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    • #46724
      AppleNinja
      Participant

      I feel absolutely awful, frustrated and seething inside.

      I haven’t been on the forum for a while because I was so busy. And he was (kind of) ok for a few months. But now I think the devil is emerging again. Urrrgh!!!

      Because he doesn’t work, he takes care of our daughter while I work full-time. I’m super vigilant when it comes to my little girl and I’m always for a lookout for any distress signals. I have to admit that I dread coming home in case she tells me he had been meant to her while I was away. Actually, I just realized I feel uneasy while I’m away and she’s under his influence.

      But the other day I came home and she told me daddy had shouted at her because she had had a little accident (didn’t quite make it to the toilet). When I asked about the details she said he had kicked a toy box across the room, slapped her on both legs and kicked her. I don’t think he had been like this with her before. He had been mean but he hadn’t done the kicking and slapping. What was shocking though was that before, when she’d had a bad day I had spotted it immediately. Whereas on this occasion, I didn’t. Because when I cam home she was all over him, very playful and loving, kind of not bothered that I was at home at last. When we were alone later that evening she told what had happened and I explained that was very bad behaviour on her father’s part, she said it’s ok because Daddy’s teaching her how to be good. Or something like that. She’s normalizing this behaviour, am I right?

      This is why I’m dropping everything and fully focussing on getting out ASAP.

      I feel a big big coward for not saying anything to him but I’m afraid I’d raise his suspicions or that I’d reveal my plans by accident if we argue and I won’t be able to control myself. The truth is I’m unable to confront him anymore, so exhausted by him. I’m afraid that if I confront him it will escalate. At the same time, I feel like I’m not standing up for my daughter.

      Shall I confront him or shall I keep quiet while I make arrangements?

      Sorry for the rant and would be thankful for any advice,
      AppleNinja

    • #46725
      AppleNinja
      Participant

      Ha!
      I’ve just viewed what I had written here before and my very first post was about HIM slapping my daughter.
      It seems I erase bad memories to be able to cope or whatever. How pathetic!
      My daughter deserves a better mother, really.
      I should have left after I wrote that first post. I’m ashamed of myself.
      I hope that the next string of posts will be written post-escape!

    • #46732
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi AppleNinja,

      I am sorry for your situation. Please don’t feel guilty, his behavior is not your fault and you are not to blame. Please do find a safe time to phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline to get some advice with leaving your abuser safely, sadly we know that leaving an abusive relationship can be a dangerous time and the helpline can help you safety plan. You ad your daughter deserve to be happy and safe and free from abuse and we are all here for you as you make the journey to freedom.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

      • #49476
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello Lisa,
        Thank you for your support. I’ve started a counselling series with Solace and that’s really helping. I’m also going to start working with them on planning a safe escape and hopefully it won’t be long before I am able to take that leap.

        This forum is such a place of relief.

        Thanks,
        AppleNinja

    • #46735
      KIP.
      Participant

      Don’t confront him. He will twist everything and brainwash her into covering for him. Just quietly make plans to get away with your daughter. Please don’t leave him with her again. It might be worth taking her to your GP and logging any injuries and getting your GP to hear her say what her father did to her. That is good evidence for court should you need to keep him away from you both.

      • #49477
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hi Kip,

        I’m sorry I haven’t replied earlier, I read your message but didn’t really have the opportunity to respond. I cannot go on here when I’m home because he’s always there. So I can only sneak a few minutes while at work.

        Yes, you’re right. I’ll restrain myself because when I’ve challenged him in the past it escalated and created distress mostly for the little one. So I keep quiet. But the only thing that helps me manage my anger is the thought of breaking free from him.

        Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to not leave her with him, as I have a full-time job and I’m the breadwinner.
        It all drives me mad. But I’m very hopeful that it won’t last long and I’ll be able to leave him soon with the help of the organization that supports me.

        That’s a good idea about taking pictures. He doesn’t normally hit her though, it’s more like he sometimes pushes her or drags her, or is verbal with her, you know. But if he dares hit her hard, I will take a picture and I will use it.

        Thanks,
        Apple

    • #46738
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Definitely don’t tell him of your plans to leave. He is not going to want you to leave as you are his source of income and he feels powerful and in control when he hurts you. if you leave he has to spend time, energy and expense ‘breaking in’ another intimate partner who he can hurt. Its easier for him to try manipulate you into staying in the abusive relationship and this he will do, relentlessly and with full pressure.

      You are not a bad mother. Abuse situations are very difficult to make sense of and realize what’s happening. At least you are aware you need to end this relationship now. When my daughter was pre-school, my ex pushed her across the room very forcefully, I was shocked and gave out to him but it never dawned on me what he was, that he was emotionally controlling my children and I and that I was living in a cycle of abuse. Fast forward to this daughter being mid-teens when I got away from him. So my children spent their childhood/teenage years with me in an abusive relationship. But I can’t blame myself. For some reason my denial wouldn’t lift. it didn’t help that I had been reared with my dad being in an abusive relationship with my mum and mu mum abused him and me. So the red flags of my ex husband’s behaviour didn’t jump out at me. I really wish they did but they didn’t. I eventually left but after my children being reared in this distressing atmosphere. At least you are going to try to leave now. You’ll save your daughter many years of heartache.

      We are here to support you.

    • #46739
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      btw, I think you are a very brave mum

      • #49478
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello,

        Thank you for your messages, it’s so kind.

        I am truly sorry for what you’ve gone through. Unfortunately, I have an idea of how it must have been for you.

        I think it’s very tricky to make sense of what’s going on – it literally took me a knock on the head whereby a thousand little pieces rearranged themselves into a new configuration – like when you give a kaleidoscope a shake. Only then I started – only STARTED – to view the true picture of my previous 10 years with him.

        I always sensed that something was wrong but I couldn’t define it and I there was also a degree of denial. Because you’ve invested so much in the relationship, in the building of the family together, in creating the memories. And only to realize that actually the foundation is rotten and beyond repair and everything will crumble if you start fiddling with it?

        Yeah, now in retrospect I recognize the red flags but I didn’t have a clue back then that what he was doing is actually classified as abuse.

        In my case, I had never experienced abuse before this relationship so I often think I should have known better. How did I not see that this was not standard behaviour? I honestly do not know. So if you grew up with an abusive mother the I guess it would have been more difficult for you to discern.

        It’s good that you left.

        What gave you the motivation to leave in the end? And how are your children now? I truly hope they are doing fine and that you have all been able to overcome whatever effects this has had on you.

        Thanks,
        AppleNinja

    • #49159
      Malachite
      Participant

      I was in a similar situation for a few years unfortunately, I felt awful. I mean for the most part he was a great dad, but he could get very angry with her for minor things. I’m not going to go into it here though, obviously bc this is your post. I’m just letting you know you’re not the only one and it doesn’t make you the bad parent.
      I’m not sure how you’re supposed to simultaneously leave quietly, but also not leave her with him. Won’t that be a massive red flag, KIP? But maybe if you tell your workplace/boss then it’s possible.

      • #49479
        AppleNinja
        Participant

        Hello Malachite,

        Thank you for your message of support. I didn’t have an opportunity to respond.

        I wouldn’t mind if you went into detail about your situation. It sounds like you managed to get out and it’s always inspiring to hear how other people did it. And it is very heart-warming to know that someone is in a better place after a difficult struggle. It breaks my heart to be conscious of how many people are being abused. So it’s great (and it also makes me cry) when there is a happy ending.

        At least I do hope that you are, in fact, in a better place now.

        My husband is….I don’t know if he’s a great dad. They do have some fun together play-fighting, he doesn’t neglect her, takes her to school, picks her up from school (always on time), feeds her, takes her to the park, bathes her, irons her clothes (not mine because that’s too difficult, apparently).

        On the other hand, he doesn’t provide for her as he doesn’t have any income (won’t work and won’t deal with Job Centre people or income support people or any other people in authority). He’s constantly on her case – she might as well be an army recruit, he’s abrupt with her. Like you say, he gets very angry with her for minor things.

        As for the leaving part – he is ALWAYS at home. So I have to be cunning. My plan is to pack my stuff, get a friend pick it up in a car (I don’t drive) and pretend it’s all going to charity. At work, I have an emergency bag & suitcase where I’ll store the most essential things to take to refuge with me. He won’t get suspicious as he’s always complaining about my stuff.

        The hard part is the day I leave. I’ll have to pretend I’m going to work, wait until he’s taken our daughter to school, sneak back in and grab a few items, sneak out before he gets in. Then I’ll go to school to get her, call a cab and go to my friend’s. From there I’ll have to make arrangements to go to a refuge.

        I don’t think I have other options, only variations on this one.

        How did you do it? And what was the final trigger for you? I hope you and your daughter are well now and she’s not taken it too hard. Does she say she misses her dad?

        Thanks,
        AppleNinja

      • #49582
        Malachite
        Participant

        You sound like such a lovely person in so many ways. I really hope your plan goes well x

        I’ll have to message you because I’m not sure I can be subtle *and* make sense!

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