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Hey there – yes it will get better. I’m sorry things are so tough. They try and find whatever ‘weak spot’ they can to control after we have left and yes our children are quite rightly that because we love and care for them so deeply. Abusers care only for themselves. Well done for getting out. In my case social services were amazing but I was open and willing to work with them. My children are no contact. Every time he crosses your boundary out up another one. May be contact NCDV to get non mol for you and your kids if they are young? On bad days I remind myself how far I have come and that me and the children will and are making our futures free. Sending support x*x
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Thankyou for your response I mean I’m finding it really hard at the moment. I’m working with social services too trying to do what they ask of me because he put the fear of them taking them away. But even going to my local supermarket is such a task. I shake in fear and I know they can tell. I asked my doctor for something to help me but they make me sleep too deeply and I have a baby. I just need to find the right path I think. It doesn’t help that I feel week from not eating.
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You are doing amazing – you are out you are looking after your children and a baby you are going to get food. First things first – you need food yourself to give you the energy and stability to look after those precious kids. Drink water. Eat. Sleep. Walk. Look after those kiddies – life will get better but start with this. Ask your GP about talking therapies ask women’s aid. Talk to your social worker – mine saved our lives. I know it’s so hard but I believe you can do this and this hard part of your journey will ease but it’s soo tough and it takes soo long. Please be kind to yourself xx
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hi hun, i just want to say: it does get easier, take it 1 day at a time, be kind to yourself, you are doing amazingly. all the things you are describing are natural after what we go through. i had severe anxiety and would shake when having to take my kids to school, i cried in supermarkets at the thought of not knowing what bread to buy…. it sounds silly now, but it was terribly humiliating and upsetting at the time, 2 years later things are better.
these men always try to use the kids, mine is still attempting this.
i try to post things on these forums that helped me, just incase these things help others, i have wrote a post ‘important info that helped me get out and stay out’i suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, which got extremely worse once i left.
i passed out at my childrens school, had anxiety attack in a supermarket when i didnt know which bread to buy… iv had lots of them over “silly” things. They are few now, and i can recognise my own “triggers”
my chest tightens, i feel hot and sweaty, but dont actually sweat. ive felt dizzy. felt like im being watched, like im not safe. my body shakes, my mouth goes dry. my eyes scan EVERYWHERE and flick over everything. i breathe faster..now all those things dont always happen, sometimes its one or two.. sometimes more…
but i found things to “ground” me..
when i notice it happening ( usually if im going somewhere iv never been, or somewhere i know he goes)
i use mints to ground me, i suck them and the minty flavour grounds my senses and helps me focus.
that is one that i still use now because its the one which helps me most.always make sure you are safe, if you know that you are safe yet you “feel” an anxiety attack for a silly reason try these..
taking slow/deep breaths focus on anything else… try reciting the alphabet in your head as you breathe.
if your mind is focussed on something else its harder to lose control.
in severe attacks i recited times tables (as its harder and takes more focus)have something in your pocket, a pebble or something to squeeze… think about how it feels.
tell yourself you are safe and this is normal.
be kind to yourself, if you are having a bad day, dont force yourself to do extra things.
but on those good days try to push yourself a little so you dont get scared of doing or going new things/places.these all helped me, aswell as listening to music. take your earbuds with you use one to listen to music.. dont wear two, as you wouldnt hear a danger.
also i found some of these guides helpful.
https://web.ntw.nhs.uk/selfhelp/#anxietyi hope these help- good luck with your journey 🙂
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You could maybe go back to the GP and ask if there are other medications you can try. I have a beta blocker that helps with anxiety, but I only take it when I need to and it doesn’t affect sleep. There’s long waiting lists for counselling in most NHS areas, but Women’s Aid sometimes offer it as there are also free online services like Beating the Blues that GPs can refer to.
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I just came across your post Minimrs. I know how awful anxiety feels. It sounds like you’re having a really difficult time and your ex’s behaviour sounds like a horrible continuation of his abuse.
If you have a baby you may not have to wait too long for NHS counselling. I don’t know how much it varies by county but where I live if you have a child under 1, you get bumped up the list because of the risk of post natal depression/anxiety and the potential impact on mother-baby bonding. I had CBT on the NHS for post natal anxiety and while it didn’t totally fix it long term, the CBT combined with an SSRI (depression/anxiety medication) had a huge impact on my ability to cope with day to day life. I went from not coping day to day without help to the anxiety rarely coming up, and when it did come up again it was never very strong. When I stopped taking the SSRI I didn’t relapse for a couple of years (during lockdown, but that’s another story!). The downside of SSRIs is that they take a few weeks to work and you can feel rubbish while your body gets used to them. But I’ve found them a great help in taking the power out of the anxiety to allow me to develop non-medication ways to manage anxiety. Sending love xxxx
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