Will I ever completely believe it

[itwillbeokay]

Will I ever completely believe or get or feel or understand that he was emotionally psychologically abusive, coercive control, threatening, intimidating. Or will I always go back and forth with it and ruminate and feel confused and wonder if it was “that bad”. I mean, I know his behaviour could be pretty awful. But was he an abusive husband really. He never hit me. Never shouted. I’m so fed up of the constant desire for total validation in my head that never quite comes so I push all the emotions away and just get on with our new life. But the unease is always there threatening to take hold.

x

[diymum@1]

I don’t think we always realise how deep this goes, your dealing with broken trust, broken bonds.I think in the first year you ask why me? Why did this have to happen to my family. Did I do something wrong? We know deep down we didnt, I think it’s the part of the process off grieving when we search. Your searching for answers so that you can come to a conclusion,closure so that you can move on. Your lifting tne FOG,It does pass, for me I was so exhausted trying to make sense of it all,also having to deal with him. It did finally dawn on me he will never change, he was abusive and it wasn’t in my power to do anything else but to block him out of my life.It was honestly the best thing for us. I’m sure in time you’ll get to the same point. Life with any type of abuser isnt really a life. Especially when there are lots of good people out there xx ☺ 💕 💕

[Iwantmeback]

I think we subconsciously can’t believe anither human being would treat us in such a despicable way. Whether they do it on purpose is neither here nor there, we all know the semantics of why they are angry, hurt or miserable, but it’s why they choose to treat us so badly considering we’re the ones they profess to love and care about. We try to rationalise their behaviour by thinking it must be something we’ve done but it isn’t, it’s only in their heads to justify why and how they treat us.
Once we’re mentally detached as well as emotionally it should get better, I sure hope so. It’s our compassionate nature’s that see the good in them, that want to believe it’s a blip, an issue at work, not working, whatever excuse/ reason they use in order to abuse us. Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[Flowerchild]

You may always have the odd twinge of doubt, but does it matter? People leave perfectly nice partners too, don’t they? You made your choice and left. You don’t need to justify that choice to anyone, even yourself.

The fact that you feel the need to suggests the ex was abusive more strongly than anything, really!

When the voice starts up, why not tell it, ‘So what? I left. End of story!’ ?

Flower x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much. That’s amazing x*x

[J@jmum]

I’m in that after the event stage and asking myself the question of why it happened, did he know what he was doing, can it be fixed or is that what he is. Finding it very hard to come to terms with as I didn’t truely realise how abusive my relationship was. We have kids and I don’t know what this means for them, will they ever be safe, can he ever be trusted.

[HopeLifeJoy]

There are good books on the subjects,
Living with the dominator by Pat Craven explain the different types of abusers exist and how a healthy partner should actually act in the same situation.
Another book I enjoyed is Why does he do that by Bancroft. This one explains how conscious they are about their abuse, that it is 100% a choice they make each and every time.
Superbe books both of them.
He can never be trusted because it will always be about him and him alone.

[KIP.]

I totally believe it now. I’ve spent several years educating myself about the dynamics of abuse. When you accept there are millions of abusers all following the same pattern. The repetition on here of identical stories. I think it makes it easier. It was never personal. You could have been any woman he saw a vulnerability in. Knowledge is Power. KIP X

[HopeLifeJoy]

I had to read those books several times to really let sink onto my brain that such evil creatures do exist.
there is relief to know they all follow the exact same abuse manual – they are so stupid and uncreative- it gives us the advantage to know what they are capable of and inform each other on their tactics.
I know see abusers as addicts, they lie, steal and cheat, all done very subtly, they need their fix of abuse, doesn’t matter who it is. The next best thing on front of them really. And since they destroy others while doing it and not themselves they will never ever hit rock bottom to acknowledge their need to change.
I sometimes imagine how my life would have been if my ex would be a healthy person, non abusive that is, and I can see it would have been wonderful, and only due to his abuse it got destroyed. So I know it’s on him. And on him only.

[Anonymous]

Just reading “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. My eyes have been truly opened. I recognise so much of my ex in all this. He’s an alcoholic and it’s really the first time I’ve thought about his alcoholism and abuse being two separate problems. I’d recommend the book to anyone on here. If nothing else, it is helping me to see that nothing I could have done would have changed my ex, no matter how much I loved and supported him. And that it really us very rare for abusers to see the error of their ways and change their behaviour.

[diymum@1]

Hi Land, I’ve not long since read boundaries after a pathological relationship by adelyn birch. Wow that was an eye opener it’s like these guys actually live in a parallel universe! It’s a good read in protecting yourself in the future xx I hope your ok, not easy but we will get there ☺💕💕

[Anonymous]

Thank you, diymum@1. I’ll try that one next!

[diymum@1]

I’m definitely going to try to live my life with boundaries and follow through with consequences. Thats when were able to keep our dignity and keep these low lifes away from us xx attract the good ☺💪💕💕

[HopeLifeJoy]

From the book “Why does he do that” here is my favourite quote:
“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.”
And
“You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.”

[diymum@1]

Here’s a quote from the ‘the verbally abusive relationship’;

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!

This is something im going to try to believe;

I can trust my own feelings and perceptions
I am not to blame for being abused
I am not the cause of anothers irritation,anger or rage
I deserve freedom from anguish
I can say no to what I do not like or want
I do not have to take it
I am an important human being
I am a worthwhile person
I deserve to be treated with respect
I have power over my own life
I can use my power to take good care of myself
I can decide for myself what is best for me
I can make changes in my life if I want to
I am not alone;I can ask others to help me
I am worth working for and changing for
I deserve to make my own life safe and happy
I can count on my creativity and resourcefulness

Im finding this a great book in my recovery and really starting to face up to everything that has happened. I hope you find some peace x*x diy

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