This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Eggshells 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #111647
     PaleBlueStar 
    Participant

    I’m in an unusual situation which makes getting out of my situation much much harder.

    When I met my partner I was in a sucessful career and he wasn’t. I owned my home outright and earnt a good living. He moved in, we married and had children. He never really worked after he met me. I was lonely and he was charming.

    During our time together I have had serious illnesses including (detail removed by moderator) and cancer and lost a close family member becoming the legal guardian to my (detail removed by moderator) who were orphaned. He was angry about this and told me not to talk about it as it was not fair on my own family.

    I have worked for myself for (detail removed by moderator). It has been hard. My husband won’t work outside the home. He does a bit of admin/invoicing in (detail removed by moderator) businesses I run but if he was an employee I’d have sacked him long ago.

    I have no space from him and we live in a remote location and I don’t drive. This was easier pre lock down as I could visit clients.

    To the outside world I am an independent woman with the perfect set up. I have it all – but I have nothing. I am married and deeply entwined to a ‘manchild’ who lives a wonderful life at my expense. He won’t work but volunteers and enjoys his hobbies. He controls all our money and has put himself in charge of the house, garden, children, cooking, food and menu’s, house purchases, finances, DIY. I am only allowed to work, work, work. I have given him respectability (a (detail removed by moderator) title, status and money) but I feel I have lost everything.

    I am not myself. No-one knows me. I like to keep a tidy and beautiful house but ours is half finished because he won’t allow me to get anyone in and can’t be bothered to finish it himself. When I was diagnosed with cancer I begged him to (detail removed by moderator). He did not do it. I had to work through my treatment to try and bring some money in. He refused to get work as he said he was needed at home. All my (detail removed by moderator) things are in boxes. I have no say. If I try and speak up I am silenced with (detail removed by moderator). I have no voice. But every day I hear that I am a dominating abusive bully. He is ocassionally nice to me and it is always enough for me to think – it’s OK. I can hang in there. I must stay to benefit everyone else.

    I have been in a previous absusive relationship as a teenager which is why I have stuck to this for so long. To prove I can do relationships. But I long for my freedom. Every day I am called an abusive bully. A cruel and wicked woman who damages everyone. I have destroyed all his confidence so he can’t work now and am not greatful enough for what he does for me. Cooking supper every night, hanging out washing etc This includes giving me the occasional lift in the (detail removed by moderator) cars I have paid for. (Detail removed by moderator) he was so angry with me that he drove off with the door open. I was frightened because I have a (detail removed by moderator) and am not quick to pull doors shut quickly.

    I am frightened of him.

    He has started to really pick on our son (teenage) and lockdown has been dreadful. If he does not get his own way or is challenged he screams with rage and throws himself on the floor saying to our children (detail removed by moderator). In our rural location people turn the other way. I wish someone would hear the screams and call for help.

    He has started to get more physical with me and I want him to hit me.but he won’t as he is too clever for that. He wants me out. In front of our son, he pinned me to the (detail removed by moderator) and punched it right by me head. But I did also snap during lockdown and threw glasses at him.

    The environment is dangerous and he wants me to move out so I can spend all day working and he has total control. He has told me I will lose everything as I am unbalanced and a bad person. He is very charming and good looking and is popular. His line to everyone is that I won’t discipline our son who is getting behind. And I am useless at everything except working so he has to do ‘everything’. It is me and not him living the life of Reilly.

    It has taken me a long time to wake up to how unhappy and controlled I am. Years and years and years. I have had 4 or 5 lots of counselling. He does not want me to parent as he wants total control. I have accepted that I can’t make a nice home or have any colours in it that he does not like – (detail removed by moderator). I have accepted I can’t have friends back and need to check everything with him and always be on red alert for him about to lose it & embarrass me.

    I hate owning a home with him and spending time with him as he can be oh so charming and then I say the wrong thing and he loses his temper and blames me for losing his temper. Every day of my life for years and years and years I get up and think ‘how can I give into him today to keep him calm. How can I surpress my emotions and not say antyhing’. But do you know I often get into trouble for the wrong look or expression or reaction.

    I don’t want my children to grow up in this environment. I earn all the money yet have no power or say over my life.

    I am about to go away with him (dreaful always as he has me in the car for hours and hours and total control – he will scream at me all the way I expect) but we are away with another couple. When I return I have arranged a call with a solcitor that focuses on needs of children in separations that can advise me on my rights. I have never done this before but I can’t go on as I am.

    Is it too late for me? Will I ever be happy again?

    Pale Blue Star

     

     

     

     

     

  • #111649
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Hi, you sound exhausted. You sound like I did, my experience was similar. Yes you can and will be happy again. I’m over 50 too, been out over a year and I’m so much happier without the man-child (love that).

    You can concentrate on your children, paint every single wall pink and lilac, relax without the constant pressure they bring.

    It takes time, I’ve had therapy EMDR sessions that seem to have worked a treat and I’m enjoying life again, laughing like I used to. Went for a long walk with a male friend last week and a pint after – I could never have done that before. You will get you back eventually, you just need to be kind to yourself when you have left.

    I’m simply not interested right now in having a man in my life. Maybe one day but I’m happy as I am. And you will be too. I hope you can get out soon. Please be careful how you do it though, he’s verging on violent and it can escalate rapidly if they know you’re planning to leave or get him out. Speak to women’s aid and devise a safe plan. Good luck xx

  • #111651
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Oh Pale Blue Star 😔 No it’s not too late and yes you will be able to have a happy life once more.

    Well done for making contact with a solicitor. Be really honest with them about his behaviour.

    Have you spoken to a DA support worker? It sounds like you could really use someone who understands what you are going through to give you support and advocacy.

    I can’t really give any advice on the practicalities as I had already lost everything material before I left.

    But you do have you! And you sound amazing!

  • #111676
     PaleBlueStar 
    Participant

    Thank you for your replies. I have not spoken to a DA worker because I feel there are others suffering more than me and don’t want to waste their time.

  • #111678
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Oh you mustn’t think like that – I sort of used to. I say sort of because they didn’t really give me a chance… I popped in one day just to tentatively get a feel for the way it worked (this was obviously pre lockdown) and I was immediately scooped up and sat down with a cup of tea and I realised I was in the right place. They are such great people and they know what you’re going through. It really does help and they will genuinely make you see that you are as important as all the other victims that they speak to.
    I also strongly advise you to be sure that your solicitor has experience with domestic abuse cases. X

  • #111680
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Sorry. Italics didn’t switch off!!!

  • #111690
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Hey Pale Blue Star, you will be OK, you have woken up just like most of us do after years and years. It will take time but just go forward with baby steps. I have not been out long and endured rough treatment but you have had it in spades. I stayed for so many reasons but chiefly because I didn’t know it was abuse, I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I just got a very serious case of Stockholm syndrome right up until the end. Counselling with a specialist, talking to someone who ‘gets it’ validating your experiences and speaking your truth help so much. As does getting professional help, writing down the facts of your circumstances so that you look at it objectively and emotionally detaching from him. You will get there and, from all you have been through, you sound like a wonderful woman who deserves the very best and some good and peace in your life.

  • #111702
     WalkerInTheRain 
    Participant

    I used to think my situation wasn’t bad enough to seek help until I kept a secret diary and it opened my eyes to the horror. Our brains shield us from the worst of things to try and protect ourselves.

    Support is there for everyone.

    You can absolutely be happy again. What if you lived into your 90’s. Could you survive more decades of this? You deserve happiness and all that comes with it.

  • #111703
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    @walkerintherain you are so right. Whenever I find myself thinking “I need to just tolerate this. Day to day. Get through it”, I then say to myself, but this is it. It is never going to change. If I put up with it, it’s not just today and tomorrow. It’s not just next week and next month. It’s for the rest of my life. Can I do that? Do I want to? NO and NO.

  • #111716
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    @lottieblue, you are absolutely right. No-one should ever think their abuse isn’t bad enough to get support but so many of us do think that. Reading “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven really opened my eyes to how bad it really was. And you’re also right about those questions. Can you live with this for another 10,20,30,40 years? Do you want to die with this man by your side? (Morbid but pertinent).

    @palebluestar I’m no spring chicken but I decided that I wanted a new, free life. Once your out, you will have a new life.

    Nina Simone sums it up beautifully in her song “Feeling Good”. xx

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