Wishing I hadn’t apologised

[Indeepindance]

I’m feeling a great sense of injustice today that after I left my partner during a nasty argument where we insulted each other, I wrote to apologise for my part in that and that I should have maintained my composure instead of reacting. I also asked how I’d been affecting him and invited him to talk to me.

Now I can’t move past regretting my apology when I remember everything he said to me and the fact he has completely ignored me. I guess I’m worried it looks as though I’ve accepted all fault and I know he would see it that way regardless.

Even though I’m glad I’ve been the bigger person and apologised, I would love to tell him the truth about his abusive behaviour to clean my slate but can’t decide whether it’s a good idea.

It’s just eating away at me and making me feel silly for showing him kindness and apologising when he is still treating me so badly, I don’t know how to make it go away. I hate the thought of him twisting events and telling people things about me that aren’t true.

Any advice would be great, Thanks.

[Bananaboat]

If those people believe his version without question then those people are not your people. They’ll be his flying monkeys who blindly believe him and fuel his behaviour- whether they realise it or not and he’ll have carefully selected who he tells for this exact reason. In other words, don’t worry what others think – you know the truth.

I get the guilt about the apology because in normal circumstances both parties would accept fault for their parts, say sorry, maybe learn something, make up and move on. These relationships don’t sadly. And questioning yourself and your actions is all part of the plot to kill your individual personality traits one by one. As long as you’ve not accepted responsibility for his parts (which they want) then I’d say hold your head high, you’re the bigger person for accepting your part and recognise it’s a big red flag when you a) can’t talk to him, b) worry about his reactions and c) know he’ll twist it to others. Think about getting out if you can as it’ll only get worse x

[Indeepindance]

Bananaboat thank you so much for your reply and assessment of the situation, it has really helped to remind me that I can’t control his reaction to anything that’s happened or anything I could say to them now. No less anyone else he tells.

Luckily I got myself out but have been struggling with confusion over the decision which happened very suddenly during a row after he picked on me for something trivial. It had been the last straw and I saw red, hence having felt I’d overreacted. I’ve since been blocked and had to write a letter to him with my apology. How I regret that now! Which is why I was considering a final letter outlining his contribution over the past few years to what happened in the end. I just don’t know whether it’s worth it, could it make things worse?

[Bananaboat]

Maybe write it but don’t send it? Ask yourself what do I hope this letter will do? If your answer is for him to accept responsibility or apologise then save your energy and don’t send it as he’ll never accept that and may potentially use it as a hook to try to reel you back in or a weapon against you yo support his victim story. If the answer is to stop your mind procrastinating and help heal yourself then maybe write it but don’t send it. You’ve been very brave to leave and it’s really hard when there’s loose ends but you’re playing chess while he’s playing monopoly and the two will never align. 🙂

[Indeepindance]

Bananaboat I love your analogy at the end there!! And you’re right, when I think about it I’m effectively continuing to over-explain my behaviours which never served me well whilst I was still there. It just gave him more ammo to humiliate me with- ‘Listen to how defensive you sound, you know I’m right and that you’re guilty’ Grrrr that used to wind me right up after he’d led me into having to stand up for myself.

I’ve written it- will sit on it and grace him with my silence in return. If nothing else, he won’t get the clues from me how to conduct himself in his next relationship- let him make the same mistakes and stay miserable!

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