Wish I was still blind

[Username]

It’s been a while since I posted.

My eyes were opened to my abusive relationship some months ago now. Prior to that I was excusing it because of partner having schizophrenia and assuming it was part of the territory.

Since realising and researching, my eyes are open and I now see things for what they are (emotional abuse, coercion, control, sexual abuse, and maybe isolated physical incidents (different story for a different day)). I have read everything I can get my hands on (freedom programme, why does he do that, the Internet), have been meeting with a WA outreach worker. But I am now just aware of my prison.

I still feel as though the only way things will change is either if he does something horrific to me or his insane behaviour kills him or gets him locked up or one of us dies.

If anything, realising what I am going through has actually made it harder to deal with because I want so badly to regain some control, but just can’t. He outflanks me every single time. I wish I didn’t care anymore.

I have read about trauma bonding and am pretty convinced that is likely now the cause of my entrapment. Its like he knows exactly how far he can push me before turning back to Mr nice guy and making it impossible for me to leave. I find it so hard to believe he is toying with me even though I know he is on an academic level.

No never ever means no to this guy. Ever.

Recently I have gone back to self harming, he doesn’t know, I use invisible methods. I stopped self harming a long time ago (did it as a kid/young adult – emotionally abusive childhood too – it’s basically all I know)

I fear that I am gonna leave this situation in a coffin because I can’t break the d**n cycle, my self harming is often small overdoses, but even small ones over time are going to do damage.

I know I sound pathetic and that y’all are probably gonna tell me to run for the hills, and honestly, I wish I could make myself do just that but I just can’t.

Anyone have any ideas at all for things I can do to try nd break the hold he has over me? I am getting desperate……

[Tiffany]

I think that the key realisations I had that let me leave were firstly that I couldn’t do anything to fix our relationship or my partner. Like you me ex was mentally unstable as well as abusive. And for a long time I blamed the abuse on his mental health problems. Once I realised that he had a level of control over his actions and words (and you can’t gaslight accidentally) that helped me realise that only he could change our relationship and he wouldn’t. It all worked in his favour. He said jump and I said how high! It sounds like you are in that stage of realisation now.

My second key realisation was that I didn’t deserve the treatment I was getting. I mean logically I knew I didn’t deserve it. But actually truly believing that I didn’t deserve it was different. I had this mantra in my head “it’s ok to do what is best for me” that I repeated over and over. I started out with tiny acts of defiance – buying myself food I wanted at the supermarket instead of thinking about what he would want first. Walking home from the shops instead of taking the bus so I had 10 more minutes of quiet time on my own. And then I was devious – going to further away shops in the pretence of getting him a favourite item, but actually so I could get away from him (shopping, as you may have guessed was one of my permitted activities…). And all the time as I did these I reminded myself it was ok to do what was best for me. And after a few months that realisation hit that actually I did deserve what was best for me, and I didn’t have to always out him first. And what was best for me was to leave.

The final realisation, and thus didn’t fully hit until after I left, was that I could manage without him. It had been my big fear that kept me with him. I have a chronic illness and in the early days he did all the housework to convince me he I was reliant on him. I realised that the balance had shifted when I got a job working longer hours than him, and suddenly realised that I hadn’t been doing the lion’s share of the housework because I worked part time, it was because he had stopped helping round the house.

Honestly, I think you should run for the hills. You know that already. But we all understand that the decision to go is difficult. For some people they can do it immediately they realise there is abuse. For others of us it takes longer. In some ways you are further along than me when I left. I didn’t manage to label my partner’s behaviour as abuse, and I didn’t know the technical terms for what he was doing until after I left, which was when I discovered women’s aid. But obviously there are other things you need to sort out in your head before you can leave.

It might help, if you can, to keep notes on his behaviour. Mine helped me realise that the lovely kind interactions I craved from my abuser were rare in the extreme, and the abuse was common. That helped me when the trauma bond tugged after I left, because I could remind myself that I would probably not have got what I craved even if I had stayed.

[Escapee]

I think there are so many of us that are able to identify with what you are going through. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for a few years now but I know that’s not the answer – to leave is the answer. It’s taken me years and years to finally get to this point when I know I need to go – I leave (detail removed by moderator) and then leave the area a week after that. Yes, it’s scary. But staying is now a futile option as I know nothing will change. I’m taking the blame – I won’t make an effort to give him what he wants – I tried that for years – my efforts were never good enough.
Just keep talking to people who’ll support you; remember that you are good enough and important enough to allow yourself to put yourself first. I feel my words are somewhat inadequate but I hope they help in some small way. Hugs xx

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