9th January 2019 at 5:36 pm #70399
So, he assaulted me and I finally decided to press charges. He’s out of my house and I’m free.
But a friend tells me he’s said he’s going to make counter allegations. When the last incident kicked off, he photographed dome bite marks up his arm which he says he’ll now report. I didn’t do them and the friend thinks he did them himself.
I’m worried about what the police will make of this and devastated that he’d do this. The anger I could deal with; it’s all the lies that killed it for me 🙁
9th January 2019 at 5:45 pm #70401
Landy, my ex made counter allegations. It’s just what they do. I was so shocked but the police will look at his statement and evidence and may want to speak to you. This is what happened to me. It’s just the police doing their job. My advice was to make no comment which is what I did and they took me home. They know it’s rubbish but have to be seen to be fair. It’s also what killed it for me. Made me realise the nasty selfish self serving predator he really was. The funny thing is if he’s just admitted it and declared his undying love for me I would probably have taken him back so he did me a huge favour, email yourself what your friend has told you so that if the police do question you they will see you’re one step ahead x also tell your mutual friends that you do not wish to hear anything about him. It’s triggering.
9th January 2019 at 5:47 pm #70402
Try not to worry. It’s nonsense and the police deal with this all the time. My ex had scratches from gardening and tried to say I’d done it. They’re unbelievable but it still hurts. This just shows how little he actually cares x
9th January 2019 at 6:03 pm #70404
It has really brought home to me what a nasty person he is. I keep reading about how abusers are contrite after an incident. He never has been. We just have to forget it happened. What gives him the right to try to destroy me like this?
9th January 2019 at 6:25 pm #70406
I will tell you a fable. There was once a lovely swan and a scorpion. The scorpion wanted to cross the river and he asked many birds to help him until finally the swan agreed. She said please don’t sting me and he promised he wouldn’t. Anyway, he jumped on the swans back and she took him across the river. As soon as they got onto dry land the scorpion stung the swan very badly. Injured and shocked she said to the scorpion, why did you do that to me when I was so kind to you? To which the scorpion replied, I’m a scorpion it’s just what I do. He’s an abuser, it’s just what they do.
I don’t even think of it as personal anymore. I could have been any woman and she would have got the same treatment. In the end his arrest was what helped me get free and stay free. Hang in there. You’re stronger than you think x
9th January 2019 at 6:40 pm #70410IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Landy, I’m pleased for you that he’s been arrested. His counter accusation is mince and we know that as do the police. I agree with saving the email. I think the lies they make up in retaliation are so outlandish, that to come from someone pertaining to love us just shows how little they actually did love us. Keep strong my friend you’re doing brilliantly.
9th January 2019 at 8:08 pm #70416EbonyRavenParticipant
I’m so pleased for you that he’s out. That’s brilliant news. The bite marks will show as not yours straight away, everyone’s mouth is different, it’s like a signature. Not that they’d likely take him that seriously anyway. They have to do their job though, so they could ask you to voluntarily attend the station and answer some questions. They have to if someone makes a report.
They will see the fact that so very suddenly after you had to call them about him, he makes a counter allegation. They will see it for what it is.
10th January 2019 at 9:05 am #70445
Thank you. My head tells me all you are telling me. But my heart hurts so much. And I don’t know why. As you say, he never loved me and any woman would have done 🙁 Police have confirmed they plan to charge him when he answers bail (detail removed by moderator). And my plan is to face him in open court; not by video link or behind a screen. I want to look him in the eye and tell the court what he did to me. But right now, it hurts so much I don’t know what to do with myself.
10th January 2019 at 9:59 am #70446freedomtochooseBlocked
I get this hurt. Have been feeling it myself over the last couple of days, as things have come back to me as a result of child contact which I couldn’t avoid recently.
KIP I found that story really helpful. It is such a stark metaphor and easy to remember.
Still, the hurt which I experienced and still at times experience, I can only describe as some sort of really deep awareness of inhumnanity. The people I have told and risked to tell often have just had their jaws drop when they react to the story, as if it is incredible that someone could be so cruel. At the same time I realise that is how abusers work. And as someone else has pointed out in a different thread – they make counter accusations to hide their own cruelty.
What hurt me more than anything was the deviousness of it and the absolutely obvious fact that in doing and saying what they did around the Family Court hearings (which as we know are supposed to be kept confidential) – ex was doing the worst possible thing for his own child and their future, which as a mother I had to struggle with and make right, somehow as far as it goes…
And worse than that I am absolutely certain that my ex knew the legal position exactly and knew that I would never have been able to do him for coercive control – because I wasn’t allowed to have the papers in the first place and wasn’t allowed to talk about what happened openly.
Agree that the police are ‘only doing their job’ . This is true but it is so hard the counter-accusations – of course my ex never once in all our marriage and afterwards said that I was doing a good job as a mum. So left me with a feeling that nothing I do will ever be good enough in that regard. I know for a fact I didn’t feel that way when my child was born and it is an end result of the abusema. And then I got scapegoated as
so-called family didn’t question what happened and to an extent I couldn’t and didn’t want to spell it out to them.
I know the police have this approach: ‘so it’s his word against yours’…e.t.c.
But it doesn’t even come close to understanding the subtleties of domestic abuse.
10th January 2019 at 10:02 am #70447freedomtochooseBlocked
btw no offence but I have reported your previous post as it contains a date that is better off I feel not part of this thread iykwim.
Not inappropriate content just not completely anonymous…
btw if there is anything I am missing about my own situation, please let me know ladies, the lens of fear is sometimes overwhelming and it leads me to be more frightened at times than maybe I need to be. …
10th January 2019 at 10:42 am #70450IwantmebackParticipant
I would ask the same too please as @ftc says, sometimes we dont see just how bad our situation is while being in the middle of it. Thanks all.
10th January 2019 at 1:28 pm #70461
Hi Landy, Court could be months or even years away so take it slowly. He may even plead guilty when he sees what he’s up against. And gets legal advice, although mine didn’t. Try to keep thinking with your head meantime. Your heart will catch up x
13th January 2019 at 8:45 pm #70630
FTC, if it’s my post you reported, no offence taken. Thank you x
I hope the court case isn’t too far away. I just want it all over! I have no idea how the system works. All my police/ court knowledge comes from the television! Is it likely there’ll just be a trial with sentencing on the same day or will they want psychiactric reports etc before sentencing?
I can’t see he’d confess in a million years, no matter what the evidence. He’d swear black was white if he had to do that to absolve himself of blame.
13th January 2019 at 8:51 pm #70631
FTC, my view is that my oh only thinks of himself and doesn’t care who he hurts in getting what he wants. Yours sounds the same. He also likes to put me down at every opportunity. It’s just their way of controlling us and making themselves feel better about who they are. It’s not about us.
14th January 2019 at 10:17 am #70655
Hi Landy, get in touch with Victim Support who were fantastic and will guide you through the whole court process…
15th January 2019 at 6:55 am #70725
I’ve done that already, KIP.
Signed off all the paperwork at the police station last night. They tell me the file will he sent to the CPS today:(
15th January 2019 at 7:36 am #70728
You’re doing the right thing. CPS should keep you updated. You have rights as a victim to be kept updated. It’s a rollercoaster ride now. Try to concentrate on yourself and seek out some good counselling x
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