Will I ever move on? Future? Children? Anxiety

[Anonymous]

Hello 🙂

Me and my abusive ex separated nearly a year ago, we didn’t speak for (removed by moderator) months then had a few communications within these last (removed by moderator) months. It’s been zero contact since. I’ve completed a lot of programmes where I’ve learn about abuse, and completed some therapy. I am now doing EMDR about the traumas that happened during the relationship that contribute to my PTSD.

I do yoga everyday, I have reconnected with friends and family. I’ve been attending acupuncture weekly, eating well and slowly rebuilding my life.

The only thing is, I still feel this intensely strong connection to my ex. Like I’m ‘never’ going to get over him, or heal from this situation. I am doing so much work with my recovery but these intense feelings are still there. Like he was / is the love of my life, and although I know how lucky I am to be away from him and the abuse, I feel like I am never going to be able to experience a healthy relationship or ever be ready to date. Like it’s him or nothing. He’s on my mind nearly ever day, and I am ashamed to say I miss him / still feel great attraction to him. He was my best friend for many years but then a best friend / partner doesn’t emotionally abuse or physically abuse their partners.

I also still feel this intense loyalty to him / subconscious as well as conscious. Like I behave like I’m a married woman which is how I felt with my ex (we were engaged).

I know I need to be strong, resilience and continue on this path. I know the longer I am away from him the less the trauma bond will feel but right now, it hurts so much. I really want to have children within the next few years I think that is contributing to this attraction to him (twisted I know), but right now I am unable to work due to C-PTSD / (removed by moderator), unable to start new relationships or date etc and not emotionally availability. It’s breaking my heart to be in this position, I guess so vulnerable? I’m just so anxious about the future.

Do any other women have these anxieties about the future? Sometimes I feel so strong, other days I feel like I’m drowning in pain. I just want to heal, and be ‘normal’. Tonight I’m feeling very alone like I need to talk about it, so I hope this is ok?

[Weemebreeze]

Hi, you’ve done so very well to get where you are – that takes so much strength. You should feel so proud of yourself, it’s not easy at all to do what you’ve done. You’ve taken some important decisions to put yourself in the best possible position to achieve your dreams. I know it’s really difficult and I’m not sure if this will help, but holding off to have children in a healthy relationship with no abuse is absolutely the right thing to do. Safety is absolute priority. I read a nice quote the other day “we often spend so long looking at the door that’s closed, that we miss the one that has opened for us”. You’re on the right path, you’re doing all the right things. It will take time. I found it helpful to write a list of all the arguments I could remember and I highlighted the ones that made me feel really bad or that had escalated. It was blatantly obvious that the relationship only got worse and the arguments got more frequent. I look at that list every time I’m wobbling and I don’t think about anything else. I think about what I want from my next relationship and I see how far away from it I was with him. Hold on for the right one. ❤️ X

[Notanymore]

I wouldn’t go back to my abusive ex even though he was the last man on Earth!
I don’t know if this will help you.
I’d always wanted to have children.
I find it hard to confess this but I wish I hadn’t met my ex even if that meant not having had my kids. It isn’t only the emotional harm he’s caused me, it’s also the way he’s manipulated our children and turned them against me. And noticing my son treating me the way his father did is heartbreaking.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi, I did have a child with my abusive ex and from my experience it’s really difficult. He was abusive to me for years but I ignored, denied, minimised his behaviour. Then we had a child, he started treating our child bad, we left. The cruelest part is I can’t protect our child because he has parental rights. He continues to be abusive through our child.
I think you’ve done really well with your journey so far and I think it’s normal to feel how you do at times. You long for the relationship you had expectations of but the reality wasn’t the same. The reality is he’s abusive.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and what you have experienced from having a child within your ex abusive relationship. Also your thoughts around what I have shared. It really does mean a lot to me.

You are absolutely right, I want nothing to do with my ex abuser. I found some photos of me battered on my phone recently, it brought up a lot of memories. It wasn’t love that I experienced and I would never ever want to bring a child into that situation which is why I chose not too.

I am super grateful there is no reason for me to have communication with my ex partner, I am very lucky I have left the relationship and very lucky I am free and have the opportunity to heal.

I suppose I grieve for the life I thought I would have but it wasn’t a reality at all. I dream of having many children, a marriage, working hard in my career.

Right now I am on a recovering journey, (detail removed by Moderator) living back at home, relaying on my parents, unable to work, in therapy and it is hard. I want to be living my life but I am nowhere near ready to date again – my biggest fear is not having children, I am desperate to be a mother but I do not have the stability or funds or relationship to do so at current.

I really do hope your children grow up to respect and love you, I wish you all the best for the future. We all survivours and can do this together. Keep strong caring women, thank you for sharing your stories.

Lots of love to you xx

[Author]

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