Worn and broken and almost caving

[searchingforhope]

I’ve read the posts here and felt so like my life that others were writing about. I’ve written here and tried to release the stress and thoughts and fears. I’ve tried to encourage others to keep finding strength.
But yet when it comes to myself I seem to have so little strength. So full of doubt, ready to cave nearly even though I cant see how it could work again right now.
He’s out of here a few months now, but wanting to return and try again or wanting to return and me leave and leave kids here.

I’m lucky I have great support network behind me. But I don’t feel they get it, they don’t understand why I’m so close to caving in. My biggest fear was hurting the kids and thankfully they seem to be coping ok. But even still I’m still almost willing to cave in to his pressure. He makes me feel I’m wrong, he makes me feel I’m the one that has had all the control, I’m filled with self-doubt and I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t see a way through this. This is just dragging on and I can’t find the strength to tell him it’s fully finished.

I feel very sad and lost and alone today. I can’t see an end in this.

[searchingforhope]

There are so many of you on here have been so supportive and helpful and offered me advice in the past and I’m so grateful for you all.
This is so hard though. I don’t feel strong anymore, I feel broken and lost and like I’ll never get past this.
During the week I survive on routine of work and kids activities but at the weekend, I live anxiously and on edge because I don’t know when he will arrive to see kids, or in fear of any arranged meetings or what I’ll have to listen to from him next. It’s so hard. My family and friends are trying to encourage me to finalise and say there’s no going back and stay separate, why can’t I do it!
I’m afraid of not seeing kids, afraid of what battles he will start. It just seems hopeless.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello searchingforhope

Yes, its easier to give support and advice to others in their situations than it is to find the strength to deal with our own that we are stuck in and find so exhausting as a result.

Dealing with abuse is so very draining, its always walking on eggshells, or wondering where/when the next attack will hit, or trying to calm the waters to protect the children and always thinking, always on alert, and then being manipulated and everything twisted around onto you, and this is from someone that you love, that you believed in, someone who’s supposed to love you and have your back, but as we know they don’t.

Take all the rest you can, however you can, sometimes in small ways is all there is. Look after yourself as best you can, nourish yourself however you can and at all opportunities. Its good that you have support around you, but does it really feel like support when they don’t understand? Maybe the best line to give is that its virtually impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it? Then at least they will have a better understanding without the massive input of energy required to try to explain such complexity. It can be a double-edged sword giving out information about your abusive dynamic with them, because it brings further complications potentially and lack of understanding about why a woman doesn’t leave, when it looks so easy on the outside, and so obvious, yet its not is it.

Maybe if they read up on DA, come here to the forum to read up on it? I don’t know if thats possible (to read without joining).

Hang on in there and keep doing whats best for you, is there anything specific that you need help with in practical terms? Can those supports you have provide you with any practical help? Maybe its to help with the children, or help you with housework? Or getting in touch with outside agencies, etc. Love and energy to you in your struggles x

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

Thanks TS. I really appreciate your reply. I am trying my best to mind my well-being, exercising, sleeping best I can. But it’s alot to juggle working full time. This separation is on my mind all the time so trying to concentrate on work, sort kids, sort housework and everything else in between is so difficult.
If I had a magic wand he would be out of my life. But there is no easy way out, yet why do I feel I should give him another chance. Why do I let him convince me I’m the problem. I’m so very tired today after a late conversation with him last night. He puts constant pressure on me for an answer. Tells me go away for a while and sort myself out and let him care for kids. I dread to think how that would go and it’s not something I would consider. It’s just all so hard.

Thanks so much for your reply and advice x*x

[Twisted Sister]

oh that sounds unbelievably difficult. You need to block out his voice, and that will give you the rest you need, as each time he gets an audience from you this is what will happen, and he knows he has to wear you down, so his call last night was a success. He will be happy with his work, and yes of course he will offer to take the kids whlst you go away, what would you think if he didn’t let them come back? Its a possibility, and it would be very obvious to you who he was then, and why you need to block all air time from him. Starve him of the oxygen he thrives on. It is the only way.

Maybe block him on your phone? It would seem that all this is due to his narrative getting inside your head last night and you have carried it with you today, as well as depriving you of some vital sleep. Cold turkey is the only way. Its hard, but it’ll save you! xx

keep talking and working through these difficult thoughts and feelings

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

Thanks TS, what you say makes such sense. but I need to build myself to do these things. Hoping a more restfull night will bring ease & clarity xx

[Twisted Sister]

yes of course, its not easy and takes energy; wishing you peaceful sleeps tonight x

[Anonymous]

Please don’t cave in searching, we really really need people like you on this forum who have left their situations, it’s possible your trauma bonded still and you do have all the control right now (which is a good thing) and abusers don’t like anyone but themselves having that he’s trying to get you back cos he’s losing control of you and the situation, they thrive on control and think manipulation and wearing someone down proves how amazing they are (when in fact it’s the opposite) please remember why you left him and things he did and said and how it made you feel and he will lie and manipulate and say anything to make you change your mind, for them it’s just a means to an end and things will be the same and probably worse if you let him back (maybe have less contact with him or get third party involvement) but you’ve done too well to go back to all that again 🤗🌹🤗

[nbumblebee]

My dear searchingfor hope you have been a shining light for me in my darkest of days and your strength and courage give me so much hope that one day i may get away. Dont go back.
Oh yes its so eaay to say especially for me sitting here with him still but dont.
I can imagine how lonley it is now i get it but is it worse than what he put you through? Remember those times when all you wished for was some peace? When all you wanted was to be free?
Read your old posts did you keep a diary? Lets be hinest we never forget what they did and said so everyrime you want him back remember a bad thing he did remind yourself why you left.
Yes its gonne be hard so hard i cant imagine how it feels but i can tell you i can remind you what its like to stay.
Im still hurting myself as he makes me feel so small so disgusting so unloveable. He makes me run around after him makes me jump to attention gets nasty when i dont. Pretends he is this amazing guy to others. He doesnt support encourage me in anything he accuses me of having affairs he tells me how ugly old crippled I am. I am always on edge always scared always looking over my shoulder this is no life.
You dont want it back sweetie you really dont.
Look deep down inside re light that fire in your belly its still there it is you just gotta re light it and give it a poke.
Sending you so so much love and hope dear lady. Stay strong xxxx

[searchingforhope]

Thank you for your replies and for your very kind words. I appreciate it so much. You’re right @nbumblebee that fire in my belly seems almost gone out, compared to before. At the weekend I felt so tired and worn down. Things have eased a little since, weekdays are easier as I’ve structure and he’s not around much. Where as weekends I live on edge of when he may arrive and the things he will say.
I’ve had a good two days now in better form thankfully and despite work being very busy my days are going well.
I don’t know where I’ll end up. I do know for now I don’t want him back.
I wonder at times does being on here increase me creating a story that’s not really there and am I reading into things that aren’t really there and applying others stories to me. I guess that’s all to do with dealing with the fact that, is it actually abuse or not!
I’m navigating this as best I can I feel for now.
Day by day, step by step.

Listening to a podcast at lunch which said: You have the right to change your mind

Things don’t have to stay the same!

Hope you are all well today x*x

Sending you love

[Author]

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