Wondering whether I am doing the right thing?!!

[Cherryblue]

It’s a while since I last posted, my husband has moved out to give me space, which has been a good thing. He didn’t want to go, but he did so I respect that. He has been away (removed by moderator). I haven’t really missed him, but that’s probably because he still comes here for the kids and then it takes some effort to get him to leave. He has continued with his cognitive behavioural therapy, has now been diagnosed with depression, and is on medication. He wants to talk about how he feels all the time and is tearful. I’m finding it a bit wearing if I’m honest, he’s gone from never talking about how he feels, to talking about it all the time!!

I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable but I feel like now thinks as he has all these reasons for why he behaved how he did, that I should somehow excuse it and take him back.

I don’t see how the fact you are depressed/ angry makes pushing/ shoving (only occasionally) and shouting in my face acceptable. Can this behaviour be excused by depression? Sometimes I worry I’ve been pushed so far, that I’m now incapable of being reasonable about what he may or may not be able to change. Have I just created some kind of wall around me and I’m just too wary to let him back in. Am I potentially throwing it all away?!!

[Beautifulday]

Hi there
I highly recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft and in it he says in all his career its rare that an abuser changes his ways. He may go to therapy act as if he’s trying to better himself, cry at therapy, admit he’s an abuser etc but its all usually false . They do this to win back their partners make it look as though they are turning over a new leaf and then when he wins her back it may be fine for a while but it almost always resorts back to how it was, read the book it will be eye opening for you.

He may be depressed but in my opinion some men will say this for the pity card to get you to feel sorry for them and as we victims are usually empaths and naturally want to help, we want to help them. Dont be sucked in by it! Stick to your plan it sounds as though you’ve been very strong . Keep doing what your doing and dont get fooled by it all.

[Camel]

Hi Cherryblue

I think it would help you if you were clear on your boundaries.

So, he’s moved out to give you space. Did you ask for just ‘space’ or do you intend to call time on the relationship? Giving space implies a temporary arrangement. If you actually mean permanent you need to be clear.

It’s all well and good him popping in when it suits him, but it doesn’t necessarily suit you. Agree specific times for him to see the kids and drop them off at his new place. Arrange to collect them too. This way you won’t be cornered into listening to him. Or struggling to get him to leave.

Make it clear that you’re not in a position to listen to him pour out his woes. He’s seeing a counsellor and a doctor. They’re trained to help, you’re not. He should be using this time apart to sort himself out. It’s hardly giving you space if he’s banging on at every opportunity.

You’re absolutely right, finally seeking counselling/medication does not absolve him for his abuse. Neither does it mean you have to give him a second chance. You are allowed not to care any more. Maybe he’ll be one of the minority who emerges from this process a changed man. That’ll be good news for his future relationships. Not necessarily for you, the damage has already been done.

The wall that you’ve put up is necessary for your protection. It’s a good thing. You’re absolutely right to be wary of him.

[Cherryblue]

Hi both, thank you so much for responding, I’m going to get the Lundy Bancroft book. Also Camel I think you are right about boundaries, I think I know it’s over but I’m frightened to make that final step. I guess partly because that’s when all the difficult stuff starts like selling the house, I’ve also been really worried he would hurt himself as he has suggested he would in the past. I guess it’s cowardly in a way, whilst we are having space I don’t have to deal with all of this.

[Camel]

You’re not being cowardly! Right now, you’re in control and can take things at your own pace. Use this time to find a suitable lawyer, get the house valued and so on. It’s only information gathering, nothing scary.

I think you’ll find the hard part is behind you. People sell houses and get divorced all the time, no biggie.

I understand your concern that he night hurt himself. This is a bog-standard tactic of the abuser who is running out of options. You have to remember that you are not responsible for his emotional well-being. If he threatens suicide, call the police immediately. They make these calls a priority. Chances are they’ll find him in his slippers watching sport on the telly. These threats are almost never genuine. Whatever, we are not trained to deal with this kind of thing. Leave it to the professionals.

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