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I’ve just registered here in the hope I can get some strength from others. After many many years of experiencing what I believe to be emotional and sometimes physical abuse, I’ve finally asked my husband to leave. But, already I feel myself weakening. I’m embarrassed, scared of being broke and alone at my age. It’s so much easier to stay in the marriage. It isn’t always bad, We do have some good times..
A little bit of how I got here. This is my second marriage, problems began as quickly as our honeymoon, with my husband being verbally abusive, telling me he’d made a mistake. I was pregnant and in my late (detail removed by Moderator). The pregnancy was planned. He wanted a child, I have children from my first marriage who are grown now but did live with us at the start. His ‘red mist’ episodes continued throughout our marriage, he drinks, has a temper, loses control and attacks me verbally and occasionally physically by throttling me. He tells me it’s me that drives him to to it, it’s just a bit of pushing and shoving. I nag, I have OCD, I’m stupid, all his friends think he’s hen pecked, he tells me I have no friends. He’s right I suppose as the girlfriends are those from the friends we have as a couple. We don’t talk, we’ve not been intimate for a long time, we don’t even cuddle, he tells me it feels awkward. He puts me down in front of other people, challenges what I say to make me look stupid. And then….. he’s charming, tells others how fabulous I am and proud he is of me. It’s abuse…but he doesn’t think it is, just me being dramatic. So I apologise for upsetting him and then feel loved when he shows me the slightest bit of affection. So I pretend, put on a face, laugh at his inappropriate behaviour when we’re out. Make excuses for him. Be the good wife. Stay. Why do I do that? Why do I continue to torture myself and our daughter whose now in her late (detail removed by Moderator). Why can’t I let go….what is wrong with me! Do I need counselling? Am I crazy… I’m so low. I feel trapped..he wont let go easily I know. The ‘intellectual’ side of me knows he’s a little insecure, he’s older, losing his looks and status, I’m not bad for my age, socially confident, people like me, funny, loyal, proud, a good mum (I Think!) but yes…..maybe stupid? Stupid for letting this continue all these years
I don’t really know what I want from writing this down. Maybe just confirmation that I’m not mad, it isn’t all me, I’m not stupid but I do feel like I’m about to fall over mentally. Just maybe there is hope for a better life? ..if I just stick to my guns… get him to leave. Thank you for listening. -
As the saying goes weebles wobble but they dont fall down. Anyone else remember that or am I showing my age? Anyway basically you are totally allowed to have a wobble but dont fall down dont back down now.
What you describe isnt nice behaviour at all not at all and you have been so brave to tell him to leave my goodness im still with mine pretending life is great 🙄 you must have known this isnt right that you arent happy to be able to tell him to leave remember what led you to that point, remember how he makes you feel, write those feelings down, talk to womans aid they can help you further read posts on here you are certainly amongst friends now the power that these people have over us is increadable unbelievable the more you read the more you understand about the cycle of abuse about how manipualting they can be the more you will hopefully know that you have made the right decision.
You are not stupid
You are not mad
You are not to blame
You are amazing to have tried for so long.
Now time to have a life you deserve to have.
Good luck xxxx -
You are not to blame for any of his behaviour. It sounds like you are being incredibly strong right now, as you always have been. Try and cling onto that strength and leave, and know you are doing the right thing. You deserve to feel safe, loved and cherished. No one deserves to be abused.
I am proud of you x
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You are NOT stupid and you do NOT deserve to live like this for the rest of your life. Welcome to the forum, you’ve come to the right place because what you’re describing is abuse, he’ll never accept it as that but you’ll know. Others will tell you, it’s a journey with ups and downs from here on in. Take this time to learn about abuse, some fab resources I’ve used thanks to this forum are Lundy Bancroft’ ‘why does he do that’, Pat Craven’s ‘living with the dominator’, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube, read about the abuse cycle, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance. Check out the freedom programme. Knowledge is power and will keep you sane. Whether you stay or go is part of the journey but knowing what you’re dealing with, gives you back some control and sanity. Hang in there x x
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Hey Endoftheroad, you are married to an abuser, you ARE NOT stupid. Also, you mention his red mist episodes, how he has a temper and loses control…. he doesn’t lose control, he knows exactly what he is doing to you. Your husband knows when to behave. The alcohol is not making him be abusive and nobody/nothing makes him be abusive, that’s all on him and none of it is your fault x
Living with the Dominater is a great book to start with. Take baby steps, also keep a journal of the abuse, emotional abuse and how it felt, as a diary, I wrote in my notes section in my phone.
Welcome to the forum, you are in the right place with women who understand, take care and keep posting ❤
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