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Having a bad evening. Police are letting me down at the moment and my geographical area is spectacularly bad at supporting DA victims. Tonight I have felt so low, I was thinking of giving up with the police action, wondering if my ex was that bad and feeling drawn back to him, missing him. I haven’t contacted him, instead Iha E come on here.
My local police force follow the current trend and trumpet out that women should report coercive control and they will listen. It’s not true. What makes it worse is my local force is predominantly women in the higher ranks.
I had to ring 101 three times asking to speak to a DA officer about coercive control as they kept saying someone would come out to see me, I waited in and no one showed. Then a female 101 call handler said no one coming to see me and my case “will be disposed of by a phone call”. Disposed of……. When I said I was happy to initially discuss over phone, but would need to see someone to hand over evidence, she said “why would anyone need to come to see you?” in a sarcastic tone. So I said I had evidence and knew it was relevant so got told I wasn’t going to get any preferential treatment. That was just the start…
A desk person rang me but from the wrong area as 101 had failed to record my postcode. She was nice and said it had to go to Investigations as serious. She said coercive control cases in my local police force were rare, just a few tagged on to assault charges.
Then a pc from a neighbouring town contacted me saying it had arrived on his desk. He said he not sure why as it beyond him and he was just a 999 response officer. He came to see me. He said he had never heard of any coercivecontrol cases in the county, he didn’t know what was involved in proving the offence, he thought conditional cautions were the usual punishment for DA offences when an offender had no previous convictions (totally wrong). He saw evidence, said it serious and I high risk on DASH scores and it needed go to Investigations but they may not take it as notlike these sort cases so it may be left with him. He said he would do his best fit it in, but it too much for him fitting it in around 999 duties as it a complicated case with lots of evidence and witnesses. He said there would have to be video interviews but he wasn’t trained to do them so would have to try to sort something. He was nice, but young and obviously not familiar with anything about DA.
He was supposed to ring me this week but didn’t. (detail removed by Moderator) I get a call from a civillian worker asking if I want a referral to Victim Support. She said the pc still named on the case but he off on leave (detail removed by Moderator). I said I needed support… to deal with the police. She told me to ring 101 to find out what was happening. I did. After 45 minutes I gave up waiting.
What is the point? Just what is the point? I know it was serious, I know my ex is dangerous to others, and Iknow he has caused huge damage to me but the police are making me feel worthless. I am starting to doubt myself, think it can’t have been that bad, I am making an idiot of myself and I have started missing my ex.
Just need a prod back onto the right track really and some strength to carry on as I just feel like giving up. -
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Hi Marmot. Sorry you’re going through this. I found very mixed responses from the police. Things were easier once I had involvement with Women’s Aid as they helped me navigate all that. In the end my ex got arrested for stalking rather than CC but I think that the court and police took it seriously because of his criminal record (Claire’s Law disclosure revealed a long list of women he’d abused (stalking, cc, and physical violence). In that regard I was lucky. He did end up breaching his restraining order, even hanging around the village I’d relocated to) and the police weren’t at all interested when I reported this. Women’s Aid assure me that all officers get thorough training about cc / abuse but it didn’t feel like that. The only police I spoke to who seemed properly clued up were higher ranking detectives who got allocated because of my ex’s past. I’ve stopped engaging with the police generally after I did one of those horrible questions lists with them and when I answered yes to one about sexual violence was asked “didn’t you ever think to just tell him no?” (Which given the history and my situation suggested that there was no understanding really). I disengaged and lost all faith in them at that point.
If you haven’t already spoken with a women’s aid perhaps you could do that. My WA caseworker had conversations with the police for me, and really helped me navigate it all. At other times it meant I had someone I could open up to about what had happened (I didn’t want to put family or friends though all the details and upset them,so they couldn’t really understand my fear or anxiety around it all. Sometimes it provided me with a sanity check as by the time I left I didn’t know what way was up some days. Exhaustion and trauma took its toll.
Please don’t give up with the police and go back to your ex though. You left for good reasons. And he’s likely to get worse, not better.
Take care.
GR
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I had to report my ex to the police because he recorded me without my consent and gave me silent treatment when questioning. Anyway at the end of it he (detail removed by moderator) advice to delete anything on his from of me.
What I still don’t understand is he didn’t respond to the PC or me just to apologise and accept his mistake. I have been seeing someone from the victim’s support unit and she’s great but my worry is my ex will come back for me for reporting him as he is currently in prison serving time for (detail removed by moderator). My affair was very toxic where he abused me emotionally, financially and psychologically and Im still learning coming to terms with the above. I’m not sure who to go to as I’m unable to do a molestation order because there has to be a incident within 10 days, and he’s on prison who can I seek advice from? Citizens advice bureau adviced me a few legal solicitors? Is there anyone else?
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