Wondering if life really is worth it.

[Trying to srvive]

Hi
I left my husband back in (detail removed by Moderator). Our relationship is really good when it’s good and really bad when it’s bad. I have spent (detail removed by Moderator) years loving him, (detail removed by Moderator) years giving him everything I have. My family, my relationship with my children has suffered so badly I can’t even believe what they tell me. I blame them for our arguments. My illusions of other people is very negative. Yet I know all the are saying is true. Because I know what he has put me through yet I still can’t move on. I reported him to the police because of a strangulation, because when I looked at him he wasn’t there it wasn’t him. I really thought I was going to die. He blames me for ruining our marriage for going to the police. He shouldnt be in contact with me at all. Due to bail. However we have been seeing each other and trying to sort our marriage out. I am on medication because I can’t function. I’m heartbroken about what’s happening. I can’t stop thinking about him and I believe it can work, yet I know that it can’t . I feel like my life has been a lie the last (detail removed by Moderator) years and I see no future with out him. Why can’t I make the brain see what he’s been doing . I’m begging him for forgiveness that I should be asking him for. Yet I’m still the one at fault. I’m so messed up right now. I just see utter darkness. I don’t know where to start!!!!!!

[KIP.]

Hi, please call your local women’s aid for support here. He’s manipulating you and you’re very vulnerable. Please report contact to the police, they will stop him from contacting you when you cannot. You need to build a support network round you. He’s extremely dangerous and strangulation in domestic abuse is one step from death and a huge red flag. Your kids need you. It’s like breaking a drug habit. You need to go zero contact. Have you read about trauma bonding?

[Trying to srvive]

Thank you so much for this. It’s like I have no control over anything. Yet I left because I wanted my life back. But I’m stuck without him. I block him unblock him. Think we can sort stuff out. I know what the cycle is. But I cannot believe the man I adore, the man I do everything for. The men who I believe saved me from my life before I met him . My guardian. My protector, my friend and my soul mate has betrayed me in the most Gifford way. I can’t admit he would do this. I’m so ashamed of me and how weak I am as I person. This is a real tornado of a journey. I’m not liking it very much! I really appreciate your reply I am going to start doing some research

[nbumblebee]

You are 100% not messed up at all becuase if you are then I am and so is everyone else on here.
We are not messed up we have been made to feel that way by these people who treat us so badly.
Of course you love him of course you want him back you want things to work out we all do.
I wish each and every day that i could change my husband change him into that nice man i thought he was that sweetie is normal.
What isnt normal what isnt right is how he treats you and you need to get ojt and stay out.
Yes it will be hard yes it will hurt like hell but doesnt it hurt now? Isnt it horrible now waking up every day with that fear that feeling of being scared.
Talk to womans aid talk to the police go arm yourself with help and support to make sure you are safe there is a life out there free from him and it is most certainly worth living for you have just got to want it. Do this for your kids but most of all do it for you. X*x

[Trying to srvive]

Thank you for your reply I have support in place from different agencies. I’m just so lost in this battle that I never believed would involve me. I’ve have heard of trauma bonding. What I struggle to accept is that he’s doing all these things that make me feel like I’ve gone mental and all this is my fault. Why don’t I see his the one at fault yet I’m blaming me my heads so messed up. It’s like my mind can’t think for itself. I need him to survive. Yet I know if I go back I won’t be in a better situation with him as he will not get let me forget what I have done. He answer me when he wants. I’ve actually started doubting my reasons for leaving. Why can’t I say no to him

[nbumblebee]

Oh my lovley i get you i really do ive spent months on here talking about what my husband does and says to me the ladies on here told me time and time again it was abuse but i wouldnt couldnt see it or believe it. I say I do now but Im not so sure i doubt myself every second of everyday.
Im still here and can never see nuself leaving this is my life forever and it makes me feel so sad so down that i wonder if its worth getting up each morning too so i get you and i know lots on here do.
I dont know much Im rubbish at advice But I believe after years of listening to them lut us down day after day we believe it we stop trusting ourselves we see life through their eyes only so we blame ourselves we believe its us not them we have no self respect no love for ourselves they take that away so we relie on them what they love what they believe and well they are wrong.
You need to learn to trust yourself to love yourself through your own eyes not his. Find who you are again you may need counselling to do this but I think its important in order for you to stay away. He has screwed you over not you he is the problem not you. Sending you hugs x

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. I remember feeling just as you are now. We ended up getting back together and things got even worse. It took a few more times for me to leave and stay left. I think I was stick in love with the person he pretended to be when I first fell for him, and who I got to see at times when he wasn’t being controlling, vindictive, accusative, paranoid, self pitying, selfish and raging. He would cry and apologize and he shocked that I was affected by his behaviour. It was a complete head spin. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I lost all confidence in my own thoughts and feelings.

Please do reach out to women’s aid so they can talk through this stuff with them. It’s how most people feel when they initially get away. Maybe research cognitive dissonance and trauma bonds as well. There’s a great book called ‘out of the fog’ (the fog is Fear Obligation and Guilt) that would be worth looking at if you’re a reader. Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans YouTube videos might also be useful.

This is like recovering from an addiction and us very very tough initially.

Sending love and prayers your way this evening.

GR xx

[Trying to srvive]

Hi
Thank you y guy or yr reply. Things ain’t easy at all, I’ve been watching Dr Ramini quite a lot. She makes sense. I certainly believe that what she says about men like my husband is true. And I believe him to be a covert. I just worry that the way I feel right now won’t go away. I need to start building a better picture of myself instead of the one he want me to build

[gettingtired]

Hey, I really feel for you as I can relate except I haven’t even left mine yet! I want a better life for myself too but struggle to picture one without him in it and also panic that I can’t be without him. In these moments it’s almost impossible to think of him as anything other than his ‘nice’ version. I listen to Dr Ramani videos too and find her to make so much sense. I wish I had the answer to actually breaking free though. Take care and keep posting on the forum if you need to as it always helps to speak to others who understand x

[KIP.]

It’s trauma. Google cognitive dissonance. I had to bypass all my feelings and instincts to protect and defend him and just take a leap of faith and believe the police and the agencies and follow their lead. Even though every fibre was telling me the opposite. Zero contact is how the fog of abuse will begin to clear. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

[Eyesopening]

Your poor thing, its terribly hard to realize the man we love, who should be our biggest protector is actually out to get us. It’s truly heartbreaking. But You can get through this, you will, it takes some time for the head to makes sense of the two contradictory thoughts. But your main focus now is you and your safety. You cannot trust him. Do not trust his words. You can only trust yourself now. I felt i would never be able to leave, i left and wanted to go back, what really helped me was burning the bridge back. Which meant for me sending an email telling him i am never coming back. And blocking him on everything. The insult was too great for my ex. Maybe its something different for you, but it may be helpful to put something in place that means when you feel weak you have a blocker there to protect you.
Do reach out to WA and all your support.
This man is dangerous and does not love you. In a loving relationship there is never violence, not even once. (Sorry for being blunt but it helps sometimes)
Keep posting too
Lots of love
Xxxx

[Hereforhelp]

This is not in your head. Could you keep a journal of the abuse? That way if or when you doubt/question the abuse you have incidents written down to remind you? I wrote them on my phone in notes on the build up to separating.
Trauma bonding is very powerful, abusers use it to their advantage too.

You describe him as
My guardian. My protector, my friend and my soul mate has betrayed me
Which is how I referred to my abusive husband, for decades I thought of him as my protector, he said I was his guardian angel… trauma bond was set firm and will take time to undo. Be kind to yourself, it can be overwhelming that the man you loved and trusted is abusive.
They all have good times, days, weeks but the abuse will come again which keeps our anxiety heightened (fight, flight, freeze…. I have experienced all of these along with FOG cycle as HFH said.
Keep posting ❤ we are here for you

[maddog]

It’s such a terrifying time right at the beginning, when you know that the relationship is abusive. We can’t know what we don’t know, then we can’t unsee it when we understand.

Your husband has betrayed you in the most appalling way. Had you not reported him to the police, you were in a dangerous situation.

Women’s Aid is brilliant. If you call 101 and ask for the Domestic Abuse team, they have loads of local resources as well. Please don’t be alone while you’re going through this. Your feelings during this time are completely normal. It’s an horrific and traumatic time.

As well as the Fear, Obligation and Guilt, I think there’s also Shame.

If you witnessed someone driving into the back of someone else’s car, would you blame yourself? What if the driver came up to you and told you it was your fault they crashed, you’d probably think they were mad. Most people aren’t going to agree to being strangled to within an inch of death. It’s not a choice. It’s an attack.

Abusers blame us for their behaviour all the time. Nothing is their fault. Any contact you have with your husband will be used by him against you. Please avoid all contact.

Please don’t be afraid to contact the police again if you feel afraid. It’s such a horrible and frightening time. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

I think the shame often prevents us from speaking about our experience. Often we are cowed into secrecy, when the reality is that we have been witness to someone else’s appalling behaviour.

Please reach out for counselling when you feel ready. There are organisations to support you and guide you through the trauma. Your GP should be able to help you as well.

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