Wishing I hadn’t left

[cakepops]

I can’t say this in real life, so I just need to let it out here.

I have spent all week wishing I had never left my ex. The rational part of my brain tells me I did the right thing, that I was protecting my children, that in the end if I had stayed he would have seriously hurt me or the children or himself.

But…

I am so worried about the damage that my children spending so much time with their dad is causing. When we were together they were exposed to DV, which is the reason I got the courage to leave. However they spent very little time with him, and he had very little influence over them. He has much much more time with them now, and I am not there to help shield them.

He has a new partner and although they are in the honeymoon stage I’m certain it won’t last. At the very least they will be exposed to manipulative/toxic relationship in one form or another I am sure.

More importantly I am facing increasing issues with the children being used against me and being told horrendous things about me. They are full of anxiety and sleep issues when they come back but (detail removed by Moderator).  I also feel like I am slowly losing my kids. He bombards them with toys, treats, trips, holidays etc deliberately to win them over. They fawn and mask and are excellently behaved in his care so everyone thinks he’s the best parent ever. Ex sucks up to school and GP etc and they love him. Meanwhile I deal with all he anger and hatred and anxiety and so services worry about my parenting.

Ultimately he wants residency of the children. Not because he wants them, but because he hates me. (Detail removed by Moderator). The children don’t see/recognise his behaviour towards them or me, so there’s no hope they will tell someone.

We do have good times, and I plan fun things in my budget. But ultimately things are getting worse and I don’t see much hope ahead.

[searchingforhope]

I totally get why you would feel that way but please try not to be so hard on yourself. They are such good manipulators its frightening. Horrible to think there are so many of us in these messes.
I’m very nervous of what he says to my kids too. Terrified of what’s going on inside their heads.
You have shown your ultimate love for your kids trying to protect you and them. Keep doing what your doing. It is stressful and tiring but your doing great. They fact that they show those emotions with you is testament to the fact that they can be themselves and let it out with you so you are their rock. They are tip toeing around him, just as i’m sure you did for a long time.
Keep doing what you are doing. The kids know who is really there for them. x*x

[Watersprite]

Really really feel for you. Life after DA is hard sometimes it feels all you do is pick up the pieces of the mess they created. BUT – it does get better you are so brave your children in the longer term are better off you are setting a standard for them in their adult lives and relationships. It’s a longer term bigger picture x Feel proud of yourself for coming so far and protecting your children – reach out for support and listening ears sending a hug

[Camel]

Hi Cakepops

I was an abusers new girlfriend and got to know his kids on visitation, one weekend in three.

I thought it was obscene how he spoilt them with new games, meals out or takeaways, visits to theme parks. He didn’t know the children as individuals. He never had a meaningful conversation with any of them. I thought it odd that he never spoke to them in between visits.

Basically, he was just a really c**p dad.

The kids played along with it. Obviously they loved getting new stuff and being spoilt but they came to realise it was a transaction.

Contact dwindled to nothing once they grew up and didn’t have to go.

[Author]

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