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At the moment extremely stuck in my head, he’s had a nice period the last few months with no screaming and shouting but the control, blame and manipulation is still there. In my head I think because he’s not screaming, shouting and punching walls I don’t have a good enough excuse to leave, cos technically he’s shown changes and I feel guilty leaving. I feel guilty about so many things such as the bond my son has with his father and I feel so guilty to take that away. I feel like I’m just sat her day in day out trying to justify leaving but I can’t physically take the steps to actually leave. And what makes it harder is I know that I’d need to leave by blocking him and going no contact, but how do u do it just out of know where, I feel so awful to do that to him but trying to leave without all the manipulation and love bombing is impossible. How do people do it!
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Leaving is really hard. The cycle that you are describing is common, I’m afraid. As soon as he is certain you are staying, the abuse is likely to start up again.
I get what you’re saying about your son loving his Dad, but is that really an example you want him to see as normal?
You sound like you are getting ready to leave, in your head. Well done. Only you will know when it is time. Allowing for what I said in the first paragraph, don’t let him know you are leaving. This is the most dangerous point.
Good luck!
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Hi @Delilahivy, I was just posting about leaving on nbumblee’s post and then I read yours. It’s a common issue. No contact is absolutely the right way to do it successfully and chickenfeet is right about the example your partner is setting for your son. I’ve just bumped a post from years ago about what’s your red line for leaving. I subsequently left and best thing I ever did for me and my child although it’s not been easy xx
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Hi @lifebegins thank you so much for bumping that post, it’s really helped me see things in a different light and has given me that little bit more strength! My red line has definitely been crossed a hundred times over and it’s making me think why should I be waiting, I should just run xx
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I used to think that too! My partner has never been abusive physically but there were times I wish he was just so I would have a good enough excuse to leave. He has hooked me in with good behaviour only to change back again many times. One day it just suddenly clicked that I deserve to be happy, not being happy is enough of a reason to leave, even if it was a healthy relationship with a great guy, If your not happy in a relationship then you are allowed to end it. I know it’s not as simple as just leaving when the relationship becomes abusive (I am still with my partner, still trying to get out) but on the days when he is extra nice and I am uncertain, I just remind myself that it’s ok to leave any situation, relationship, or friendship that makes me unhappy.
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Purple cupcake, I have thought exactly the same as you; sometimes I wish he would just be physically abusive, just so I can justify ending the relationship.
Even though I know on behaviour alone, I would be fully justified in saying I’ve had enough – many times over.
But those few times when they are nice, it just adds to the confusion.
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This is EXACTLY what I am going through. I feel guilty for thinking to leave him especially after his love bombing saying that I am the most important person in the world, etc.. this happend all week and once it all got calm and better (detail removed by Moderator) in the middle of the night he started accusing me of cheating again, when truly I never even looked at another man during the whole time we have been together!
I got to the point when on these bad days I just don’t care anymore. He used to be extremely physically abusive before but after we had a child the physical abuse stopped. But I kind of think that I am just waiting for it to happen again so it would be a good excuse to leave without feeling guilty. But once he senses me feeling this way, that’s when he “changes”. I hate it so much and hate myself for feeling guilty when I shouldn’t even feel sorry for him because he deserves to be alone.
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I felt exactly the same as you are describing, the guilt is like torture, believe me, if I can do it, you can. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, it’s not, but it wasn’t as bad as I’d built it up to be in my head. Leaving is the best thing I did, I’m a few weeks down the line now and I still can’t believe I did it. No contact is the only option, to prevent the guilt. Plan it well, confide in a close group of people and just go for it. Good luck xx
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I feel so guilty that I’m look at properties behind his back. My one thing I hate is people who tell lies and I feel that is me at the moment going behind his back. I to wish he would lash out at me then I could say I’m going but he is so good In front of people. I do this for her I take her here I’m the perfect boyfriend if only they could see what life is like behind closed doors. But at the moment he is showering me with gifts and holidays. I j7st need to find the right place for us to go.
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Leaving – the hardest thing to choose to do.
Staying – the hardest thing to choose to do.
I stayed for years and years, experiencing all the changes, death threats at the worst, to you are universe at best, and every emotion in between. Sporadic physical abuse, some without warning, some from children’s actions beyond anyone’s control (crying/laughing at wrong times), others because I had broken a rule – argued back or defended children.
Verbally aggressive – pretty much daily, for any reason whatsoever ever.
I planned, mentally envisioning leaving, planning on my head, visualizing situations, scenario’s and writing pro’s and cons of staying, and going, to have a visual reference point, as I felt far to numb, confused, emotionally stretched – full time job, 4 kids, no support of any kind from him. Mentally and physically on a neverending tread mill, that was too fast to get off!
I had 2 very close friends, and a teacher I could talk too, to decide and help with that side of things, eventually, I knew I was ready, had to go, before one of us was dead, and the kids were orphaned.
Once I had my paperwork spirted away, had packed a couple of days clothes, for each of us, to the same safe house, I sent them to school, and left, picking them all up early, and left with our a backward glance.
It was my 3rd and final attempt, the previous 2, had failed, BUT, prepared me, so I had an inkling of what to expect.
Have regretted nothing about leaving, and no, not easy, but SO much better than with him!
A decade away, and the long term goals for the children are happening, they have started thanking me, individually, in their own way, for me leaving – this was definitely not the case in the early days!!
Good luck, you will know when your time is, it was the best and most difficult thing I ever did.
A whole new, quiet, safe, balanced, peaceful, unrestricted and choice filled future is awaiting you, take the leap of faith and spread your wings, you got this.
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I often say exactly the same and actually I dont beleive I will ever leave as much as I want too I cant seem to see a way out.
The good days confuse me too makes me feel as if its all in my head I doubt myself I look at him and I think how am I even thinking this man is mean to me. Nobody else can see it but me he is so nice to others.
It really drives me insane.
So you really arent alone here.
As others have said we all find our own path through this and each path is different some leave quicker than others some accept and see dont just never will I guess. Start small get all your ducks together as they say maybe start to save what money you can, think of an escape route a friend a hotel whatever have an idea in place in your head orgainse paper work have a bag packed even for you and your child keep it somewhere safe he wont see small scarey things like that may help you feel braver and braver. Talk it through with someone you trust so they know your plans as one day you will know you will feel it and it will happen.
Until then plan, stay safe x*x -
Going through the exact same thing again as we speak.
Because I never said straight away I wanted him to leave, it’s as if it’s a given he will stay and we will try again while he is trying to change. Being overly nice, ordering a takeaway etc talking about the future, growing old together.
It’s like the decision isn’t ours/yours to make, unless you make your own plans to leave safely.
Take care and a gentle hug to you all x -
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