Women coming here…

[Hazydayz]

Women like me? might get the initial responses to their 1st posts? things like welcome! We understand, we’re here for you, keep posting! you want to believe! I had one welcome that said…hope you find what you hope to find? I thought at the time…What does she mean? But I didn’t Judge? Cause nobody Judges anyone here I read. Hmmm…. How come? people can’t just be honest! It’s really, Choosing who we want to respond to! But! Some bright spark, sold us the idea that we’re all soul sisters? Well meaning maybe? What does that imply? Oh yes! We are here all of us arn’t we? Trying to sort ourselves? Support each other. Together! Women’s aid? We look to other women, victims to understand? Support each other! Joining the club, for ourselves and others. Aided, by mutual help, advice & support of each other! arn’t we? So why then? Are women left to just disappear! likely seen but unread, unheard and likely, feeling unsupported? Carried off daily by a never ending stream of women and newcomers. All asking the same or similar questions, seeking help, advice, support, solidarity! These women, Who might one day, realise sadly! The truth! Isn’t it that, there’s those that say and those that do and no help for you maybe? Is that why I see some women vanishing? Only to return again, weeks,months, years later, hoping for some aid this time? Maybe Lisa will answer that?

[queenmaeve]

I am in agreement with many of your points. I feel like we are all different from all walks of life and we should be able to talk honestly and to the point to each other without being ticked off by moderators! I have been in a lot of these women’s shoes and at the time would have appreciated someone who shoots from the hip with advice and not skirt around the issue with pleasantries. Just my tuppence worth!

[Hazydayz]

Hi Queenmaeve, thanks for your reply. I’m glad you feel you can relate to some points I raised in my direct post! I wasn’t holding back that day! & Yes! I believe, I did raise without being unpleasant, some valid points I believe too, that I wanted to address on the behalf of women in need! But my point wasn’t to point responsibility for lacking in any way at womens aid. I know it’s frustrating sometimes having your posts moderated, but also it’s done to protect women, we are told, arn’t we! We have to understand that and learn over time to become adept at guessing whole of posts. It’s the supporting of each other individual women! that should matter, really! You think? Hope you find lots of support here to suit your needs💞

[Anonymous]

I agree. We’re all equal in terms of why we’re here and all been or have been through very traumatic events and seems like it has been a very long time for most of us. I was reading some previous threads last night and shocked at the level of violence that some women have to encounter on a day to day basis. I haven’t seen these people post again. You can’t help but presume the worse could of happened and wonder if they are okay.

[Hazydayz]

Hi again Turtledove, yes I know! Awful isn’t it what women here have been put through! My point is, that they don’t want to be made to feel? they have to listen! comply! do as their told by anyone else! Well meaning though it might be? The advice given to those seeking it here, follows their just wanting to be heard, cared about, I feel! And there’s those that are wanting help and advice, to be directed! But all here come to feel the gentle? Female! support of other women who understand? Surely! So they can believe? Hopefully! In solidarity of abused women, and brighter future possibilities and lives. 💞

[diymum@1]

It’s really difficult as you say we are from all walks of life all over the world actually on here. We need face to face groups – I’ve never really been offered this. A good idea is setting up a watts app group for the women that you feel you could connect with ? We have a small watts app group and the ladies are so genuine xx it’s an idea ? It’s unfortunate that there isn’t really enough support out there for women xx I mean women’s aid have been a god send to me but they’re so underfunded xx you know I didn’t realise it but women’s aid is a feminist run charity xx I didn’t realise that ! X

[Anonymous]

From my experience of being a newbie, I have found reading other people’s posts very helpful aswell as connecting with women who are going through similar events and sharing experiences. This forum has helped me even more, honestly! I also love that women’s aid is a feminist run charity xx

[Hazydayz]

Turtledove, you raise valid points? Reading what’s written here does help to understand abuse but at times leaves individual support lacking! You think? Maybe that’s what happens to all those poor women never seen again after posting their stories here, who don’t get a response to their asking for understanding? support of the women here. There’s so many women coming here! So many here trying! So many women here maybe? Not realising? Not wanting to be! But, numb to others feelings, needs to connect, because of their own living with abuse that maybe left them with some unrealised numbness? Maybe, those women out there, looking in here, see that? And in here, in time, we all, just resign to become hardened to it all! That’s sad isn’t it! Along with…what became of them? Those never seen or heard of again? Life goes on they say…? Let’s hope it does and it gets better!💞

[Hazydayz]

Hi diymum@1 and thanks for your reply to my post. Wow! I loved your suggestions for women’s support & supporting women, through what’s app? Yes, it’s a world wide problem abuse isn’t it! That could really bring face to face the women seeking support from each other couldn’t it just! But! The dangers of it have to be considered don’t they! So Yes! Thank goodness for women’s aid! And the work they do, allowing us this opportunity to support each other? Whilst, Keeping us safe! Long may it be funded!I had no knowledge of it being a feminist run charity? Go Girls!💞

[Lisa]

Hi Hazydayz,

I’m sorry to read that you are feeling negatively about the amount of support you, or other women are receiving, or that you, or others, are disappointed with the forum.

The forum now has thousands of users and is incredibly active, therefore some posts are missed by other users, or do not receive as many responses. The moderator reads all of the forum content which takes a lot of time, and as we are a charity, the moderator does not have capacity to respond to all of the posts.

The forum is designed to be a safe, welcoming and supportive place, which is why some details or overly harsh or blunt comments are removed. Some users find a tougher approach helpful, whereas, we know this can have an incredibly detrimental and triggering effect on others. We need to prioritise safety and wellbeing whilst giving users the freedom to be honest which can be difficult to balance.

Many local specialist domestic abuse services offer emotional support, counselling and support groups if users feel they need extra support. Local services can be found here. Bear in mind that local Women’s Aid services/domestic abuse services are run independently (are not linked as one organisation) and are charity services trying their best to support as many women as possible.

I hope this helps.

Take care,
Lisa

[Hazydayz]

Thankyou Lisa for your reply to my post recently. I do want to say, It was not my aim to criticize women’s aid! I’m sorry you misunderstood me? by my mentioning in my post…questioning? are some women aided here? by some who would seem to dictate or make newcomers feel confused later? By all that’s said! Or not said! Or no reply to them? That’s why I mentioned…maybe Lisa can answer?I do appreciate the service provided here and the enormity of the effort it takes by the women? Who make this safe and supported space available to women seeking support and advice from other women here. I would not ever deliberately, undermine the valuable work that womens aid is doing to change women’s & children’s lives. I Thankyou 💞

[Benson]

This is one of the first times I have added a comment to someone’s post, so please bare with me!
I read Hazydayz post and I had tears. It totally summed up some of my feelings when I post on here. In fact the latest incident, I have not bothered, I have suffered in silence and kept it all to myself. I do want to say this is a great place to share and learn from other posts. When I have had some of my darkest moments with my abuser this forum was a place I could escape to, so thank you. However there has been times when a post hasn’t been acknowledged or I have had a one line response which has instantly made me think I am not believed, or it can’t be that serious or I am just being silly. I then don’t bother for a few weeks or months. I totally understand this is a charity run forum and there
Must be hundreds of posts, but I am just wondering if there is anyway the posts who haven’t had a response or anyone posting for the first time can be identified easier? Just an idea.

[Anonymous]

Benson you should post how you’re feeling or if something happens. It will make you feel less isolated just by talking to someone on here. You shouldn’t go through these things alone xx

[Hazydayz]

Hi Benson and thankyou for your recent reply to my post. I’m glad you felt it connected with you and have been able to voice that here. I hear you💞 I want to apologise for not getting back to you sooner! It’s not usually so busy on my posts, and I have had to reply to many over the last day or two. Today I’ve caught up after my day at the seaside yesterday🏖️ which I needed badly! Your very welcome to message me privately if you need to get things said? I’m happy to be a sympathetic ear! I promise not to tell you! What you should think or do. I’ll keep a lookout for you, maybe see you on the forum also? Hope that helps you feel supported? Take care, stay safe,keep posting! If you need support? look forward to talking with you again 💞

[Hazydayz]

Hi again Benson, that’s a great idea of yours by the way, I forgot to mention. A way to help make sure women coming here for help don’t miss opportunity to get their posts answered? I brought this up a little while ago! Some thought posting their version of help and experience of abuse would make it easier for new women? But it’s having a reply that really helps I believe! Yes! If we could just guarantee that? it might make all the difference to women when they need support? You think? How to do that though? I think something could work under… New Here! But from what I see after the welcome, women tell or don’t tell about their problems, and then the advice that’s given maybe? By some? is all the support they seem to get sometimes? enough for some women maybe?But, I am glad, I didn’t spill my guts, sharing my abuse and feel emptied of all my preservation and hope! as a result of getting no replies maybe? We all feel we’ve had so much taken from us anyway, don’t we? Getting nothing in return for giving! except a feeling of our vulnerableness & our feelings of not mattering to anyone? Maybe? But then thinking…why should we matter to strangers? Some Others, women coming here experienceing? feeling their own need to tell all? Tie it all together first time? Get it right! By the magic of the written word? Maybe? Some individuals feel unable to post again? feeling forgotten, and left alone with it all. I’ll maybe put a post up to help find a way? to help women. Not feel like this? If they do?💞

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Hazydayz
This is an interesting post. It is really easy to lose track of posts I find- there are women I want to check in on and see how things are going but I just can’t keep up and remember. The log on your inbox doesn’t keep track of what threads you’ve posted on, just the responses to threads that you’ve started. There have been some women in really serious need and you just hope and pray what you say is well received and that they are ok, ultimately that they will be reassured enough to seek professional support.

Sometimes, when reading a post, it is like I just want to reach out through the computer and lend a hand, or literally just help get the person out of that situation. I think at times, I am finding my own voice again and my own path is still curvy with many ups and downs and so some days I am probably better at stepping back and considering my responses, as opposed to being directive. I am in recovery too you see, some things I see more clearly now but other times that gets clouded. I try to post for real on here- as best I can within the guidelines. I’ve shared some down days as well as up days and that’s my true picture of being out- I don’t know if that helps others, or if it is more confusing?

I appreciate that telling people what to do isn’t the best way, they’re likely already being told what to do all the time anyway. Sometimes though, I remember how I was so confused I couldn’t think straight and having some direction helped. Even if I didn’t action it there and then but it was there to revisit and come back to. I always hope when I post like that, that it is received in the spirit that it is intended- always with support and care.

Truth is, as someone out the other side but still dealing with a load of b******t from my perpetrator and now many other angles, it is really challenging not to feel complete frustration towards perpetrators. I feel very protective towards women posting here, like I want to stand in front of them and I really want to make it stop. Enough already. It just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and when is it going to change?

I am glad Women’s Aid is a feminist charity- that’s the side I choose to be on because I had my rose tinted specs ripped off. Then I left and with all that has come after, they are now smashed into a zillion pieces and I see it real now. There’s a reason it is going on and on and on in an ever repeating cycle. There is a reason nothing is changing. It has much to do with the setup of society- no good shying away from that, that’s the real problem and that’s what really needs shaking up, toppling, tearing up and built back up from the ashes.
It seems cliched to talk of a sisterhood and I totally understand how some, many would choose to veer away from all that after being controlled but I felt it first in my local groups and I do feel it on here too. There is a silent power.

Though, to be fair there are many, many aspects to forum. There are women in absolute desperate and urgent need of advice and support, those who are unsure and stepping in to take a look, those who have left and need to connect- especially at the moment as it is really difficult out there.
Like you, it took me time to post about my experiences in forum. Even then, it was not the full picture- I am still realising that every day- the extent to which I was duped, manipulated, coerced and violated. But I have essentially been gagged since leaving, I will never get justice, quite the opposite and I’ll be d****d if I will be silenced. If my voice helps anyone, anyone to see something, hear something that resonates, makes them question- then that’s enough for me.

I think something that prompts an urgency to my posts is the fact that I know, from experience, that so many times when you are in a very high risk situation, you are often not aware of how potentially serious this is for your children. You think it is all about you but it isn’t and you are completely unaware of the depths of which these monsters will go to maintain their power and control- there is no mother, wife, son, daughter. You are all pawns in a game, objects to be used and abused as the need suits and we know what kind of vile base needs they can have.
I did not see it when I was in it. It was not until I left.

Someone did start a thread- It may have been you – on here before about how people can get in touch/together for real- again it is another thread that I lost track of but I would have been interested to see responses. I do miss the group support, I think this is such an important service, especially when counselling services are stretched and 1-2-1 workers need to focus on survivors trying to get out.

I try to respond to threads that haven’t got a post but sometimes I read some and I’m a bit unsure what to say, as in I feel out of my depth so I admit that I may wait to see if someone more experienced posts first.

Soulsearcher

[Hazydayz]

Hi Soulsearcher, thanks for replying firstly. The next thing I want to say is…oh I like the sound of you! I have previously had you reply to me, when I really needed someone, an angel you were! Thankyou again 💐 for being there! during my having a panic attack! triggered by A nightmare that woke me pretty recently, remember that? I wanted to just now say, I relate completely to all you have written here, it resonates with me! furthermore, I feel I’m wanting to share with you an idea? that relates to what’s been said,and that might be of interest you? It’s a good one for women’s aid! I believe anyway. A few other women I messaged liked it too. I am politely replying to you tonight but desperately needing my bed now, so will message you Tommorrow ok. Hope you sleep well tonight if it’s bedtime for you wherever you are? Night💞

[Eggshells]

Thank you Soulsearcher for saying that. You’re posts are always so eloquent and often, as now, they say what I wish I could say.

I had felt safe sharing my experiences and thoughts on this forum. The forum is a place where I have emersed myself recently whilst I’ve been going through a very tough time. I haven’t noticed comments that dictate or make newcomers feel confused and, fragile as so many of us are, the idea that posts may be interpreted in that way may make this forum feel like an unsafe place to be.

[Hazydayz]

Eggshells, I think for those frustrated women who ARE still living in their miserabley abusive relationship, this place, maybe? is the only place, they can come in hope! to rely on, as is said often! For Support. If they are feeling that they are being told? what they should do by others here, it could?… If they just want to tell & feel heard? maybe? Cause some to feel? again! like they do with their abusers? telling them what they should or shouldn’t do!? And then of course that’s a bad thing! Although we hope? It doesn’t ever happen! Even if unintentionally caused! This may never be unknown by anyone else here! I do also, advise the reading of others posts here, to all newcomers here, to try and relate? decide for themselves if they’re feeling similar? I understand the confusion of course I do, that’s why a lot post after all, in the hope of being validated? it has to be about what’s really the right of everyone here to feel sure of being heard and understood? best as can be? When they post? Some may not feel confident?be able to say No! That’s how you feel not me! Hopefully? They will feel Sure of getting response & feel always? supported coming here, and safe at the end of the day. surely! that’s what this place should be about! Women Supporting women! No offence intended! if taken?💞

[Soulsearcher18]

Great Hazydayz, look forward to hearing from you. I’m up for getting involved, I was planning on doing Power to Change then attending a survivors group and eventually volunteering. At the time, I wasn’t sure about what type/level of volunteering. I had lost all confidence of communicating with others but I think that is slowly returning, slowly, slowly.

I am obviously interested in connecting with and supporting others. This helps to process everything, to gain reassurance and support and it also is empowering to be able to share with others and hopefully support them at whatever stage/level that might be.

What I am also particularly interested in is effecting change within society, so change to services and to structures etc. Political change I guess? I am interested in feminism, in the ways in which society needs to change/could change. What are the options? How do we drive that change?

I guess I would say with forum is that, we are all different but if we are on here, we are united in that we seek support ourselves and want to support each other too. However, we are all at different stages in realising, learning and/or recovering and there are huge ups and downs with that- it can affect how we feel and respond dramatically.

For example, in my posts you will sense massive frustration sometimes but this is always at Them- perpetrators and systems. I think this makes my posts though lean towards being direct, as in very clear- this is on Them, not you. You are not responsible for their actions. This can be really hard to process, especially when you are in it. That said, hearing it clearly and consistently, that can plant a seed. It isn’t an instant thing, but it can stick and eventually start to grow. Also, the consistent message to access professional support-the recognition of how difficult it is but the repetition of directing to support. Isolating you is their game and making you feel you can’t get help, it’s the one thing I just so wish I had done. It can make all the difference on the other side in so many ways.

I would say that if you are a person reaching out on here, yes it is responses and contact that are vital but it is like if you attend a group each week. Some weeks you may connect more than others, for many reasons but if generally you feel supported, keep going, keep trying and continue to reach out. Do wish there was a way of keeping track better though, so following up and checking in was easier.

[Lottieblue]

I suspect that the forum setup needs an overhaul. I think there are other forums with better functionality. I’m sure this one worked well when it was initially set up but suspect that traffic is now much much heavier.
It would be helpful to:
Be able to “watch” a thread;
Filter the broad topics eg familial abuse, new here etc, – I know you can select topics to view but that’s not how the board comes up to start with and you need to look at each topic individually rather than selecting at the outset which ones you’re interested in – which could be all of them;
See not only the posts contributors have started (via their profile) but also threads they have contributed to;
See on a thread title when the latest contribution was and who it was from;
See threads with no responses yet.

Maybe these thoughts can be passed on – anyone got any others? X

[Hazydayz]

Hi Lottieblue. Thanks for your reply. Yes! Good points you make! I never thought about that? Being a relatively new member, I have thought…how to? Often! I guess I see the difference in this place even since joining in May, of course! That makes me one of those… many more women flooding through to this place, due to lockdown! fortunately! I can speak up! For others here, I believe that’s what I’m trying to do as well as for myself. Maybe? I am one of those who might feel we are being instructed? Without being heard fully yet? I certainly know! I haven’t yet told! My account! of my manipulativly vile abuser! Through this, Though I struggle on…trying to be free! To be me! Feel as I do! yet feel supported here! I’m not sure if what I might say about my own abuse and my feelings! that I need to! will be heard? Now. Or supported empathetically by empathetic supporters? Taking nothing away from the good hearted & very supportive women here including yourself! I guess it’s just abused women not knowing abused women? If you know what I mean? And I heard once a saying… damaged people, damage people. I hope not for all our sakes!💞

[Lisa]

Hi

Thank you everyone for all your comments and suggestions.

At Women’s Aid we always put survivors at the heart of everything we do, and we are listening to your suggestions on how we can improve the forum.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Hazydayz]

Thanks Lisa. That’s good to read. 💞

[Camel]

Hi Hazydayz

It sounds like you’re worried about the women who post but don’t get a reply. Speaking for myself, I only reply if I believe I have something supportive to offer. Quite often the issues raised are outside of my experience. Posts will also be missed in those days or weeks that we’re not looking. I have noticed that Lisa often posts a message, even if no one else has. It is saddening to think that someone will post then disappear if they don’t get a response. Though I’m sure many of these women will hang around to read other posts. It’s hard but none of the women who post here are able to heal the world. We can only do what we can, when we have the time or strength, and if we have something to offer. Do you feel ignored or unsupported? If that’s the case it’s a shame and I’m sorry. I’ve found the forum to be a welcoming place to visit, even though often I don’t get replies.

[Author]

Posts