This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  [email protected] 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #83855

    I’m writing here because, although I’m feeling down today about him, the complaint and all the rest of it, I was reading through some of the wonderful messages I’ve received on my posts and just wanted to thank those of you who have been so supportive and encouraging, especially when I’ve been feeling conflicted and irrational.You are truly very special and wonderful ladies who have been the one constant source of support.

    I’m particularly thankful on days like today where I just wish I can hear from him and wrack my brains thinking what I can do to get some contact for him and be back together with him again. I woke up this morning, having had a dream about him (not even safe in my dreams) and wondered what the heck had happened for things to be like this. I feel a fool and think I haven’t been abused at all, because if I had the uni wouldn’t be closing ranks around me and the police DV team would have been back in contact with me by now. It just makes me want to go back, apologise, beg and grovel for forgiveness as it’s all me and I’m the one who ruined the relationship. Yes he verbally attacked me on a regular basis, yes he made me feel worthless, yes he and his friend put pressure on me to have an abortion but so what? I stayed and wanted to be with him and I still do now. I shouldn’t have had a meltdown, reporting him as I’m in a much worse state now it seems. I wish I could fix it and get through to him.

    But thank you. In all this pain, thank you as I don’t really feel I deserve to be here.

    On the plus side I was assured by the women’s rep at my student union that private relationships can be investigated. I don’t know why I was told by the actual people who would investigate that they cannot. She was disappointed at the treatment I have received within the university services as she had helped to launch them. I should be pleased someone is on side and yet I feel like destroying it all and sending another begging text. My father is on the verge of trying to call him as I’m such a pitiful mess still. I need to make a choice of what I’m going to do and I’m scared I’m going to go down the grovelling path. Please dissuade me once more. I just feel my case is so weak and it’s so much easier to just beg and degrade myself.

  • #83862

    “Yes he verbally attacked me on a regular basis, yes he made me feel worthless.”

    I am going to ask this bluntly. What on earth makes you want to be with a man who makes you feel worthless. Why the heck would you want to be with a man who regularly verbally attacks you. Do you really want to be with a man who uses female friends to triangulate, and act as flying monkeys.

    What makes you think that you are worth so little that you should beg for that kind of man back?

    I mean, we all have our reasons. My one at the outset of my abusive relationship was that I had lost almost all my friends after becoming chronically ill. And at least he stuck by me. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, he said cruel things, but he couldn’t mean to hurt me, could he? I didn’t believe it, years down the line, when it started to get physical. He couldn’t be hitting me on purpose. I was half mad by then – trusting his word over my own. I got out basically not because the abuse had escalated, but because I got a new job, where my colleagues actually saw me, and made me feel like a person again. That gave me the strength to leave. My flashbacks started not long after I left and I guess that was a blessing in disguise. It stopped my chasing closure, because I was starting to remember what he had done.

    Now from your story I know that you had enough feelings of self worth to report him. You knew that you didn’t deserve to be treated how he treated you. What is stopping you from holding on to that? You know you deserve better. And you are out of his clutches. Hold onto that.

    I know you would like closure. But you will never get it from an abuser. Even if they are the ones who leave us, and not the other way round, they leave us hanging. And they want that control, far more than they want us.

    Hold onto the pain. Hold onto your self worth. Stay away from this man. Stay safe.

    It might help to write a list of the ways he hurt you, to read when you are lulled into thinking he wasn’t that bad. Let the blame you hold for the flying monkey fall on him too. She sounds like a piece of work, but he let her hurt you. He told her sensitive information to help her hurt you. He was in on it.

    And find your sense of worth. From what you have written I know you have a family who love you. You are intelligent. You work hard. You have worth. Hold on to that too.

  • #83870

    Thank you Tiffany. I think the thing is that I do have a sense of my self-worth and I’m determined to show it in some ways perhaps. He is full of mistrust towards me and I know it’s misplaced. I want the chance to show him my evidence and to answer his questions so he will see I’m not the enemy. I just want to forgive him and have him back. I just keep making excuses for him – it was intense for both of us, he was under stress, I shouldn’t have been so afraid to tell him I didn’t have the abortion, I should have explained about the miscarriage etc etc. I just see so much of my own fault.

  • #83871

    Hi BM,

    This forum truly is a wonderful place isn’t it. It’s helped me a tremendous amount and I would just like to echo your sweet words and say thank you to every woman on here providing advice and all the while understanding us without us having to explain, explain, explain.

    I would be very careful with getting others or yourself to contact him. It will just play right into his hand and he can easily say you are harassing him. Don’t give him that power. He already controls your every thought it seems, don’t give him any more sweetheart. It’s a kind thing of your father to want to try and help, but this wouldn’t be helping. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but no matter how you try you cannot reason with an abusive man. There is no compromise. There is no logic. It’s his way and his way only, the rest be da**ed.

    Craving our abusers is a very strong sensation, and without a doubt one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. But it lessens with time, such a silly advice “just give it time”, but there’s a reason why this advice is so often given and that’s because it works. Even if you got him back now, I very much doubt you would feel happiness once the initial chemical happy reaction subsides. I think you would feel awful and realise that this man treated you appallingly and all he has learned is that he can keep treating you appallingly because you will stay, you will beg, you will grovel, and he will feel great! It’s harsh, but it’s true. How long have you begged now? It’s been quite some time hasn’t it. The letter didn’t work, he just used it to try and blackmail you into not submitting a complaint in the hopes that maybe he could be persuaded to meet you. That’s not love and I think you know that. If we have to beg and grovel, how much value do they really see in us? Would you ever feel at ease knowing you had to beg and grovel? You ARE good enough and if you have to beg for someone to see that, then that person doesn’t deserve your love and affection.

    Most of us have been there, having stayed, having gone back, but they don’t become better, they just become worse. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone you could count on to be there for you? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who doesn’t verbally abuse you? Wouldn’t you rather form a true partnership where you can depend on each other and still be your own person? Wouldn’t you rather be valued for what and who you are? Because you do have value, even if his actions suggest you don’t. You have value and you need to remember you did not make him do any of the abusive things he did to you, he chose to do them. You would have had nothing to report if he hadn’t done those things. You cannot isolate you reporting him, you have to see it as part of the greater picture – you didn’t ruin the relationship by reporting him. He ruined the relationship because he did the things you reported. Don’t carry any blame for this, it was not your fault, you reporting him ruined nothing, he had already ruined your relationship and it was not your fault, it was entirely his.

    Please try and allow yourself to let him go, for your sake not for his. Provide all that wonderful love to yourself, care for yourself and know you deserve so much better and with healing and time, one day you will find it. I truly believe we can all find loving, healthy relationships if that is what we want – we just have to love ourselves first and heal the wounds they left.

    Keep posting BM x Whenever the urge comes to beg him for contact again, come on here and post x It’s hard, but time really does help x

  • #83876

    I’ve essentially been told that the letter did not work because I was the one who reported him to the university (he would have been mad at that because his PhD and reputation is EVERYTHING).

    For his pov I’m a dangerous person that cannot be trusted not to ruin his PhD even though all I want is to be back with him or to have closure. I’m being told basically that it’s my fault because I’m the one who had the ‘meltdown’ which led to him being banned from my college and department and to his being summoned by the Dean who told him not to contact me. Everything is my fault.

    I do worry about being accused of harassment but I feel I’m perfectly entitled to seek answers from the person who got me pregnant/tried to force me to have an abortion/abandoned whilst miscarrying. I’m sure if the Dean or anyone knew they would understand. Is it wrong for me to seek this?

    My father is only saying he’ll do it because I’m a mess, an absolute mess and so feels like he needs to speak to me as my parents feel injustice for themselves

    I just don’t care how he treats me as long as I can be back in his arms again. I just don’t care. I want to beg and plead with him. I’m just being punished because I keep being hammered over the head with the ‘Dean said he’s not to contact you’ line. Obviously that’s my fault even though I offered to remove that and got in touch with the Dean to do just that. He just got angry as he wants to fly under the radar I expect. He told the Dean he would sort it out (allegedly) but he’s done nothing.

    I’m just not interested in anyone else. Only him. Only getting my justice which would ideally come from talking to him. I love him and it doesn’t ease. I just feel more and more responsible. I’m very close to sending a message just asking for him to release me properly if nothing else.

  • #83877

    Oh sweetheart, this is a lot of selfblame but you need to try and see it in its right context. He was the one who was banned from your college because of his actions, not the other way around. This to me sounds like the Dean was acting on your side rather than his. The advice not to contact you was given with you in mind, not the other way around. The Dean clearly saw a need to protect you from him. None of it is your fault sweetheart.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting closure and wanting to talk to him, but none of us are entitled to have these conversations. We can ask for them, yes, but sometimes the answer is no. And we have to respect and accept that. Most healthy non-abusive people would be having these conversations to end a relationship or to talk through a miscarriage just because they want that closure themselves or because they know it can help the other person, but this guy is an abuser. He isn’t going to see it like that and even though it is unfair, he can decide that he won’t talk with you about it. And that speaks volumes about what kind of person he is, it’s despicable and awful – but that is his choice. Even if there was a person on this Earth who could force him to have that conversation with you, there would be no guarantee you would get any truth or comfort from him. He might just verbally abuse you further, he might lie, he might continue to be cruel. We never really know for sure what someone else is feeling or thinking. It is absolutely unfair that he won’t talk with you about the miscarriage and help give you that closure, but that should tell you exactly what kind of person he really is.

    I hope you can find it within you, that place where you know you deserve better than him, so so much better. But sometimes we just don’t get the kind of closure we need and we must find it elsewhere xx

  • #83881

    He was banned because I had a ‘meltdown’ my college clearly just thought I was ‘paranoid’ as I have since found out. This is just another kick in the stomach. The Dean initially said he’d be happy to help in a resolution, but because he was banned I guess he had to tell him not to contact me. I was told the Dean thought I was crazy and that the only reason he told him not to contact me was to protect him and his PhD. I was told that he was offered to see the harassment service but he turned it down as he didn’t want to get me in trouble (even though it was me that was referred and I think it’s standard practice for the other person to be offered the same support). I’ve asked the Dean to drop it, but he just says he travelling and will contact people to work out what’s feasible when he can or pass it onto his successor. He’s not interested in my pain or knowing the reasons why. If I came right out and said the guy got me pregnant (maybe even on purpose as I now am scared to think) and I had a miscarriage, I don’t think he would object. I’m sure he’d think ‘s***, you better speak to this poor girl.’

    I know I cannot force him, but I do feel I am within my right to seek contact from the father of my lost baby. I can’t get over the thought that I lost it because of them. It’s not just a miscarriage. It feels like they killed it. And yet I don’t want to be bitter and blaming. I have no intention of being angry with him. I just want to speak to him. I hate how he’s whitewashing not only me but the baby from existence. This is why my parents are saying they want to get involved, confront him. But I just want to talk. Sometimes I still think about contacting his mother, not angrily, but to appeal. I know it’s all futile but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to give up hope that he can show compassion without fear that he’s going to have his PhD ruined by me. If I were him, I’d maybe feel the same. Scared that this girl who I know I’ve treated badly is going to be hateful and ruin me and my reputation even though I just love him. I could forgive it all if he would just speak to me. X

  • #83886

    I am going to put things bluntly again. The only reason he mistrusts you is that he can’t control you. He doesn’t see you as a real person. The only properly real people in the eyes of an abuser are themselves. Your emotions just aren’t important to him. You were initially a thing who gave him what he wanted (a feeling of power and control). Now you are a thing that is getting in the way of him living his perfect life to which he has some kind of a divine right. Honestly, he is probably going to hate you forever because you ruined his perfect life.

    I mean, in the sane reality the rest of us live in he screwed things up by being abusive and hurting you terribly. But abusers don’t accept responsibility. It’s always someone else’s fault. So in his mind it is your fault he abused you.

    You can’t get closure from someone like that. You get closure by doing the right thing and knowing that you are a decent person.

    I am incredibly sorry you are dealing with this. You don’t deserve it. No one deserves it. But you have to find your peace from within, and from the support of agencies who know about domestic abuse. And from the lovely ladies on here. You can do this. Stick with the no contact. Not with him, not with the monkeys. Give it a couple of months. Maybe even half a dozen, if you are dealing with the the university complaints procedure too. And it will be better.

  • #83889
     [email protected] 

    you deserve to be here the same as us all – and were in the same boat (or have been)were one sector off women who can give each other true compassion. we understand how youve been feeling and sometimes its been hard to get through to you 🙂 but we know why – when were in turmoil we just cant see the wood from the trees. i was the same in utter terror not to be melo dramatic but i honestly was. i could see that in your writing – you didnt know which way to turn and we want to be there for you. a wee safety net this forum is xxxx so your one off us and your definitely in the right place xxxx take care

    much love diymum

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