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After I left him (detail removed by moderator), I went no contact. Since then he’s tried contacting me in ways that are frankly harrassing- calling at all hours of the day and night, texting from spoofed numbers, things like that. I will have to see him again at some point because all my stuff is still in the house with him, but honestly I have been afraid to talk to him. I don’t feel strong enough, and I think that’s partly because I am still minimizing the things he did to me. He was only physically violent towards my body a couple times – and even that was just minor, he did break quite a few walls and objects but I keep thinking that because what he did was mostly psychological and emotional, it’s not really that bad.
I recently found out that he has been corresponding prolifically with a woman who I think is one of his ex’s. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I feel profoundly jealous. He stopped harrassing me so much when I sent a text to one of my relatives (who has sided with him and been talking to him on at least (detail removed by moderator) basis) about how awful and harrassing he has been. So I figure my relative probably shared with him what I said. I should be grateful for the lessening of the harassment, but I’ve realized it was giving me some sort of validation. Like I feel so worthless on my own, even knowing that someone who had been so abusive still wanted me gave me that boost in my esteem. And I feel so terribly jealous about his correspondence with that other woman. That he could have spent so much time telling me how much he wants me back and still be talking to someone else is just dreadful.
I saw (detail removed by moderator) his updated photo on a social media site, and seeing that just made me miss him even more. He has some mental health issues, which of course the shelter in place is not helping, and I could see so clearly fro his face that he is not doing well mentally. It made me so sad. I want so, so, so badly to just go hold him and make everything better and fix him, even though I spent years trying to do that and, though he made a small amount of progress, it was at a high cost to my own needs.
I shouldnt feel jealous about someone who harmed me, and I should know that its not my responsibility to fix anyone else, ever. But nonetheless the feelings are there. I’m heartbroken and conflicted, wondering if I made the right decision to leave. Feeling like maybe I did do something dreadful to him by just cutting him off when he had no one else to turn to. -
You did nothing wrong. In the world of abusers he is typical and nothing special. Already involving another woman just shows the lack of any kind of emotional bond. My ex did the same.begging and promising all the while seeing a woman behind my back. It’s called triangulation. There’s nothing you can do for,him because in his mind he’s not the problem. The best thing to do is absolutely zero contact. Use this family member to collect your belongings. Any contact you have with him will be handing him the power back. It’s okay to be heart broken. That’s what abuse does. But you will recover from this. You will grieve for your relationship And the hopes you had in a healthy way. It’s all part of the healing process. Meanwhile he will always be the nasty controlling selfish Individual he is. For me the psychological damage far outweighs the physical. The physical is used to intimidate and make you fearful of him, to back up his controlling behaviour. I’m still in therapy many years later so don’t underestimate the mental damage caused. If you want to heal quicker then total zero contact and that includes looking at his Facebook and Locking down your social media and hearing about him from friends and family. And report his harrassment to the police. Once you’ve told him not to contact you and it continues in any shape or form then let the police know. You won’t always feel this was and you will get through it x
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In the initial stages of my leaving I felt I had to comfort him as he looked so distraught. But as I got stronger I realised he did this to himself. I didn’t cause him to lose weight, to cry like a lost child, he did. I still saw the child in him who had been abused, but I now see the man he is and that man abused me. It takes time to break the ties,trauma bonding I’m not sure ever goes away but if we try hard enough we can put mechanisms in place to help in the future.
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Iwantmeback, I’m so glad you got to the point where you could see him for what he truly is. Gives me some hope that I will get there someday too.
KIP, thanks for the book recommendations. It helps to know that my situation is not unique, and im glad you were able to get through your hardships too.
In terms of going to the police, I thought about doing it when things were really fresh and the harassment was constant, but i was afraid that if I did he would become angry and more dangerous. And now that the harassment has let up quite a lot, I worry that the police will not take me seriously because I waited so long. And I know the best thing would be to never see him again, but trusting that family member to take care of getting my belongings is something I don’t think I can do because that person was already supposed to do that a couple times but never came through. In fact in some ways I want my ex to be there when I go back to get my stuff, because I am afraid he might hide some of my things with his belongings so I want to be able to have him prove that he isn’t keeping anything of mine. And if I went through his things without him there, I am afraid he would accuse me or someone who was there with me of stealing, because he has insinuated that in the past. So I am dreading having to make contact with him but also feel it’s unavoidable. I suppose the best thing would just be to get it over will as soon as possible, but I haven’t yet felt strong enough to put a plan in motion. I suppose I’ll get there soon though. I know that once I feel that this burden is off my shoulders, things will be so much better.
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