my kids and caused misery.
listen to your gut, which i am guessing is telling you this is not normal and okay and do what you have to do sooner rather than later xxxx big love to you xxxx

[maddog]

You are amazing Mommabear! Wow! It’s a horrible and truly shocking revelation when we see these abusers for what they are. I so wanted to believe what my ex told me despite his actions being so very different. It took me decades for the reality to sink in.
I have spent this week feeling battered and angry. Ugh. I just want my ex to go away. In true fashion he’s told the children he wants to move on, though his actions suggest very differently.

[Mommabear]

How are you all? I haven’t had the time to post over the last few days. I’m
Just in a state of ‘getting on with it’.

Physically, I am absolutely exhausted. Tired like I’ve never been before. I am just going through the motions of life. My children are of course my priority and they bring me joy every day of my life.

I am seeing my school friends this weekend. I am hoping that I am at least able to enjoy it partly and not go on too much.

How is everyone else doing?

Xxxx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Mommabear, just wanted to say hi and well done for all the courageous steps forward and realisations you are making.
It is a massive thing to get to this point. Do you have a Domestic Abuse worker they can give you more support and help you understand the level of abuse. She can also help you with a safety plan and advice. You must be very careful and dont say much to him as we are at risk at this stage if he thinks you could leave. Be wary of physical attacks and financial abuse, and of him using abusing the kids and using them against you.
If I started doubting the seriousness I would tell myself my DA worker says I need to get out and she is an expert. Also the Freedom project runs support groups for women. I couldn’t attend but did the online version which is really helpful for understanding the abusive behaviours and learning about red flags.
Sadly not many abusive men will have therapy and change. I was convinced my man would and was heartbroken when he couldn’t fulfil his promise for me and the kids and our future dreams.
Getting the kids out of this toxic situation is crucial as it will affect them. Staying in it will slowly wear you down and affect your health. I have two conditions physical
and emotional as a direct result of years of abuse mainly psychological and emotional, and some physical . Trying to keep healthy and heal tho.
I hope you have a lovely time with your friends. I have only been able to see friends without repercussions recently and I have such a good time when I go out now. I treasure living free, and love hanging out with my kids in a peaceful stable home without that unpredictable presence that I was always trying to read and appease.
Keep strong and do everything at your own pace.

All the best
Apricotpoppy x

[Mommabear]

Thanks apricot poppy. I’m having a bad day. My husband is away and I didn’t sleep last night. The kids wer playing up yesterday and one was rude to our nanny. I had to explain what was going on to her.

I’m massively doubting myself today. Ina. Way I just want someone to Wave a magic wand and diagnose what’s happening so I don’t Keep doubting myself.

This is the worst but for me. I keep on making excuses for not seeing people for my flakiness.

One minute I think I’m doing the right thing, the next I wonder if I have a good life and I am too demanding.

We have a nice house, nice holidays, I don’t work at the moment yet I cannot cope.maybe it’s slmething else, maybe I am
Going mad?

My mum died (detail removed by moderator)
Years ago and my dad lives far away. I don’t have any family close to home (although I do have lots of friends) but like you all
Probably feel, I don’t want to burden them too much. I just wish there was someone who would tell me what to
Do.

I’m doing everything I can to try and better myself, yet I feel trapped in my own mind.

I saw a counsellor who was ok. Where can I find proper help?someone who will tell me whether I am imagining this al or not.

Sorry to be so negative but I just need to talk xxxx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi mommabear, you’re not imagining it, not in the slightest. It gets to the stage when there’s no arguements or accusations that we begin to doubt just how bad things are, then they’ll sneak a wee phrase in, or casually call you a horrid name, but because it’s not so bad we brush it off, knowing that it can be so much worse. But our eyes have been opened, we can’t unsee what they are, we can’t not know having spent however long reading up on them and reading others similar stories. It’s the knowing of the truth, but not knowing how to express it to others.
You’re not going mad, you’re reactions are of those of a normal, any normal person, to a crazy making situation, one that he is making. Keep journaling his behaviour, what he says and does, even if you think it’s insignificant. It’s not until you think on it later on that you realise he’s had anither dig, won again. It’s all about being right, winning as far as they are concerned at all costs. Take care of yourself and your children, it’s these days that are the hardest to get through, but we survive them, one day at a time.
Love to you all
IWMB 💕💕

[Mommabear]

thank you. feel like I am living in groundhog day. We had another episode (detail removed by Moderator). I am starting to get really angry now and I can’t control my anger. I don’t call him names but I get angry. He called me (detail removed by Moderator)!

i am just desperately unhappy and cannot forget the past. I have to make a decision as this is not a good environment for my children to be living in. He just carries on as if it’s all ok.

I am a complete and utter mess.

[diymum@1]

hi there,

from reading your posts i am gathering that your husband is quite a powerful man? i am glad in away that my ex abuser was the exact opposite and it worker in my favour that he wasnt very intelligent!

however,I was an absolute mess too, at this stage ;

sounds simple but have you made a list of everything you need to do and find out about? i had terrible anxiety at the point that i felt trapped and really wanted to leave.

do you know your entitlement yet if you choose to divorce – have you spoken with womens aid xx

when kids are involved this is the hardest thing ever and it does have an impact on them xx you will get through this i promise – first things first find out where you stand xx much love diymum xx

[KIP.]

It’s the indecision that is also very damaging. Once I had made my decision and got the process going I began to take back control. I regained my power in the relationship. It’s time to make your decision and act upon it. Maybe start getting finances sorted so you’re in a position to rent somewhere for you and the kids as he is going nowhere.

[Mommabear]

Thank you both. I have written him an email (detail removed by Moderator) (he’s away for a few days) and told him that he has exactly (detail removed by Moderator) to get some sort of plan in place to conquer his anger or I want to separate. I know that he won’t do anything about his anger and deep rooted problems (which sadly stem from his childhood and a father who was abusive to his mother).

I feel bad because he has been making an effort and thimgs have got better but it’s not as simple as that is it? I’ve explained to him recently that a couple of months of him being nice doesn’t make everything better. (detail removed by Moderator) proved to me that this isn’t a safe environment for the children and I am now getting mad at him (when usually I wouldn’t react). I cannot lower myself to his standards. I will not be that person.

I will call Women’s aid tomorrow. I have some credit cards and an overdraft and will use them if i need to. I don’t want to have to leave our home but I’m guessing we may not have a choice.

Should I speak to a solicitor also? If he refuses to move out then I will go down the separation route.
I don’t feel like I’m in danger and my neighbours know what is going on and will intervene if they need to.

He’s had chance after chance after chance and I am so miserable. I cannot live my life like this.

[Mommabear]

I spoke to
Women’s aid and I have few rights. He has the right to stay in the house. My only choice is to move out with the children or divorce.
A friend has talked some sneee into me
This week. I’m getting stronger and stronger by the day.

He’s been asking where I am
Going, questioning me going to the gym.

I need to keep strong and out everything in place

X*x

[maddog]

My ex refused to move out of the family home too. He sneered it in my face again and again and again. It was the police who finally persuaded him that it would be better for him that he left, and that if they came to the house again he would be arrested. It is a huge relief that he is no longer allowed in the house.

These men are truly monsters and it’s a relief that most men are not like this.

You are doing so well, Mommabear. Well done to you. It’s not a road that any of us would wilfully choose. It’s so worth getting all the support you need in place. Baby steps.

[Author]

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