WOC and migrant X White Male British

[Maga]

Hello fellow beautiful warriors,

I’m new here – I have decided to leave my abusive relationship but I’m terrified.

I have a toddler ((detail removed by Moderator) y/o) and have absolutely no financial independence nor emotional support as I’m a migrant.

I do have rights to public funds as I have a settled status, but that doesn’t make it any easier to leave since I’ll be homeless.

The prospect of being in a refuge with my toddler is simply terrifying as his genitor does provides us with a very good life in this big, big expensive city. He has a flat of his own, works for himself (and salary wise he’s on the (detail removed by Moderator) per annum) but is indeed a rageaholic (detail removed by Moderator) and his cohersive control is just making me feel suffocated.

He has always verbally, emotionally and financially abusive towards me but never struck me per se, but started with shoving, locking me in a room when I wasn’t engaging with his raging behaviour and not allowing me to go to my baby at night when he’s ill.
I managed to record with the baby  monitor some of these situations so do have some evidence. But he always threatens me to seek full custody of my baby as he has money to fight and always says I’m not fit to take care of our son-  which is not true as I’m a great mother and he knows it.

I’m an international mom so cannot leave the country with my baby to seek support from my country because of The Hague convention.

I speak three languages, traveled the world and I studied a lot. I do work on (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s difficult to think about what will come of me and my baby when we flee the abuse.

Any thoughts for me? I have no one in this country.

 

Thanks ❤️

[Lisa]

Hi Maga,

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing with us here.

Your situation sounds difficult but there is support available, you don’t have to face leaving alone. Refuge is one option for accommodation but it isn’t the only one and it’s really important that you’re in control of the decisions about what you want to happen. Refuges are temporary, safe accommodation where you would have support on site, part of which would be support to help you find somewhere more permanent to move on to. You can read more about refuges in the Survivor’s Handbook. To discuss other options, you could speak to a Support Worker through our Live Chat service.

It’s really common for abusers to use threats around custody to keep their control because they know how huge and impactful the thought of not being able to see your child is. However, their threats are often not based in the reality of what they can actually do. Finding out about your rights can be really empowering. Rights of Women can provide free legal advice and specialise in areas of law often needed around domestic abuse. They have family law advice guides available on the website and an adviceline to call. Coram is a children’s charity and their Child Law Advice website has lots of information on it about family law as it relates to children, they also have a helpline and web chat service.

You deserve to be supported to leave safely. You could reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing, specialist support. Services vary but they should be focused on supporting you to understand your options and decide what you want to do while helping you stay safe.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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