23rd June 2022 at 12:02 pm #145853Escapee123Participant
This is my first post. I left the relationship about (removed by moderator) months ago after almost two decades of emotional, verbal, coercive and then later on physical and sexual abuse.
We have children together, which is the hardest thing I am struggling with now. I wish I could cut him out of my life forever but now he will always be in it.
He refuses to do ANYTHING in writing. He just simply does not respond. It is so frustrating.. he then tries to open conversations if he sees me in person or after he has spoken to the kids on the phone about childcare fees, a holiday he wants to take the kids on etc. No matter how much I stand my ground and say no I am not comfortable with what he is suggesting, he will THEN decide to put things in writing telling me I have agreed verbally to things he wants when I know I haven’t. When I protest he just insists that he is telling the truth. It then looks in writing like I am going back on my word all the time.. it is driving me crazy.
People keep telling me I need to do this court order, that court order, call the police, call my IDVA, log this, log that.. I have HAD ENOUGH. I am so fed up of this already I just want to crawl into a hole and drown the sound out sometimes. It’s all so overwhelming. He won’t ever stop will he…
23rd June 2022 at 2:16 pm #145860KIP.Participant
No the short answer is he won’t stop using contact as a means of control. Which means you have to take back control using either the courts and a court order for access or a third party for all communication and make it clear he isn’t to contact you directly or you will report him to the police. It’s going to feel drastic but there really is no other way. Meantime get a cheap mobile payg for him only and turn it off when the kids are with you.
23rd June 2022 at 4:57 pm #145869LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum.
I’m sorry to hear all that you are going through. You experienced domestic abuse for a very long time, so it’s no wonder that now, as you try and free yourself and your children from it, you are utterly exhausted and frustrated.
As others here I’m sure will attest, leaving an abusive relationship often does not mean the abuse ends. One common way way for it to continue is via child contact. I’m sure your IDVA is making you aware of what all you can do (and keeping record of his control and threats, as well as the incidents he is manipulating the children).
I hope at the very least, you can begin to use this forum as a safe place to express your struggles and how overwhelming the process you’re going through is. You are certainly not alone in feeling this way and I hope others here can assure you and validate your experience.
I understand there is a lot going on for you right now, but if/when ever you want to get extra emotional support, perhaps speaking to Supportline could be helpful. They offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
23rd June 2022 at 10:49 pm #145882MellowParticipant
Go to csa you just need his address as for access without sounding awful a solicitor letter is nothing you set the rules only court order is setting stone
24th June 2022 at 1:01 am #145887SingleMomSurvivorParticipant
I can so relate to this. Even though my ex and I have a court order and custody agreement in writing, he still manages to find loopholes. I realized today that part of me was still thinking that if I continued being reasonable and polite in my communications with him about our kids then somehow something would click & he’d begin behaving like a normal co-parent. This was flawed thinking on my part. He’s a highly disturbed individual and it won’t be possible for me to coparent with him. The best thing you can do is go through to courts and get a parenting plan/custody agreement in writing. Find a good solicitor with experience in working with abuse survivors who will help write up a solid agreement to protect you and your kids and have clear strict guidelines for communication. I think my solicitor didn’t really care about the abuse so I ended up with a very generic coparenting agreement.
24th June 2022 at 10:32 am #145907Escapee123Participant
Thank you all for you support 🙂 It really does get on top of you sometimes doesn’t it. It’s not helping that the kids are still adjusting and acting out.. they are only little so keep saying they want to go to Daddys and not my house and wish they were with Daddy. It it utterly heart wrenching and exhausting to keep consistent for them and reassuring rather then burst out crying.
He won’t tell me where he lives, I am thinking I have to follow him as I hate not knowing where my children are. He knows where I live (removed by moderator).
Sometimes my children parrot things he used to say to me and copy his horrible attitude to me.. they used to do it when we were together and they never spoke to him the same way, as if he is alpha and I’m the bottom of the pile. I think it’s because if I ever tried to actually parent them and say, put them in thinking time for fighting, he always took over. He also screamed that I was a bad mum in front of them a lot and told me I had no idea what I was doing, which wouldn’t have helped.
I am so terrified of going through court. I know him, and he will twist lie and manipulate everything. He is like a master neuro linguistic programmer, he always gets his way. (Detail removed by moderator). What if they believe him?
24th June 2022 at 5:29 pm #145928KIP.Participant
Start by building up a support network and journaling everything. Contact your local womens aid. They know how these men work. He will use the children to hurt you so keep a journal of their behaviour too and have a look at when dad hurts mom by Lundy Bancroft x
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