20th May 2019 at 9:26 pm #78711[email protected]Participant
So I got out.
But we have kids and a fun divorce too and so it’s never ending and I’m not free.
He denies everything, bashed me and blames me and belittles incidents as trivial. Plays games and lies through child arrangements and divorce. I can see people getting sucked into it.
(detail removed by moderator)
I mean how does that even happen?!!
I feel like I’ll never be free. He continues to taunt me and make me suffer- through the kids and (detail removed by moderator) I feel trapped and like it’s never ending.
I fear his lies are working and (detail removed by moderator), I’m doomed the kids will be put at risk.
21st May 2019 at 10:05 am #78740AlwaysSorryParticipant
Hi there JJ, welcome to the forum and good to see you posting on here.
The first thing that really spoke to me from your post is indeed; how do they pass these psychological assessments? Well, they’re in control of their abusive behaviour so all they have to do is put on their play pretend face for a short time while talking to a stranger who is most likely not specialised in dealing with abusive men. They just have to avoid their abusive behaviour, really, and unless the person doing the assessment knows what questions to ask to get a “straight answer that might reveal the abuse”, they sadly pass don’t they. My ex had to do one too, his work demanded it. He came out from it having spent the time telling the person all the things he was doing to me, except he had twisted it so that I was the one who was abusing him. He passed with flying colours – and it showed just how strong his mental health was to have to deal with someone like me! As much as I am grateful to read the books advertised on here and as much as I believe in mental health treatments, there’s a massive need for further education and specialisation when it comes to dealing with the abused and the abusers. When such a training is lacking, of course they slip through with flying colours. The injustice, eh.
Are you getting help with all of these things? With the divorce and with deciding where the kids should be? Rights of Women can give you legal help but I would also call WA for support with this. Getting out is so very very difficult and you are so brave for leaving him – it is clearly affecting him, he is playing these games on you because he doesn’t want to let go of the control he had of you. But you will be free of him, so keep fighting – keep fighting for you and your children so that you may all find peace. And please do not hesitate to call WA for help – it is never an inconvenience to call them.
Keep posting on here as well, use it as much or as little as you like. I found it especially great as an outlet for when the thoughts become too jumbled.
21st May 2019 at 2:44 pm #78771freedomtochooseBlocked
Several years on, and in my down times, I still ask myself on occasion this question…and when I am down about juggling contact arrangements. finances, have forgotton him and people who behave like that…suddenly I am reminded when something crops up and despite low contact as it can possible go…he slips into the old behaviours..
I feel the one word that AS is using is my answer. The word is peace.
I remind myself as often as I can that our household now is nothing like – what it used to be in the former marital home. I remind myself when we have a normal, peaceful start to the day, where nothing much happens apart from routine and we don’t argue about anything…usually and even then it is ‘normal’ arguing…
I can’t pretend that practising all kinds of boundaries around kids, child contact, etc isn’t hard work. Sometimes I feel it never gets any easier, and like you I feel occasionally ‘trap[ped’. But mostly I feel like that when my self-care is slippimg and try to take it as a signal to do something for myself – if only to keep talking, keep posting on here.
And I look back and know that things have become easier. I have been stronger than I ever thought it was possible to be. All those days and weeks and months where I couldn’t see a way forward at all…and all that fear.
You have been so brave.
psych asessments yes, I always thought it unbelievable that people asked questions about my mental health as a mother, but no one ever asked about his. straightforward sexism and mother blaming really.
We have a right to be peaceful. And a right to be happy.
Seems we have to do it despite them. Liked the lyrics of the song badass woman…quite a few times it held me up today…
21st May 2019 at 9:07 pm #78813MissnobodyParticipant
Don’t worry [email protected], you’re not alone! When I read your post I felt like I’d written it. I mean, of course they’re not going to stop torturing us, that would mean giving up, relinquishing control, which we both know is not an option. I’m still very early days out of my hellish relationship and if you feel anything like me you just never want to see him again – like ever! Unfortunately as you say, we will have this connection for life due to the children and I myself am still trying to find ways to deal with everything.
I know I haven’t really given any great advice there but I just wanted you to know that it’s not an unusual situation that you’re in, it’s not your fault and we will all be much better off in the end…at least that’s what I keep telling myself x*x
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