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    • #125230
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      It appears my abusive Ex is seeing someone else.We separated not long ago.After I wasted (detail removed by Moderator) of my life trying to make it work…trying to conform and live with abuse.
      I don’t know why I’m feeling this heart wrenching pain because I know I don’t want him back and can’t be with him but it is still so very painful.
      I just can’t believe he can just move on to the next woman within a few months.
      And then rubs it in my face by meeting her while seeing our children.
      I hate weekends and holidays.🥲

    • #125241
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful Angel….
      I can completely understand why this has effected you, however it’s good that you say you don’t want to be back with him … take that as progress.
      Try to keep the focus on him… what he is doing is his business. Focusing on him takes that strength and power away from you again.
      It’s not surprising that he has moved on, if he was just left on his own he might have to deal with the realisation of what he has done to you and his children and that would be to painful and to heart wrenching for him to sit with.
      It’s like people who drink for example… if they were not to have the next drink they would have to experience the feelings they are numbing down with drink and that’s just much of a painful path for them to go down.
      Don’t take it personally, look at your journey and the strength it has given you… your on the right path now and by working through your feelings you will one day be able to form a healthy and balanced relationship.
      I’m glad you were able to get the money you needed, there is always a way… you just have to believe that.
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #125257
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s doing this to hurt you. It’s very common and he will rub your nose in it. Google triangulation in domestic abuse. Any normal person would keep a new relationship quiet but abusers will make sure we know what they’re upto. It’s how they hope to make us jealous and perhaps in the past you would have taken him back or rushed to show him your pain. Do neither. All he’s doing is confirming just how abusive he is. After separation their abuse can escalate. It also shows just how little these men can bond with someone. It’s all about their selfish needs and bringing the children into it is something he will always do. So recognise these feelings for what they are but also recognise he’s doing this deliberately to hurt you and simply carry on the abuse he’s always perpetrated. If he was truly happy and had truly moved on he wouldn’t be flaunting this new woman in your face. Do not give him any reaction. Just rise above it.

    • #125258
      KIP.
      Participant

      Don’t be surprised if he’s been seeing her while you were together. My ex was. These men are cheaters and parasites need to have a host lined up. Someone they can suck the life from. Just be grateful it’s not you any longer. This pain will pass and you get to the wonderful stage where you truly don’t care what he does. You feel nothing. He can’t hurt you anymore x

    • #125260
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      I haven’t experienced this yet but I remember a non-abusive ex getting a new girlfriend and it hurt even though I didn’t want him back. I think it was the thought of him moving on with his life and finding happiness while I was still single. With an abusive ex I think it is much more complicated. We either face the hurt that he seems to have have happily moved on while we’re still trying to heal from the trauma, or face the reality that he didn’t really love us and that’s why it is so easy for him to move on. An abuser’s version of love is possession and control. They never allowed us to be ourselves so I guess they could never have loved who we really are. I also think that while we were with him we were constantly hurt by being made to feel invisible and him finding somebody else quickly is another way to make you feel invisible.

      Being the survivor of abuse can feel like you are always on the losing end. But please know that whatever the outward appearance of his new relationship, he is not a happy person in the exciting stages of a new relationship. He is still driven by his insecurities, needing control and abuse to make him feel strong. He is manipulating that poor woman in the same way he did to you. I don’t believe abusers can have meaningful relationships, because that requires empathy.

      It’s completely normal to feel the way you do. Just try not to get caught up in thinking about the whys and hows of what he’s doing, other than to remember that abusers live by different rules and motivations. You left the relationship with the empathy and humanity that he will never have. The downside is that it comes with a lot of hurt, but the upside is that you can experience joy and connection that he can never even dream of. Sending love xxxx

    • #125264
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Neuranfang,

      I can understand understand how you feel, especially about that feeling of having wasted so many years.

      Try to focus on the now rather than the past. Every time you sit down and relax when you wouldn’t have been able to in the past, every time you leave the dishes just because you don’t feel like tackling them right there and then, when you go to sleep safely at night and wake up knowing the day is yours, all the things that we ladies know are so precious whilst they pass others by. Focus on those things. Try not to waste another moment on him. He will only ever bring you upset.

      Abusers will never be happy, they’re too superficial to experience love or happiness. You can be though. Don’t waste any more years on him. xx

    • #125266
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      Thanks for your replies ladies.
      So very helpful to read about your experiences and hear your thoughts.
      Today has been even worse than yesterday as I hardly slept and then couldn’t hold back the tears when at work.I just bursted out in tears so many times today and cried all through my lunch break.I suppose being tired didn’t help.Every single time I tried to talk about it, I started crying again.
      So painful but I don’t even know why.All along I wished for him to move on to the next ‘supply’but I just didn’t expect it to happen that quickly.
      And you are right with everything you are saying.He wanted to hurt me again and he did.
      He’s toxic and I have to focus on myself but that’s easier done than said x*x

    • #125268
      KIP.
      Participant

      It helped me to simply put this in the same list as all the other abuse. When you think about it I’m sure he’s done worse than this. I was raped and cheated on and various other things. When I looked at them as individual incidents they were painful and personal but when I grouped them all together it made it easier to accept. It’s simply another form of abuse from an abuser. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. So you’ve learned that even now he’s still very toxic so it’s time to put distance between you both. If you haven’t already then use a third party or a contact app. Cut him out your life as much as is possible. Give him zero opportunity to hurt you again. That was his last shot x

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