will we always feel vulnerable?

[diymum@1]

I cant seem to stop my anti anxiety meds 🙁 I have a lovely partner but he likes female validation. Im so so aware off how coersive control works now and I would never say or comment why do you smile at every pretty lady that walks past you when were walking along. hes just being friendly – but I get this sinking sick feeling in my stomach like when I was with my ex. I suppose writing this makes me feel this is probably a big triggering factor me. I was triangulated big time with him and I never understood at the time what he was doing. I always though ahh that’s because im not good enough my self esteem took a real knock when I would be told what if you leave me what will I do? then to be told who would want you?? how confusing I didn’t have a real perception off my self and I was still quite young. I guess that conditioning still stands with me somewhere deep down. I wonder if I will eve feel that I truly believe I am ‘good enough’ in this way ever again? xxxx

much love diymum

[diymum@1]

can I say too and this is a confession 🙁 I commented that he was getting a bald patch (detail removed by moderator)! he said that wasn’t very nice. god its not a big deal but I shouldn’t have said that. that was my insecurities talking. after making a criticism off him I feel awful and I am wondering how these abusive men can live with themselves doing this day in day out. I feel better getting this off my chest – may seem trivial xx bad day I guess and im not perfect x love diymum

[KIP.]

Hi, if my boyfriend smiled at every pretty lady that walked by, I’d be annoyed. How would he like it if you smiled at every handsome man that walked past? I don’t see the need to do that. Why is he being friendly to pretty women he doesn’t know? I think that is rude.
Commenting on his bald patch was just a comment, maybe insensitive but it wasn’t said to upset him or hurt him. I know however many men are really really sensitive about losing their hair. I would be exactly the same. It must be a real hit to your confidence.

[KIP.]

In answer to your question, no, you won’t always be vulnerable if you learn from your experiences and keep growing as a person. I almost dare my ex to get in touch now. I would drag his a*s back to the courts and he knows it. So no doubt he’s off looking for someone vulnerable.

[KIP.]

I bet your ex doesn’t think you’re that vulnerable victim he once knew. Once you stand up to a bully they move on. Mostly. Apart from the real twisted ones.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi sweetheart,

You are good enough. You and I know how alike our abusers were with knocking our confidence and self esteem right down and using other women to accomplish this. It changed us didn’t it. I didn’t use to be jealous or insecure about myself but they damage us so badly with this to keep us feeling “not good enough”. It’s damage done over time as well so that by the end, they barely had to do or say anything to invoke that feeling of not being good enough within us. It’s a sick thing to do to another human being, making them feel less than. And all the while they prey on the fear of abandonment in us. It’s truly sick behaviour.
You are good enough and you are wanted. I agree with KIP though, I wouldn’t like it either for a partner to be smiling at every pretty lady he doesn’t even know. I couldn’t imagine you would be smiling at every pretty man you don’t know. Sometimes we say things unfiltered and I think that was probably all that was in your comment about the bald patch, it’s interesting that he could tell you that wasn’t a nice thing to do but I’m guessing you didn’t tell him it’s not nice for you when he smiles at other women? Two wrongs don’t make a right, that’s not what I am suggesting at all, but perhaps working on boundaries is something you could do together? Not all boundaries can or should be seen as controlling, I think it’s healthy to be able to have boundaries and needs and stand by them. Not everyone will be able to meet those needs or respect those boundaries, but that doesn’t make you controlling. There’s a difference between controlling your partner’s every interaction with the opposite sex and asking they show you respect by not flirting with the opposite sex. Some people might be comfortable in relationships where they flirt with others, but equally others may not be. That doesn’t make them controlling, they just have a different set of boundaries. I know with my ex I was often left with no choice other than to accept whatever he did/wanted to do or be told I was controlling when the reality was that I didn’t have to accept his stories of other women/his abuse, but they make it so cloudy that we can’t see it would have been fine to say that their behaviour was unacceptable. They just made it impossible for us to do that though. Do you think it’s something you could talk to your partner about? Sometimes we just need that little bit of reassurance xx
None of us are perfect and I think like me you have been taught by your ex that your needs and your boundaries do not matter and so we’ve become fearful of speaking up when something crosses the line for us. Compromises are always important in relationships, but our exes didn’t compromise about anything and instead taught us that compromise was our attempt at controlling them. I saw a post a while ago about boundaries and found it really interesting. I think we can all heal and I think we can all get back to/forward to a place where we can be comfortable setting boundaries that are healthy for us. And in doing so, I also think we can feel good enough again. Because you aren’t just good enough DM, you are much much better xx

[fizzylem]

Aww DM, you are so lovely, such an amazing person that it breaks my heart to think of you struggling like this. Your ex was evil, because he exploited a number of vulnerabilities within you – which makes it complex to unravel and understand; it’s intertwined; and thus b****y confusing at times!

I would say that out of respect, a partner wouldn’t flirt, but if he’s just being friendly then where is the harm? I know when a man is flirting or making eyes at me and when they are only interested in being my friend – is it flirting or is it friendly? Or does it feel like a wandering eye maybe? Trust your gut, which I know is hard because your trust radar feels kind of scewed just now hey.

I do know that if you feel content in self and secure in the relationship (know where you stand with one another and feel you have committment and intimacy), have trust, then interactions with the opposite sex are not a problem – this is where you maybe need to get to isn’t it. There are beautiful women in the world, there are also beautiful men! It’s sometimes only human to notice – but notice only mind!

I never felt good enough for years, into my 30s, which originated from the maternal relationship, but I can honestly say I have let that go now, I felt it was so entrenched and part me for many years. For me healing came from self understanding, how I developed in relation to my parents and gaining self awareness – so I moved into feeling I know me, my flaws and my qaulities, why I am the way I am and I now like being me, feel comfortable in my own skin. I also learnt how to meet my needs and take care of me, this was a big part of it too, this helped me to position myself along side others, rather than feeling under them; I also learnt how to better understand my emotions and how to regulate these. Once you feel ok to be you not feeling good enough is squashed, and it doesn’t come back either – once you’ve overcome.

Once you feel ok to be you, I don’t think this would bother you anymore and you kind of adopt the attitude if he plays away then I’ll deal with it if that happens.

Or, it maybe in therapy you dig deep and face the reality, find your truth, and it turns out he’s not quite right for you – either way it will be ok x

[diymum@1]

awe thank you 🙂 you are one very strong lady not sure you know that! and like wise you are lovely and a very good person and mum 🙂

i know my strengths but sometimes (due to my bad experience) im unsure – i dont think big off myself but i was always taught not to be arrogant or be a big head. i see this is my confidence. i know he needs validation and that is insecurities xxxx relationships are hard i will get there and thanks to all you ladies for your support you have indeed helped me so much to come through this xxxx much love diymum

[Faraway]

Hi DM, don’t beat yourself up about the bald patch comment as you did not do it out of malice. It’s just a sensitive issue for him but you at least now know not to bring it up unless he wants to talk about. I can relate to what you are saying about being vunerabke. I always hide my emotions to the opposite sex which makes everyone think I’m so strong. But on the inside I feel not good enough , like if I had a cry or didn’t cope with anything it makes me think the guy would think I’m crazy or run for the hills. I think this will take me a while to overcome too! You are good enough, we all are! But that dreadful feeling of feeling insecure I know all Too well. If I had a partner who looked at every attractive girl walk by it would make me feel uneasy too. Maybe you could talk to your psychologist about how the best way to bring up this subject with him? I guess it’s a balance too! Does he make you feel loved and safe? Hoping you can work through this xx

[BeautyMarked]

First, I’m so happy to know that you have a lovely partner as it shows there is hope and life after abuse. I agree with KIP and I would also feel a bit put out by his constant need to get validation from the opposite sex. It’s rude, especially when you are with him.

I’m sad to know that you are struggling with these feelings. You are so wonderful and full of sound advice and empowering words for which I, like others here, am truly grateful.

I think your feelings are completely understandable especially in the context that you describe. Triangulation is an absolutely heinous thing to do to someone and I relate to it completely as I was triangulated with the fantasy girl as well as the ‘friend’. It’s insidious as it really gets to your core by sending that (false) message that your are not good enough or that you are wrong about something. It’s a disgusting thing to do and can only be performed by someone with zero empathy. I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the trigger for those feelings and nothing that you say is trivial. I’m sure there is part of whatever feelings they involved in us that linger and I suppose it’s up to us to harness that, be aware of it and use it to make ourselves better people as KIP also suggests.

Thank you so much for everything you do DM x

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