This topic contains 16 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  Freedomfighter 1 year, 3 months ago.

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  • #38962
     intheteapot 
    Participant

    I have chronic mental health problems, but I’ve never needed hospital treatment. Like many abusive partners, my ex liked to tell me during arguments that I need to be in a hospital and that I’m not well enough to decide to leave him. I miss him but at least good riddance to all that!

  • #38965
     danicali 
    Blocked

    i dont know why so many abusive men try to convince us we are unwell, mental, that we needs meds, etc … just dont get it. but it is as if they all read from the same handbook, isn’t it? starting to wonder if you can buy it on amazon… and you may (or may not) still love the man but people seldom change and so if you did go back to him he’d start up the whole headwork thing again fairly soon wouldn’t he – remember that if you ever feel weak from missing him x

  • #38971
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yip. Mine made me ill with his behaviour then turned it round on me. Calling me delusional. Telling me I had a mental illness and nobody would believe me. Pathetic little men.

  • #38982
     Suntree 
    Participant

    Good for you for leaving. Missing him will get easier as you find that you become more you and less what they try to tell you who you are, if that makes sense.

    Been there have the T-shirt.

    I still here a lot from men when a woman is passionate about something which they disagree with there is “something mentally wrong with them” or if that woman needs “putting in her place”. Tells me a lot about the person saying it and when they say it and how they say it and nothing about the woman they are saying it about.

    It seems to be a standard response with some to try and deflect the argument.

    I had a standard set of new responses to it when someone tried to use it on me, because I am away from my abuser and I am no-longer being put in mental hell and see that type of remark for what it is.

    I would love to tell you what the responses were but, I haven’t needed them for long enough now I don’t need to practice them to help me deal with those type of remarks.

  • #39006
     intheteapot 
    Participant

    Thanks all of you. I do have mental illness just nothing as severe as he makes out. He has made my mental health a lot worse, sadly.

  • #39013
     LyriaTwilight 
    Participant

    I have mental health problems. I have been sectioned more than once and in hospital for months at a time. My ex was horrible to me over it in private but in public acted like the perfect partner, concerned and put upon, doing the best he could, when in reality, he made my situation far worse than it had been before I met him. I am glad you got away from it x

  • #39051
     Serenity 
    Participant

    Hi There,

    Abusers will take any vulnerability you have and use it against you, whereas a good man would help you to manage or overcome your difficulties.

    It is typical of an abuser to use the victim’s mental health problems to gaslight them: that is, to make out that they are exaggerating the abuse, that they aren’t capable of judgement and that they are dependent upon the abuser.

    Mental health issues or not, everyone is able to sense abuse, simply by following their gut feelings and questioning whether someone makes them feel safe and encouraged. Abuse affects is on the deepest level, and mental illness doesn’t stop us from feeling it and being very aware of it as something very wrong. In fact, mental illness makes us even more aware of the dreadful impact of abuse.

    Abusers often choose someone who they think is weaker than themselves. But I think that those of us who have suffered difficulties are stronger x

  • #39055
     Anonymous

    I admit I have depression but never been to hospital . My ex sent me crazy with his abuse .And gave me PTSD .. when I got my police review he lied through his teeth and the police believed him .. now he’s walking free and made out iam the crazy one .I have no faith in the law now it stinks .I hope the karma bus hits him

  • #39682
     Jupiter 
    Participant

    My ex did same thing and totally thrives on mental health attacks–this is ev.erywhere in our culture at every level.

    Think men learn this from the cradle onwards and rears its ugly head when they need power over us.Often it is a good case of projection because they have a flawed mentality but they stay away from a diagnosis to prevent a finger pointing at them.It should though!
    Also men are very quick to attack both our mental health and innocent parts of our personality,taking things out of context to use as ammunition-even small incidents are disturbing because they are triggers around male tactics.
    Recently a virtual stranger invaded my space when brief contact with him had ended.He had talked to me in a cafe away from my home town and he gave me the creeps,wanting to pick me up immediately to go to Thailand etc ! He explained that he visited my town to get things done at local beauty salon-I will spare the horrible details.Ever since,he has tried to start a chat with me, which is inappropriate for no contact.Yesterday,I sat alone with a coffee, only to be
    invaded by Hello how are you? I mouthed a reluctant hi then cut him off.Annoyed,he leaned in, asking if Id’ lost my tongue!’ I pretended to check my texts to blank the guy, which then brought a sarcastic comment on-“you people always looking at your mobile” …I know it sounds trivial, but it annoyed me because here was another male trying to push the boundary again .Which part of no contact dont they understand? I suppose it is another learning curve.
    I think sometimes we have to be firmer or ruder in how we communicate with potential sex pests who dont take no for an answer and resort to sarcasm when not getting their own way.It feels like an epidemic!
    Jupiter

  • #39684
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    Hi there i too were told in both abusive relationships i were paranoid. Had scizophrenia bi polar you name it… x

  • #39686
     Jupiter 
    Participant

    Hi–my ex and family accused me of all mental health conditions too but they didnt prove it as untrue.
    Ex once told police I was unstable and had PMT, post natal depression etc etc. They are like parrots!
    Live with trauma now due to abuse and this is normal.
    Jupiter

  • #39690
     Anonymous

    Police said why did you not just leave .. it’s not easy you have to plan it .. boils me to the core ….. everyone is on my side but police. It’s not right.

  • #40521
     SunshineRainflower 
    Participant

    Mine did the exact same thing. When I met him I was open about my mental health problems as I talk about them to everyone trying to reduce the taboo and stigma. I never imagined that he’d use them against me! When I initially tried to end the relationship because I was so unhappy he said that it was because of my anxiety and OCD and that he’d decide when to end things!

    Danicali I agree It is almost like they all buy a handbook as they are all so similar! One of the things that woke me up from my denial about the relationship and made me realise that he was abusing me was that after he’d been verbally aggressive and threatening me he later said that I’d imagined it and it was my OCD. What he didn’t realise was that OCD doesn’t make people imagine things. I knew then what was going on and ended it.

  • #41387
     Anonymous

    I left it way too late leaving, I’d been suffering quite serious anxiety & depression the last few years there,by the time I left I was in an absolute dreadful mental health state, I was then the idiot who kept phone Contact, feeling sorry for him, continued to go through the mental onslaught of his anger, then calm, then anger, threats manic calls, I ended up in hospital [detail removed by moderator] weeks. That was great news for him, telling everyone I was mental after all! I can not even begin to describe how terrifying it was to be around male & female mental health patients who replicated him, calm to aggressive for no reason, it was like being back on the home environment again. I crashed so so badly, even I was convinced I was the mental one. I’m sure that everyone believes him now. My anxieties are severe. I only wish that we could all have been able to film or record them in action secretly so that the proof was there to show everyone. Living with a crazy person does make you feel crazy in the end. x

  • #41393
     Anonymous

    I so wish i left sooner. But i honestly loved him so much .then things did not add up with him .i looked past red flags etc . I kinda blamed myself also .. but you know what he’s history now bye bye in the trash ..I had depression when I met him very vunerable. Made me commit to the relationship etc ..he was like a sales man ..hes made my mental health worse also..but iam fighting it now .small steps forward that’s as much as i can do

  • #42156
     Anonymous

    Hi me too, I was of a nervous disposition, general anxiety disorder (I think) as had, had a nervous breakdown several decades before I met him, caused by my ex husband. Prior to all that abuse as a child. Whilst with my abuser outside major traumas, his abuse alongside! I am away, his fear tactics caused me extreme fear, I did end up on a mental health hospital few weeks, Yes I had that one too, delusional! Psychotic, my own fault as kept phone contact. Even apologised to him saying to everyone I’d lied it wasnt dv/abuse. To be honest he made me feel crazy & paranoid. He himself had schizophrenia in his family. I also will not be called some mental case. I know exactly what happened years, this is the aftermath of trauma caused by a man who knew exactly what he was doing. Not one single professional has actually listened to the whole story of what happened, I would like to see any one of them live with a control freak, have major trauma happen outside, and be yelled at for being scared. Abusers I sure make us all feel crazy, like we can’t mentally take anymore, we can’t. Ptsd or cptsd most would not understand, or any of the things we cope with once away. But mental illness NO Way I do not have that & am not in denial either. We just are not believed because they are professional actors xx

  • #50218
     Freedomfighter 
    Participant

    I can’t agree more, it’s like all of you are living/lived part of my life. Congratulations to all you who have escaped. Intheteapot and anyone else missing or still in love with their abuser- I totally understand that’s why I stayed for the first decade or so, but trust me he would have only got worse like mine. I missed and mourned the loss of the man I thought I was so in love with I went against everyone’s advice and married him anyway. I was such a young fool making excuses for him to everyone
    Two decades later he slipped up when drunk and admitted he had a different definition for the word lie
    My whole world crumbled as I realised he’d lied about everything including affairs, rape… that sounds bizarre! You’d think I would know. Well I did really but he’d got me really drunk force feeding me half a litre of vodka first then left me alone in a strange country petrified
    I was a teenager then. I came to to find him kissing me. I tried to scramble away and he just looked at me daft asked what wrong with you when I told him weeping he told me I’d imagined it, had a drunken nightmare. I didn’t know what to believe, I was still really drunk, head pounding, every thing I said he had an answer for. Plus it happened on the first day of a two week holiday. He was like Prince Charming the whole of the time. I bet he was rubbing his hands in glee realising he had found such a gullible young fool. He had me so convinced it hadn’t happened I buried it in my head. Then went and married him. How could I possibly explain that to anyone who hasn’t been though their lying, two faced manipulation. Even I can’t believe it happened and yet it did and I knew it had deep down it was so vivid and I was so terrified. But I let him convince me it was just a nightmare. My counsellor says it’s because I couldn’t cope with the truth being in that situation so far away from home. I did what I had to do. She says to be kind to myself and not feel bad about it. I don’t feel bad about the holiday just that I when I was having serious doubts about the wedding it stayed buried. I didn’t remember it again until he did the same thing on another holiday years later
    I was so traumatised trying to fight him off but with all the first time flooding my alcohol filled brain. How do I then explain burying both memories so that I could be a good mother to my unborn child? Because by then I was completely brain washed into thinking I couldn’t cope without him. Sorry on my soap box. Just trying to come to terms with everything and explain it to myself so I can explain to someone else. Didn’t think I could, but I just did. And people ask me how I could possibly believe him when he tells me I’m insane, mentally disturbed, he was never home when the boys were growing up because he was afraid he would come back to a b****y massacre after I had killed the boys then myself!!
    Logically shouldn’t he have been there All the time? Men!!! They’re aliens!!! They make no sense at all!

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