- This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 3 weeks ago by
Bluebirds.
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7th August 2024 at 7:07 am #170408
Bluebirds
ParticipantSo I’ve woke up really early this morning after a dream.
I’ve not been with my partner now for a while. I can’t stop thinking about all different memories. I’ve woke up today thinking how evil he is and his manipulative covert ways. How do you possibly explain instances to someone that are so covert and under the radar. Eg… my birthday meal he didn’t speak to me all night got really tense on the drive up as a friend was messaging me. I had to try cover it up. At the meal he did nit say a word to me I could feel his tension and aura. Thing is no one notices this but Me so how do you explain this? Just makes me sound petty ? There is so many instances that he done this sort of thing mentally exhausting and I’m feeling really really depressed thinking about it all. Has anyone experienced this? How do I stop thinking about it? He’s damaged me so much. He’s still using his tactics to control me since I’ve left. I’m hanging on in there but i Can’t wait until the house is sorted but I don’t think his control will end. I’m waiting for smear campaigns and him making out I’m a nonster for leaving him when ‘he’s at his lowest’ in his eyes.
I can’t help but feel scared… đ
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8th August 2024 at 10:38 am #170450
Lisa
Main ModeratorHi Bluebirds,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. This doesn’t make you sound petty- with the example you gave- he was controlling the atmosphere- you were in a constant state of anxiety and he was choosing to sabotage something that should have been a celebration for you. It is exhausting to deal with and you can never relax or feel free to be yourself.
You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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9th August 2024 at 10:05 am #170490
Bananaboat
ParticipantIs it covert and hidden? Donât get me wrong Iâm 100% like you and think I canât explain this to people and they donât understand but over time Iâve realised a few things which might help.
1) A lot of the things we think are subtle, arenât – like ruining our birthdays is pretty huge.
2) Less detail can be more effective – Iâd feel like I had to give every detail to try and justify why I felt bad or to explain his actions but actually saying less can make it clearer, for example if someone said their partner had ruined their birthday most people would say thatâs awful but if we go into detail around how then it opens up more questions or peopleâs perception but, at the end of the day does it matter what he did step by step if you felt awful?! Hope Iâve explained that ok.
3) People had suspicions or negative feelings about him – many of my friends have said they never warmed to my ex or felt something was off with either him or me (being quieter or changing my behaviours). I had colleagues who made a fuss of my birthday because they knew he wouldnât although they knew not to be blunt and say this. This one can hit hard because you think why didnât you tell me but in truth would I have listened at the time.
counselling really helps and learning about abusive tactics helps you recognise it wasnât you. Those dreams are hard because it brings it all back so be kind to yourself and do something for you today xx
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9th August 2024 at 10:43 am #170491
Karisqq
ParticipantFor me I still constantly being affected by the abuserâs words and views on me, even I donât stay with them now. I try to acknowledge the impact of the abuse and to allow myself to feel those emotions, and then Iâll reach out my supporting network (sometimes it can be a helpline) and professional help. Also, I try to do things I love, such as playing some musical instruments or empowering ppl by reading and replying forums. Sometimes we feel lonely bc we lost the connection with the outside world, or we feel like no one understands us. Itâs hard to find the right thing to do and the right ppl to help, but it worths trying. Itâs tough, but itâll pass, and youâll thrive. Thereâs a say: good medicine tends to be bitter.
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9th August 2024 at 12:25 pm #170495
Bluebirds
ParticipantThankyou for your words. Definitely lonely. I feel like I’ve lost all connection with people and when I do interact over the years its like I’m forcing and putting on a front. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have a support worker now so I feel these are big steps for My healing. Praying for that time of thriving!
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9th August 2024 at 12:14 pm #170494
Bluebirds
ParticipantThankyou for those tips means so much you take the time. Ruining birthdays is huge and it was pretty much every year and also Christmas. He made me feel awful when he didn’t buy me any presents one year. He had a bag full of presents off me but got fuming had a row and didn’t open them until later on in the day, after Me consoling him etc don’t worry about not getting me anything trying to get him out of his mood. We turned up at my (detail removed by Moderator) house like nothing had happened. I felt anxious whole time I was there. Its so sad đ he always gets weird when friends or colleagues make a fuss of me even just sending flowers to my house. Its like I can’t be happy about it?? I can’t show my emotions.
My friends from years ago did try and warn me but I wasn’t having any of it. I’m so gutted. Now I don’t see or speak to them. I’ve recently reached out to one and she said shall I congratulate you now or later.
I’m waiting for some counselling through my local Da service. Hope this will help. I’ve had him messaging me last few days playing the victim trying to get in my head. Feel so sad right now. How do you get on with life knowing how he has treated you? And no one knowing inc his family. Makes me so mad that his parents will never know the real him. Does this make anyone else mad? Will this feeling end?
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9th August 2024 at 10:33 pm #170513
Bananaboat
ParticipantAnger is perfectly normal and a good thing, sadness too. Those friends they donât sound like your people, how rude to send you that message. As for his family, they know – they raised him. As lonely as it feels right now, now is the time to get to know you. We lose who we are, what we like etc in these relationships and how on earth can we make new connections until weâre comfortable with ourselves. So watch some tv, listen to music and go outside, smile at the shopkeeper and make little connections until you feel ok m. Youâve got this, youâre stronger than you know x
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11th August 2024 at 9:53 pm #170548
deerinheadlights
ParticipantI know how you all feel and then some on many different levels when it comes to these issues! I’m a very detailed person, but I will simplify it the best I can! Its also hard sometimes to put these things into words for many different reasons, this is also my very first post! I have been& still going through this for several years now! Everything that I have read on here so far from many of you ARE completely True 100%. Yet Im still putting up with it my self & yet I ask myself why, I know the answer as on what I need to do,it is just so hard though as we have been together for so long. gotta go for now he just rang my door bell and is here i will continue this chat later. bye for now!
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22nd August 2024 at 12:11 pm #170841
Bluebirds
ParticipantI know how you feel. When you see everything for what it is… its so hard to unsee it! I also felt like you that I couldn’t leave but I did it as my mental health was so bad. I could not stop the memories it was consuming me. My whole adult life just down the drain. Im nearly 2 months out and going through a rollercoaster of emotions. Sending love to you. You got this x
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12th August 2024 at 1:12 am #170549
deerinheadlights
ParticipantHi again, I’m back for a moment. Sorry I had to go there for a few! can not chat long as I’m sure he will be back soon! He does not like to leave me for long periods of time, unless he is at work, but even then he hates being away from me it seems! I feel completely smothered by him, metaphorically speaking! He has his own place, however he is at my house most always! I literally don’t hardly have any time away from him! Anyway, he is super controlling even though he says he is not, his actions show different! And Like bluebirds was saying he ruins pretty much most holidays including my birthdays, unless by a chance it benefits him for him not to do so but that rarely happens! I’m a roller coaster of emotions because of him and to say the least it is so exhausting, I’m exhausted, which is an understatement!!! I could write a book about it and all the stuff he has said & done over the years we have been together! we were together the first time for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs and it seem like 20 years because of everything he has put me through, then we split up for about (detail removed by Moderator) I was starting to heal on my own with counseling and then (detail removed by Moderator) we ran into each other at a public place and started talking again and before I knew it we were back together he had sucked me back in as he is quite charming! and we have been together this time for (detail removed by Moderator) now and about 3 months in the old patterns from the first time we were together started to slowly seep back in! Then I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt anyways just to see and I should not have because I was soon back in the same boat with him as I was the first (detail removed by Moderator) years we were together and I feel so foolish for that and the fact that we are still together blows me away so I even feel more foolish! I never knew what gas lighting and n********m was until I started researching it and most thing that I researched that glove fit him to a T perfectly!!! He is a gas lighter big time, blame shifts, the whole nine!!! Just for one example because there is to much to list here, (detail removed by Moderator) he was at my house then planted a note (detail removed by Moderator) didn’t know that at the time though and then accused me that note being from another man and so therefore He said that I had another man in my house when he wasn’t around, and then when he showed it to me I could tell it was his writing, even though he said it wasn’t when I asked him if he wrote the note, crazy , right!! He has always accused me of this though meaning of cheating on him!!! AND THE LIST GOES ON!!! I will post more tomorrow, he will be at work then thank goodness, he will be back soon!!
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21st August 2024 at 10:46 am #170807
hellokitty
ParticipantHi Bluebird, sorry to hear what you are having have to go thorugh… I wonder if you are going through different stages of healing? Sorry I think I learned in one of the Bloom courses but I can’t remember the exact stages (obviously I need to go back and watch it again!) I’m yet to leave but think I am at Anger stage, where thinking back of what he’s said & done, now knowing that they were all manipulation, it angers me so much. Angry at perpetrator and at myself, for gaslighting my feelings for so long. I would imagine I will go through different emotions including despression when I manage to leave…emotional roller coster…
I’m relatively close to his family and they have been really lovely, so it is pretty devastating to think he will go on his smear campaign and paint me in a bad light when I leave. A monster who took his kids away after all he’s done for his family…I can only hope that they will eventually see the truth. Do you think his family’s never realised he’s manipulative? That’s one question I have for his family too. My perpetrator seem to behave so much better infront of his family memeber who seem to have “higher social status”, but not infront of someone who he sees beneath him. He would actively bully that family member so they should know he’s abusive….but they haven’t shown any concerns for me, so it’s all strange.
I keep telling myself that all I can do is to protect and prioritize my safety and well-being. Do you have any caseworker from DA charity working with you? I hope you can get a support it’s sad to hear you are scared. Sending you hugs and keep posting xx
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22nd August 2024 at 12:07 pm #170840
Bluebirds
ParticipantHello kitty- thankyou for your comment. I was also at the angry stage whilst in the relationship, for quite some time. I was getting outbursts and getting mean which I didn’t like. My mental health and wellbeing was suffering so bad one day I decided to leave for good after going back and for for a few months. It was honestly torture. I still feel angry but I feel really depressed now too. As you said its the stages of grief. I will be taking a look at the bloom course as many have recommended this.
Where you say your close to his family. I thought I was but I’ve not heard off any of them since leaving- not one word. Very odd I find. I got blocked on social media by one of his family members before we split up for good and this made Me furious. I’m trying to not let it effect me but it really did. Its slowly starring to not bother me as much but the smear campaigns worry me. As much as I know the truth , he is this amazing person to others. And of course I left him when he’s at his lowest so now I’m the monster.
I have a support worker now who I’ve been speaking to last few weeks and has referred me for counselling. This rollercoaster of grief and emotions is awful. Trauma bond is real!!
Hope you get through the anger stage – it really isn’t nice. Do all you can for you right now. Do something you enjoy as hard as it is x
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