Wondering whether to go on this date or not

[SunshineRainflower]

I’ve not dated anyone since my abusive ex several years ago because I was scared of men for a long time and still am partly, and also because I don’t have much trust in men being faithful and honest. I feel like we live in a very sleazy culture where most men are porn addicted and unfaithful so I just kind of peacefully gave up. So I’ve been fairly accepting of being single and have felt quite happy with it mostly because it has meant freedom from abuse, freedom from worrying about my partner cheating, freedom to work on my goals etc. I don’t think I want to have children so that’s made it easier to. I always thought if I met a good kind man it would be lovely to form a partnership where we live together, have some shared hobbies and adopt animals but I’m also accepting of just doing that alone ie. I’m not waiting for a man to save me. Anyway what’s thrown me a bit is this week a man I met has asked me on a date and I’m not sure whether to go or not.

I went to this shop and had been chatting to the shop owner about various things then this man comes in who knows the shop owner and they start chatting. Later on the shop owner introduces me to this man because we have a shared hobby. We had a chat about the shared hobby and I gave both of them my card to show them where I share my work online. I remember thinking this man was quite cute but feeling kind of guilty as I’m older than him and feel like if I was to date then it should be men older than me, as that’s usually how it works. Anyway, I forgot about it after that until he then got in touch and said he’d enjoyed chatting and would I like to go out for a drink. I don’t have any friends at the moment for various reasons so I thought I’d share it on here to ask you all, also because in the past when I shared with friends about my ex, none of them understood abuse so like me, they didn’t see red flags.

He seems quite confident and extroverted, whereas I am quite shy and introverted. He’s a lot younger than me. I think we seem quite different, he’s not the sort of man I would usually date ie. I don’t think he’s got a ’sensible’ career and he seemed a bit alternative and I imagine he has ’cool’ friends, but obviously dating ’sensible’ men in the past didn’t work out for me as all of them ended up being controlling and abusive to various degrees. I feel like if he knew what my life was really like he might be quite horrified? Ie. I spend most of my time alone with my cat, which I’m mostly quite happy with being very introverted. I have no friends and no job currently. I would definitely like a job and some friends, but I can’t drink and I don’t like loud noisy places, they give me panic attacks.

I decided to see if I could find out more so I replied to his message and have agreed to meet up but I’m now thinking maybe I should cancel. Part of me would like to go, because I always feel like we should take opportunities even if it’s just to learn something new plus I got this intuitive vibe that I had to recommend something to him because of this shared hobby. But I also am aware I struggle with boundaries and seeing red flags immediately due to my upbringing, plus I’m an abuse survivor so I worry sometimes that men interested in me are so because they sense that vulnerability. Part of me is confused why he’d ask me out as he seemed confident and nice looking and I would have thought he’d be dating lots of young women.

Also, I recommended something to him and in his message he said thanks then moved onto asking me out rather than any discussion about the recommendation. He’s also not made any comment on my work. In the past my exes just seem to see me as a doll, an object, an accessory to their lives rather than an individual human with hopes and dreams. So him not commenting on my work has got me thinking ‘hmmm is he just after sex.’ He also made a slight sexual innuendo in his last message before we’ve even met for a date. I know he might just be trying to flirt and be funny but I don’t like talking about sex on early dates at all or sexual innuendos, I find it really uncomfortable because I never have sex with anyone until I get to know them and feel safe with them and met referring to sex to women they don’t know in my mind is a bit disrespectful? The whole point of having a shared hobby surely is that you can chat about that and share life dreams and goals, rather than just base things around sex. I had no shared hobbies with my exes and I found them rather dull and boring, and my hobbies and dreams suffered as a result and eventually I felt very disconnected from them. The sex eventually became boring and clinical too. None of them inspired or encouraged me, in fact my abusive ex hindered me a lot and it’s taken a lot of time and work to get back on track. My ideal man, if I ever meet him, is a man who shares some of my hobbies and likes a similar quiet lifestyle to me. I think maybe there’s a sexual attraction between me and this man I met and that’s why he’s contacted me. I thought maybe it was to do with the shared hobby too but now I’m not so sure? I don’t want to go and have a super awkward date. Maybe I should just cancel and say we can be friends? I really like to know a lot more about a man before going on a date because it feels quite stressful going on a date with a stranger I know pretty much nothing about. I know dating worked like this in the past but I’m much more on high alert now after what I’ve been through, plus I don’t want anyone wrong for me wasting my time.

Anyway thanks for listening and it would be good to hear your thoughts on this.

[pigglewump]

Hi Sunshine,

It seems as though the prospect of this date is already causing quite a lot of anxiety for you, which is totally understanding as a survivor of abuse. It seems as though you are aware that you may attract more abusers as a result of this which is insightful. I realise now looking back that all of my relationships have been abusive, and I also seem to attract the wrong type of man.

Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, and if you are really concerned about these ‘red flags’, it’s important to listen to your gut. My husband did something quite manipulative early on in our relationship – I wish I’d given my gut feeling a little more attention, I passed it off as harmless, and turns out it was a taster of things to come.

If part of you feels like you’re ‘forcing’ yourself to go along, I would say it’s not worth it at this point in time. I’m not advocating closing yourself off forever, but objectively reading what you’ve said you seem more hesitant than excited. Perhaps getting to know him more as a friend (maybe explore that shared hobby?) and see how he reacts? That may well give you your answer.

Only you know if you’re really ready, and if you do go and something feels ‘off’ just make a mental note.
Good luck 🙂

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Pigglewump. Yes it’s kind of stressed me out him asking me! I just wasn’t expecting it. I left the dating world behind years ago when I stopped online dating and didn’t really expect to be asked out on any dates like this.
I agree, it’s best to get to know people slowly as friends. Then you can see any red flags, or see if you genuinely get on and have shared hobbies and goals. I’ve always found the instant jump to a date with the expectation of a romantic flirty vibe really alarming, even with men I knew a long time and liked, because I knew there was an expectation of me to let down my guard and decide whether to allow them to be flirty, romantic and or sexual towards me or not. I think I have a lot of issues to do with attachment due to my childhood, and also to do with sex. I have cried lots in all of my past relationships. I think my brain perceives men asking me out, even if I think they are attractive, as a threat due to my past.

I could really do with some proper therapy for it, and to work through more books about it to figure myself out better, because these issues don’t just go away in a relationship. I think ultimately I feel like I’ve been a bit mad agreeing to this date but am also flattered so have felt conflicted. I also worry that I’m attracted to the wrong sorts of men so it makes me think me even being attracted to him might be a bad sign. Unfortunately if that’s true that means I should only date men I’m not attracted to, which I’ve tried before and it never works. I always feel so miserable and stuck when it comes to finding a healthy relationship so I just stopped even thinking about it because I don’t know what the answer is.

[HunkyDory]

I think pigglewump is right. Listen to your gut – we are hyper sensitive to things after abusive relationships, and we shouldn’t ignore them. It might be totally innocent what he said, but it made you uncomfortable so..

I recently had a similar experience where an old work contact quite a lot younger than me got in touch, we messaged back & forth and had a laugh but I also noticed sexual innuendo creeping in and it creeped me out! I let it go a couple of times and he didn’t contact me for a while then he sent another message and within minutes it was innuendo again. I find it boring and sooo predictable. I cut him off.

Like you I’m happy alone and if a partner came along who wants a reasonably quiet life that’ll do me.

If you really can’t make your mind up, go for a coffee somewhere in the daytime and see how you feel after that. Don’t force yourself or feel you have to if you’re uncomfortable xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks HunkyDory. Your story reminded me of this guy I knew at school who I liked for years but he was in a relationship with someone else. When they split up I contacted him to check he was ok as we’d been friends for years. We stayed in touch and he suggested meeting up. He quickly became weird and starting making weird sexual comments and I just felt so uncomfortable and instantly stopped liking him after all those years. It indicated to me that he only was interested in me in a sexual way, rather than in a mutual interest and respect for a relationship sort of way. It’s disconcerting because initially we assume they are interested in a relationship like we are but we have to believe them when they show us who they are. Most men pretend to want a relationship when really they just want sex. It’s so alien to me because although I like sex, I don’t like it without love and affection. My ex was horribly abusive, cold and clinical to me the last few times we had sex which was awful.

I think I will cancel this date. I suppose I feel that if a man is right for me, he won’t be making sexual innuendos and I’ll feel comfortable with him, and that he’ll want to talk about our shared hobbies in more depth hopefully. I hope that I wouldn’t feel stressed about going on the date. Having said that, I guess I don’t have much faith in my ability to choose men because most of my exes were abusive. Even the one I always thought was ‘good’ I realised wasn’t, when I told two therapists about his behaviour. He was kinder and a better listener than the rest, but he used to sulk and have tantrums, once tipped up a chair in a pub when his football team lost, sulked angrily when his friend got a better score at him in a sport, and he would insist we spend every single weekend with his friends rather than 1-1. He also hated where I lived and hated the countryside, which I love. I was miserable and blamed myself! I can now see we were totally ill suited and he was a bit of a man-baby who couldn’t/didn’t care enough to meet most of my needs.

I think I often want to say yes to dates because when I get asked I get a bit panicky and wonder ‘what if nobody else asks me’ but this has lead me to dating some very questionable characters.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello SRF, I’ve not been on in a while again.as I’ve said before some of our shared stories overwhelm me too much. I’ve been trying to be around people, to see if I can ‘take’ the banter, which can be loaded with innuendos. I can’t, it’s like this seems to be societies way sussing out future conquests, future partners. If I’ve learned anything from my previous relationship,is that a relationship based on sex and innuendos will eventually end, how soon that happens just depends.
Trust your gut, you don’t owe this man anything. Sometimes we think we’re fine, we’re coping then we realise we’ve taken too many steps, forgotten to take the baby steps. I’m slowly learning to trust my own judgement, but it is an extremely slow process.but I’m in no hurry. I’ve no desire to be part of a couple, to go for drinks or meals, the pictures, whatever. I’m liking learning about me. I recently applied for a post politically, it’s voluntary, so no pressure to be anywhere, and I got it. But on the day I so nearly withdrew my interest. It was more a confidence building task for me, ended up having to ‘sell myself’ and then put out to votes. If you want to try this date as a confidence building task do that, you don’t have to have another one. Just be safe, take time to go over the date with yourself, chat with the ladies on here. Most of all trust your own judgement, put your wants and needs before anyone else’s.
Best wishes mo charaid
IWMB 💞💞

[Shaz]

Hi sunshinerainflower

Again, I have not been on here for a while for various reasons. But your post/ questions made me want to reply. I have been out a shortish while now and have tried dating.

I’m asking myself.. ‘did I want to date?’ and I suppose the answer is yes. ‘Was I ready to?’ Probably not. And that doesn’t mean that you aren’t ready. But it means I can recount a few of my ‘gut feeling’ reactions which I am glad I followed. I dated one guy a few times and he was very respectful actually, but his situation meant I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I asked myself why I dated him.. the answer is probably ‘to be treated nice and fill my calendar’. Sounds bad but I think that is the truth. Within a few months he suggested a weekend away and that’s when I politely explained I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

I dated someone else and unfortunately I feel like, in retrospect, I wasn’t ready. What was nice was to go out and do things, but I could have done those things with others. So I suppose what I am saying is.. sometimes we are just not ready. Your post contains more worries and anxieties than excitement, and I can understand that. I get your point about knowing whether a man is really genuine or just after sex. I have struggled with this my whole life. I have deliberately held off getting intimate with someone for a very long time, just for them to break up with me straight after. It’s heartbreaking and honestly, I don’t know what the answer is. I wish I did.

In this case, perhaps you could postpone the date a little to enable you to talk more, or as suggested, go for a coffee for an hour in the daytime. Alternatively, just let him know its not convenient right now, if that is what feels right to you. I have learnt to not do things which stress or have capacity to hurt me. It’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Here is some advice I got from this forum- imagine your life how you want it, what does it look like, who is in it, animals, you, someone else? Whatever you picture you should hold dear.

Good luck x

[Cecile]

Hi SRF thanks for sharing your story and concerns. For me, you are very perceptive about a key point here, that he is not focused on your interests and talents. If that I missing from the start then this is not a friendship forming. All relationships should be good friendships i.m.o (I realise after life of tragic relationship abuse and failure). Also you are minimising your lovely life. My very best friend I ever had lived alone with cats, didn’t like pubs and was the most interesting well read and creative person that I ever met. Her personality was amazing. You also sound very thoughtful and interesting. Don’t let this tentative date seeker glide over this. He has already made you feel unsure for some reason. When I am free in the not too distant future I plan to live as you do but with canines. I have visualised it to the very colour of the curtains I will hang on the sun filled windows of my single person’s house….!

Appreciate the world ypiu have. Being lonely and being on your own are not the same thing. I love spending time on my own and only ever feel lonely when my OH is in the vicinity, or his family.Are you lonely or just on your own? Many people end up on their own and its fabulous when properly done. (As in well planned like not being on a desert island). A close relative of mine lost her husband of 55 years last year. Now in her late eighties she has never been so happy and healthy. Lives alone and has got book visitors in her diary due to her personal plans!

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks everyone,

your replies have helped me a lot. I’ve cancelled the date. I sent him a nice warm message saying I couldn’t date at the moment but said we could be friends and offered for him to contact me in future about the shared hobby, and he’s not replied lol. So I think I called him out, and that he did just want sex, and what was throwing me off was the fact that he was quite attractive and we had a shared hobby. I think he figured out I thought he was attractive and used the shared hobby as an opportunity to get sex. I always think it’s a bad sign if someone can’t reply to a rejection message with ‘ok fair enough, thanks for letting me know and all the best to you too’ kind of thing. If he’d done that I might have even reconsidered in a few months time had we got to know each other slowly and he’d seemed like a good person. I got rejected a few times on dating sites and I never took it personally, in fact I always respected men who rejected me honestly about lack of compatibility because it meant neither of us were wasting our time and there were no hard feelings. I remember online a lot of men used to go nuts when I rejected them, some would call me vile names and act scarily aggressive that I’d have to block them.

Cecile thanks you’re absolutely right, I was temporarily feeling embarrassed about my lifestyle when in fact it’s taken me years to create a life I feel at peace with. I’m not quite where I want to be in terms of friendships and work but I do love a peaceful life with my cat doing my hobby, going for walks, yoga etc. I think I felt like that because all of my exes were extroverts and used to make me feel bad for liking such a quiet life, and I’d have to go to all these events which I hated but pretended to enjoy because I felt like there was something wrong with me for not enjoying what everyone else seemed to. I guess I knew this guy would probably be a bit shocked at my life because I overheard him tell the shopkeeper some things about his current lifestyle. I think he’s still living that young person life of going out, not worrying about much whereas being older I’m in a much different place. The thought of meeting his friends, going out at night with them and even letting him see me naked was stressing me out, haha. I just think I would have felt like an old lady next to his friends and really out of place. I’m still confused why he asked me on a date in the first place. I tried to be open minded about it and thought that maybe he was a sweet genuine guy so gave him a brief chance but after a few messages I felt I wasn’t getting what I was hoping from him – ie an interesting chat about our shared hobby or indication from him that he’d seen my work (which he has and made no comment on) and like you say, a friendship slowly building. Instead he seemed to keep dismissing the hobby and went straight into suggesting we go out for a drink and then the sexual innuendo.

I think I’m a romantic at heart so often have given the wrong guys a chance. I think it’s fear of missing out on a wonderful man if I judge them too harshly, so I’ve dated men I know a lot of women I know would not.

I also think what was stressing me out was the thought of disrupting my current life which I’ve worked hard to achieve. For example, I remember when my ex came to my home, it sounds strange but it was like he left a visible black cloud where he’d been. I remember getting sage and frankincense to burn to clear his toxic energy and I felt better afters like the cloud had gone. I thought ‘what if this guy is like that and brings his energy into my home and disrupts it all?’ I’m very protective over my space, my life and my cat and would only risk allowing someone into my home if I felt safe and that I could trust them. Basically I didn’t want to lose everything I’ve built, which I built after the trauma of my ex. No way am I letting some man ruin it all again for me. (Not that I’d let anyone into my home on the first few dates but I imagined later on if I got in a relationship with him how I’d feel if he came round to my home).

Anyway thanks for listening and for your thoughts on it, I’m glad I shared it on here.

[SunshineRainflower]

Also I forgot to say, that’s great news about your voluntary role Iwantmeback, congratulations and well done for putting yourself out there! You’re right it sounds like a great confidence building thing. I think doing things like that is a lot better than dating because there is much less risk to it causing us harm, plus dating can make our self esteem worse if we meet a lot of bad men.

Shaz, I totally agree about not doing things that stress us out. I’ve had to arrange to get some household things sorted out this year and both of them were stressing me out a lot until I realised I wasn’t happy with the people I’d booked to do the tasks. I cancelled and rebooked elsewhere and felt greatly relieved. That anxiety is often a useful tool when used well. Also, I do have a vision about my ideal life and man, in fact I even have a vision board of it, although I never got round to putting a man on there. Maybe I could look for a picture of the type of nice, quiet, kind man I’d like in a magazine and put him on my vision board. It was always something I felt so conflicted and guilty about my ex, I knew he didn’t fit the description of my ideal man. I think I fear he doesn’t exist, so always just dated various men who asked me out and told myself it was silly to be holding out for this sort of man. Yet the vision of him has stayed the same in my head for years now so maybe holding out for him is exactly what I need to do.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi SRF, you’ve listened to your inner self, we’ve corroborated your thoughts and feelings. Ive been seeing a psychologist for a while now. What I get out of those sessions the most is confirmation that my judgement is good, that what I’m doing is best fir me. At the moment she’s my safety net, but it will be time soon to stop seeing her, when that comes I’ll have to believe in myself more. This forum acts like that psychologist (imo) everyone of us helps each other along, listens and is just there.
Thank you everyone who has listened and given advice and shared their stories.
IWMB

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