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Hi
I’ve been with my partner a while and the last little while it’s sometimes been getting hard he can go from being the nicest person in the world to someone who’s incredibly angry and says it’s due to stress and his mental health – I want to help but his actions have frightened me and recently almost hurt me physically – he says he wants to get help but He’s never went for any in all the time we’ve been together and I’m worried that he’ll do the same thing again, I watched my parent go through the same thing and don’t want to do it myself but I’m at a loss and keep thinking about it,
Sorry for rambling I just hope someone might be able to give me some advice
Thanks
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Hi Sabel
Have you heard the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’? the fact that he hasnt gone for help shows that theres not really an anger problem, most likely not an mh problem either if im honest. its just an excuse they use. People with mh are not necessarily abusive toward there partners. He has an ‘abusive tendancy’ so he decided to abuse you. have you ever read lundy bancroft why does he do that he explains this really well. the problem with abusive behaviour is that this is a belief system of theirs they dont change even with lots of therapy and it does tend to escalate. its not what we want to hear and its tough to leave but you can do this. start educating yourself on abusive behaviour theres loads of stuff online. xx
luv diymum
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Yes it will, I’m sorry that’s not what you want to hear. In abusive relationships the goalposts constantly change, nothing you do will ever be enough for long and his words will not match his actions. Look up the cycle of abuse, it hard to accept the bad when it’s coupled with periods of being a loving/perfect partner but that’s all part of it and what keeps us with them. x
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Thank you for your replies , i haven’t read it no, but I’m going to have a look. I think I’m just finding it hard because I’ve never thought of him like that and don’t know because even what happened wasn’t directly at me but it’s scared me a little
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That’s the intention – create fear not enough to scare you away, but enough to control you & make you alter your behaviour to be more compliant. Once the indirect shouting/aggression stops it’s likely it’ll move onto more direct about you which might be in days/weeks or years. He’s probably been doing it subtlety for longer than you realise. The fact you’re here suggests your head is telling you it’s more than one isolated outburst. It’s so hard to accept though, we know xx
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never ignore your gut instinct sabel. If you feel scared then your most likely sensing danger. you might have rose tinted glasses on just now i know i did for years. the words in my head were ‘surely not he cant be one of the bad ones he started off so lovely where did that man go?’ you drive your self crazy trying to deny what he is doing is wrong. if he loved and respected you he would not frighten you darling xx its a tough pill to swallow but honestly there are millions of good people out there that wont do this xx
luv diymum
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Sorry but after years of being with someone who blamed their behaviours on their mental health I have to say this would be me saying goodbye. I now also have the same mental health condition due to his abuse and needless to say I don’t get aggressive or hit anyone… sorry again mental health is no reason for anger and violence or near violence.
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Hi Sabel, in short yes it will happen again and as you’ve stated even when its not happening you are worrying about it happening again and this is part of the abuse also. You will also destroy any good times as the worry of it all going wrong will be hanging over you. My abuser would say and infer that he was recovered from the abuse by saying ‘I’m better now as if this had happened last year I would have (detail removed by moderator) but I’m trying not to’ which instantly had me on eggshells as he thought this was what an acceptable thing to say.
Stay safe Sabel -
Hi Sabel,
I have struggled with my MH for some time too, at times it makes me a bit irritable around people and at times I like to be on my own, but I don’t abuse people or make them afraid of me, I don’t disrespect people or shout at them, but most importantly, I realise and acknowledge my MH and have sought help for it.
When we are with abusive men we tend to try and ‘fix’ them. We actually make them our project to work on because we love them and we want to make them better. If ‘making them better’ means we moderate and adapt our behaviour, do what they want, don’t do what we want, tiptoe around to keep the peace, then that’s what we do. Eventually, we start to realise that no matter what we do, they are not ‘getting better’ – if anything they get worse! We can’t understand why they are getting worse when we are doing everything in our power to be the person they want us to be…
Until one day we do understand. That understanding is that their behaviour is actually not connected to anything that we do or don’t do, their behaviour is down to them and is of their choosing.
We have a right to end a relationship that is not making us happy, not fulfilling our needs or just not floating our boat any more. Sometimes we don’t need any more reason than “I’m no longer happy with you.”
xx
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Hi, you have had some great advise already 😊
I wanted to add that nothing causes your partner to become abusive, he choses to… Bananaboat is spot on with what she said re mental health doesn’t create violence… I also have mental health which I take medication for to keep me well (thanks to my husband’s abuse I am on more antidepressants but they work so that’s fine, I also haven’t suddenly become aggressive or moody because of my mental health, if anything I am quieter and suffer in silence some days as I am sure lots of other people do, never do I feel violent as we are in control of our own behaviours.
Your partner is making you responsible for him, you are not at all, his behaviour is on him.
He is lying to you saying he will seek help, if he wanted help for himself he would just go and get help after all this time right, but he has no intention, he says it to you as that has pacified you in the past.
It’s a lot to come to terms with when you start to recognise your own misery over the years mixed in with great, Happy Times as these men can all appear so lovely at times… when they’re reeling us in.
Your gut is telling you, your body may start to tell you (where I held on and kept ‘trying’ with my very long abusive marriage my mental and physical health suffered, this is also common)
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I think he is using ‘struggling with mental health’ as an excuse or justifcation for abuse.
I also think he wants you to not trust your gut instinct and he has more than likely done this to many other girls in past relationships and probably told you a story of how they were at fault and nobody really understands him like you. This ofcourse is probably what he said to them too but they broke free. Then he continues on his cycle of abuse. People like him never change, they manipulate so well to the point you are doubting yourself if he is really like that.
The fact he hasn’t sought help shows he is not struggling with mental health, he probably doesn’t even believe he is abusing you and blames you.
The longer you stay trying to fix, the worse your mental health and self worth and entire being will be affected. Sending you a big hug. Don’t doubt or undervalue yourself, keep fighting for the love and respect you deserve xx
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